Wednesday, December 16, 2009

All I Want for Christmas...

I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit lately. I'm not depressed or incredibly broke like past years. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's this warm weather (I've had my AC on twice this week).Usually by the second week in December, my Christmas list has been printed out, laminated and posted on the refrigerators of all of my friends and family members along with a dry erase marker for them to make notes. This year, whenever someone asks me what I want for Christmas, I just shrug and say "well, you don't really have to get me anything this year. We're in a recession."
This response has left my family and friends flabbergasted. FRANKIE NOT WANTING GIFTS?! What kinda fuckery is THAT?! Everyone knows I love Christmas and I adore and receiving (but mostly giving because I give some pretty kick ass gifts, thank you very much). I sure as hell haven't outgrown my desire to receive gifts. I just don't know what I want....okay, I'm lying. I DO know what I want, but I'm afraid to tell anyone that I want a vibrator for Christmas.

I'm no stranger to discussing TMI topics, but I'm disturbed by the idea of asking someone to purchase a sex toy for me for Christmas! At some point, you just have to draw the line! What would our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ think of this???

BUTTTT this isn't just ANY vibrator!! It's an OhMiBOD vibrator that, according to Eden's Fantasys, gives you the ability to listen and get off to your favorite music, while it's pulsing inside of you.

YES! IT VIBRATES TO THE RHYTHM OF YOUR MUSIC!!! How awesome is that?! I love music! I love vibrators (proud owner of four), and I love masturbation! This is the PERFECT gift for me!

THIS is the one that I want. It's the sister version (or IMPROVED version if you ask me) to the regular OhMiBod vibrator. Honestly, I could use either one, but they're the same price so why not go all out and get the Gspot edition?!

Anyway, I've not built up the guts to request this gift from my mom, so I'll continue to go through this holiday season telling folks not to worry about a gift for me (while secretly hoping they stumble upon this blog entry) and just accept, yet another, pair of bargain bin/irregular pajamas purchased at Conway.

Please go over to read a HILARIOUS review of one of the OhMiBod products.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lifecall Moments: JHo Update

Although I hate this mascara stealing bitch (ask me about that later), I must admit that The Black Widow's attempt to undo the embarrassment of falling was quite hilarious. KUDOS JHO!

(watch the whole clip)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 4

I hate dislike children...A LOT. I don't have kids. I don't want kids. I'm sure your children are wonderful, and I'll smile at them and click "like" on Facebook photos of them while commenting that they are "simply adorable", but let them be "simply adorable" in YOUR house, not mine. k? thanks.

Anyway, although I don't want any parasi--um I mean "children", I MUST post this video that I cannot stop watching. I've been watching it for the past 2 days. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. This kid *ALMOST* makes me wanna go out and get one. Like, if they were selling him at the local Today's Pet Shop, I would totally consider inquiring about the cost.

This video has over 400,000 views and I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for 84% of that. I cannot stop watching it! I scream every time I see this little bundle of joy.

Give Me a Fucking Break!

Standing on the bus stop with my white chocolate caramel latte (OH YEAHHHHHHHH ala Kool-Aid man) and there was a tap on my right I turned to my right...nobody there. Tap on my left shoulder so I turned to my left and got PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY ASS BREATH! OOOOOOOOH THAT BREATH IS VICIOUS!! Today's conversation:

Him: Hey Miss Pretty.
Me: (same dry tone as always) Hi *texting on my phone, not making eye contact*
Him: Another long day at work....
Me: *raises brows without looking up* yep.
Him: Last night was crazy...
Me: mmm.
Him: well, you take care. hea'?
Me: k.
Him: Have a good day...even though you treat me bad.
Me: *nod*
Him: ...even though you won't let me take you out.
Me: heh <---dry laugh
Him: ok pretty, have a good day.
Me: k.

Did I mention that he was poking me in the arm like that annoying high school classmate who constantly pokes you on facebook? This being nice shit is gonna wear thin.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Remember my stalker?? If you don't, please refresh your memory by reading about him.

I was already in a pissy mood this morning because I woke up at 2am and STILL managed to leave out late for work...even though I didn't have to leave til 7:30am. I walked to the bus stop and it was shut down because of the ENDLESS construction downtown.

SIDE BAR: What the fuck are they "constructing"? Every time I turn around, there's a detour because the roads are blocked off. There are more traffic cones and drums than rats downtown (and that's A LOT). Meanwhile, NOTHING is being fixed and this city still looks like shit. What are you attempting to fix it up for? Nobody comes to Baltimore!

I had to walk three blocks to the next bus stop. I got on the bus and was standing (which is always annoying because it's kinda hard to text, adjust your music and balance yourself while the bus is going uphill and making sharp turns). After a few blocks, two seats freed up. I had to choose between the guy with his head down (obviously sleeping which meant he'd probably end up with his head on my shoulder or left tit) or the guy whose ass took up half of the spare seat next to him. I opted for the sleeping guy. Before I could even inhale, I got a whiff of his breath and he opened his eyes and said "WELL HELLO STRANGER!"

Note to self: make an appointment to have your fucked up ass vision checked so you'll notice stalkers a mile away!

If I had ANY idea it was him, I would've gotten off of the bus before he even noticed me. Our conversation went like this:
(he was loud and excited, I was expressionless and dry)

Him: You're always ignoring me when I'm trying to get your attention.
Me: I always wear earphones so I don't notice.
Him: I saw you on campus the other d--
Me: I was wearing earphones.
Him: oh.


Him: I had to work at your campus the other day filling in as a teacher for a friend.
Me: *silence*

Him: *tapping me* I had to work at your campus the other --
Me: huh? what? *adjusts volume on earphones* what?
Him: oh, I was just saying I had to work at your campus the other day filling in as a teacher for a friend.
Me: oh *turns volume up louder*
Me: *turns music OFF* what?
Him: you said, working on the campus is something else.
Me: *trying to remember when the fuck I said that* uh huh
Him: so how have you been?
Me: good.
Him: how's work?
Me: can't complain.
Him: all the talk on campus is about the new president.
Me: I guess...
Him: so whatchu think of him?
Me: I haven't heard much.

***SILENCE*** I attempted to put my music back on.....BUT NOOOOOOO!

Him: You got a long day ahead of you.
Me: um not really.
Him: I'm working a 20 hour shift.
Me: wow.
Him: yep...we got some crazy people in there yesterday.
Me: mmk.
Him: one lady was so drunk...blah blah blah... *insert corny joke about lighting a match near her breath*
Me: oh.
Him: blah blah blah... she had a blood alcohol level of blah blah blah...
Me: hmm... wow.
Him: and she kept asking us if she could leave on her broomstick. she was attacking the guards with the broomstick. blah blah blah full moon.
Me: crazy.
Him: blah blah blah drug test....blah blah cocaine.
Me: really.
Him: blah blah blah other guy said... blah blah last Thursday blah blah blah shoes in the closet...blah
Me: jeez.

The entire time I was avoiding eye contact while staring into space praying that when I looked out the window, I would be really close to my stop to get off. He just kept talking and spewing that disgusting skid mark breath of his. I was trying to hold my breath so I wouldn't inhale the pollution of his breath. I looked up and the bus had only moved like 3 blocks. I contemplated getting off early and taking a cab, walking or waiting for the next bus. The problem was that he knew which stop I was supposed to get off at.

He felt the need to remind me of his position at his job and mention something about being a supervisor. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! That shit will NEVER impress me. Why don't you use your big pay check to buy a giant turbo toothbrush and a gallon of bleach-infused Listerine and let them swing dance in your shitty mouth!

This lasted the entire bus ride...even through the 20 minutes we sat in traffic thanks to a car accident. Truth be told, I would have rather been in the accident...and you people know I have a car phobia.

FINALLY as I was leaving the bus, he tried to rub my arm and tell me that I'm always dismissing him. YEA FOOL, GET A FUCKING CLUE!

Monday, December 7, 2009

And the Mother of the Year Award Goes to....

A couple of notes to keep in mind:

- To save money, instead of buying expensive ($10-$14) cocktails, I usually put rum inside of a water bottle and make my own drinks when I go out.

- I keep bottled water in my fridge for my cats.

The other day while I was packing my stuff in a rush to go to NYC, I poured some rum into a water bottle to take with me. I planned on going to SOBs where the drinks are overpriced (based on my Maryland pay check). In my rush, I left the rum (inside of the water bottle) on the counter. I didn't think anything of it because I never made it to the club, and I was surrounded by alcohol during my stay in NYC anyway. I got back home (3 days later) and tidied up my apartment...which included putting the "water" in the fridge.

Fast forward a couple of days, I was on my hands and knees cleaning up cat vomit from my carpet. I just figured one of them got sick from eating paper. Nena (the girl cat) eats paper when I don't feed her when she wants to be fed. Fuckin savage!
Anyway, the cats were laid up. Normally they follow me around the house. When I shower, they watch. When I sleep, they sniff me. When I sit down to tinkle, they sit on my lap. They were in serious chill mode though.

I didn't think anything of their behavior until I went to make myself a Cuba Libre. I grabbed the bottle of rum and it was empty. EMPTY!? Then everything started coming back to me in those flashbacks they show on soap operas or in a suspense movie when the mystery is about to be solved.

I gave my poor babies RUM instead of water!! At first I felt sorry for them until I realized they licked the bowl dry. The vomit and lounging around...SIGNS OF A HANGOVER! No need to call PETA. My mom has them on speed dial.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Lifecall Moments: Lady Gaga

Brought to you by Lady Gaga...

TWO IN ONE!! She wasn't even smooth with it! Beyonce and JHo could teach her a thing or two. Still love her!

Monday, November 30, 2009


All I wanna do is eat Thanksgiving food over and over and over again. Turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey and gravy, turkey omelets, turkey, my step dad used to strip the turkey down to the bone when we were kids. Right now I'm in turkey sandwich mode.

My Thanksgiving was amazing, in spite of a few mishaps here and there. I think the Thanksgiving curse was transmitted to someone else.

I'm not feeling very bloggy at the moment. It may have something to do with the turkey induced tryptophan nut I just busted.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

"This year we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I stuffed the turkey with Prozac." -Maxine

[Note: Please spare me the Charlie Brown "meaning of Thanksgiving" bullshit. I know the history behind the holiday. I know what it means. I'm not aiming for political correctness or whatever.]

Today's b Question of the Day:

What is one Thanksgiving staple that you could not live without?

Once upon a time, I was a very traditional, family oriented girl.................

....and then things changed. Some people NEED a turkey, football, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the fight over the wishbone, sweet potato pie, or Uncle Jerome's rendition of Luther Vandross's Never Too Much (after having a little TOO MUCH of whatever he had in his flask) to make their Thanksgiving complete. I used to need those things, but once they were all taken away from me, I learned to accept their absence...if *this* is what you'd call acceptance.

Initially, I wanted to blog about my awesomely dysfunctional and cherished Thanksgiving experiences during my childhood, but rehashing those memories will only make me nostalgic and sad.

Then I was gonna blog about the Thanksgiving curse. Every year during Thanksgiving, something horrible happens that leaves me a little more damaged (ask me why I don't allow peach cobbler in my presence), bitter, and anti-Thanksgiving. I know I'm feeding the beast by calling it a Thanksgiving curse, and that going into the holidays with a such a negative attitude will only bring about negativity, but it's my way of preparing myself for the inevitable. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not depressed or trying to slit my wrists with a plastic knife. I've been blessed with a wicked sense of humor that allows me to joke about the horror that is Thanksgiving. As much as I'd like to type out the long list of events that took place to create the Thanksgiving curse, I'll save those stories for the therapist my children will have to see after wondering why all the kids in their class get to eat turkey while mommy drags them out of the country during Thanksgiving to eat pizza in a hotel room while she's at the bar searching for her childhood at the bottom of a colossal martini glass.

Don't judge me! I'll make sure my kids have SOMETHING Thanksgiving related...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Lifecall Moments: JHo

(Thanks Sir Bloggington)

This gives me GREAT pleasure =)

Today someone posted on Twitter that the Black Widow was performing on the AMA's. I turned to it to see her performing in what only could be described as the shorts version of MOM PANTS (shout to Adam).

I'll bypass my criticism of her being (and looking like) a 40 year old mother of two singing a song about shoes (really, shoes though??) while sounding like me on karaoke night after three shots of Patron and four jubilee martinis. Let's watch her Lifecall moment!!

Facebook & Family

Continuing with using b's Question of the Day as a writing prompt....

Complete the sentence - Having family on Facebook is....

...absolutely AMAZING! I don't live near my family members, so I don't see them often. I'm not much of a phone person, so I don't talk to my family often. I ran into my older cousin at the mall the other day and thanks to Facebook, our conversation was very simple:

Her: hey girl! who you up here with?
Me: [silently thinking: I'm 25 years old. I don't need chaperon] no one, I'm alone.
Her: oh ok...see ya later.
Me: ok bye.

Now if she wasn't my friend on Facebook and we didn't communicate through comments, status messages and photos, our conversation probably would've been something like:

Her: hey girl! who you up here with?
Me: no one, I'm alone. How are you? How's the baby?
Her: I'm good...just dealin' with my crazy ass baby daddy. The baby is gettin so big. lemme show you some pics...


Me: cute. She IS getting big. I haven't seen her since that day at the hospital. I've just been SO busy with work and school.
Her: I know girl, me too. You still working at XXXXX XXXXXX?
Me: yep, I'm still there.
Her: I hear that. How's your mother n' dem?
Me: They're good. Zay [my sister] is gettin so grown! She's boy crazy.
Her: Yea Jessica [her sister] too.


This is why I LOVE having my family on my Facebook friendslist. I don't really have much to hide so I usually approve anyone who sends me a request. I think Facebook puts everything into a nice little package that allows me to communicate in bulk. No need to send out Christmas cards, no feeling guilty about forgetting a birthday, and I'm always updated on what's going on in their lives. Also, I don't mind my family and friends mingling with one another. I made a choice to communicate with the people I communicate with and I am not ashamed of them, nor do I feel a need to hide them, but that's just me.

I don't think I'd ever have a moment like this...

On the OTHER hand, I'd NEVER have my boyfriend/lover/husband/ex (or any co-workers) as friends on Facebook, but that's a blog post for another day.

Do YOU like having your family members as Facebook friends????

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Five Things: I want that I'll never have...

I was conversing with one of my followers on Twitter about how he wishes he had a urinal in his apartment when I started thinking of all the things I wish I had that I could NEVER have:

1. A Pissistant.

This is a person I'd hire to use the bathroom for me. I HATE using the bathroom. I've always hated it...which explains why I wasn't fully potty trained until I was about 7 years old (don't judge me). My mom used to make me sit in the bathroom on the toilet until I learned not to piss on myself. Don't misunderstand me, I am NOT into golden showers or anything of that nature. I just used to hold it until I couldn't hold it anymore. Even now, I hold it until the very last minute, but I'm better at figuring out when that last minute is versus pissing on myself. I hate the process of taking my clothes off only to put them back on. That's like making up the bed to get back in it. I hate being in such a small space. I HATE BATHROOMS!

2. A Micro Pet.

There are micro dogs out there, but even those are too freakin big for me. I wish my cats could stay kittens forever. The latest craze is micro pigs. I'd LOVE a micro pig if they only stayed tiny and cute, but those things get up to 65 pounds! How the fuck is that MICRO? That's like calling a 10 year old child a micro adult. Besides, I think my pet pig would have issues with my daily consumption of bacon.

3. Zach Slater.

"Who doesn't love Zach Slater? He's hot, dangerous, romantic, protective. Basically, he's like your dream guy but with enough of an edge that he's not too goody-goody. And he does stubble and clean shaven well, which is not easy." - Jesse Murray

Zach Slater is a character on All My Children. He's damaged, iced cold, and puts up a wall to protect himself, but he also protects his family. He's gorgeous. He's brave. He's rich. I don't have faith in marriage, and I don't want kids, but if Zach Slater jumped out of my TV screen and said he'd marry me, I'd be out getting fitted for dresses before he could even get off his knees. My crush on him is so serious that I HATE his TV wife. Remember the scene from Low Down Dirty Shame where Peaches punched the guy from the soap opera? Yea, that would be me punching Zach Slater's cheating whore TV wife if I ever saw her in person.

I've included a video of Zach and I laughed, cried and swooned watching/searching for clips of him for 3 hours *sigh*

4. The Return of Six Degrees.

Six Degrees was a show on ABC about six people in NYC who were all somehow connected without knowing it. It's kinda hard to explain how trippy this show was, but I absolutely loved it. It came out in September of 2006, a couple of weeks after I moved back to Baltimore from NYC. I was all depressed because I wanted to be back in NYC. All I would do is lay in bed and cry for hours and hours every day...except on Wednesdays at 8pm when this show came on. Aside from looking at the ever-so-dreamy Jay Hernandez, I loved seeing the New York City scenery, people, yellow cabs, coffee shops, traffic, tourists, street vendors, high fashion, etc.
For an hour out of my miserable week, I felt comforted by this show. I was home again during a time when I couldn't afford to travel back and forth to NYC. ABC canceled Six Degrees during the writer's strike. It was pretty devastating.

5. Fania All-Stars in Africa Concert Ticket.

I'm a huge Fania All-Stars fan. I grew up listening to their music and to this day, seeing videos of their performances gives me goosebumps on top of goosebumps. My parents didn't even know each other in 1973, so I definitely wasn't alive when this concert took place. I chose the concert in Africa because the unlying rhythm in salsa originates in Africa, so that concert was kinda like bringing salsa home. To see other people of African descent, who don't speak Spanish, singing along to the lyrics with Lavoe, Celia Cruz, Cheo Feliciano, etc. is just amazing to me. I have the DVD and the energy is so powerful. I can only imagine what it would've been like to be there. Most of the musicians have, since, died, so I can only attend their concerts via youtube.

6. ***BONUS*** Itis-Blocker.

This list was supposed to only have five things on it, but I had to add number six after talking to Sir Bloggington about a cure for the itis. I said that I wish there was a way to stop the itis that hit me after eating a chicken bacon ranch sub with snicker doodle cookies for lunch. He said it could be crystallized (like salt) and put on food before eating it. PURE GENIUS! If anyone invents this, I want my 10% and a lifetime supply of it! Maybe I'll just move to a country where I can have a siesta after lunch.

What non-existent things do YOU wish for?

Dear Gary Wright, FUCK YO COUCH!

(mostly because the Dream Weaver song is stuck in my head)

I'm having a pretty awful couple of months. It's to be expected, but yesterday was just one of those unbearable days that sent me on a detour from my office to the liquor store (when I should've been in class). By 9pm, I had finished a bottle of wine and was singing 70s/80s television theme songs via voicemail for my friends. By 11pm, I was passed out in bed. I had the strangest dream....

[insert dream sequence arm flail]

I was in a room arguing with my best friend (who happens to be a black man), and before I could even begin to defend my actions, he verbally made me feel [this small] and I was defeated. I wanted to say something. I knew what to say, but I began to choke on my words...LITERALLY throat-grasping-choking. Whenever I tried to speak, I couldn't breathe. Whenever I stopped trying to speak, I was fine. I gave up. I couldn't fight a battle against how he felt because those were HIS feelings. Who was I to say "I didn't make you feel this way" if his feelings were genuine and they belonged to HIM? Now all of this made sense to me and if I woke up at this point in the dream, I would've understood it...but I didn't wake up. Next, my best friend (black man) was a white woman. She kinda-sorta looked like Jennie Garth back in her 90210 days, but she had down turned, brown eyes and wore red lipstick.

She was naked, vulnerably sad, and in love with me. I was sad, in love with her and wanted to please her and make things right between us. So, I did. It was passionate, aggressive (but soft) love making, and we were very vocal about our feelings toward one another.

...and then I woke up.

I'm straight. Sure, women are beautiful, but that's not for me. I haven't been emotionally attached since March...and that was an attachment to my cat that I had to give up. My best friend is a gay, black man that I think of as a brother. We're not having any issues. We talk every day. I don't even know anyone who fits Jennie Garth's description. Before I googled pictures of her for this post, I hadn't seen her since April of 2008 when I read on a blog that she'd be joining the cast of the new 90210. I don't know what this dream means and it makes me angry that *THIS* is defining my day.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Twitter Tuesday: I Curse Excessively

It's Twitter Tuesday on FishAndSpaghetti!! Check me out!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Memory: First Date

(I really don't, but I thought this was funny)

This morning on my commute to work, I was doing my daily task of balancing my latte and iPod in one hand and phone and newspaper in the other hand while holding on for dear life as the bus sped down Charles street (fun times) when I came across b's Question of the Day: What do you remember most about your first date?

I smiled reading the responses as I thought about my first (and ONLY) date.

..........then I got sad, but that's not the point of this entry LOL

Here is my memory....

It was 2006 (to spare you the task of doing the math to figure out how old I was when I had my first date, I'll tell you -- I was 22 years old..pathetic, I know), and I was living in NYC. I had very light brown (ok blond) hair since I was about 13. I remembered that he hated it so I dyed my hair black. In the process, I burned my hair out to the point where it looked like a Brillo-pad.

There was no Queen Helene's hot oil treatment that could bring my hair back to life.

I spent about 9 hours trying to make my hair fluffy and lively again, but nothing was helping. I cried and considered canceling my date with him. I called my best friend in tears. She told me that she specialized in tri-racial hair and guaranteed she'd be able to fix it. I gave her the bitch-please-you-don't-know-anything-about-black-hair side-eye. At 3AM, she drove across town with her magic bag of tricks. NOTHING was working! I told her that I needed a straightening comb. There was NOTHING open at this time of night so she laid me down on the ironing board (Tracy Turnblad style) and LITERALLY flat ironed my hair.

It was a SUCCESS!!!

My date had never been to New York before so this was a treat. He was staying at the Waldorf Astoria which happened to be a 2 minute walk from my job. I had never been inside and he didn't know his way around either so we ended up on two different sides of the hotel looking for one another. The anticipation did NOT help my nervousness. I was on side A of the hotel while he was on side B...and then I'd go to side B, call him, and he'd be on side A. It was time consuming and frustrating. Finally, I stayed put and waited for him. He walked through the glass doors, looked me dead in the face and walked passed me. I wanted to DIE!
He called me and told me to walk upstairs just as I entered neck-twisting-Keisha mode. I was seriously pissed off and about to leave the hotel.

I walked upstairs and he was sitting down, What an asshole! He got up, walked up to me and gave me a hug. All I could think was DON'T HUG ME OR YOU'LL FEEL MY BACKFAT ROLLS! Then he made an attempt to give me this rehearsed kiss. He knew I was expecting a kiss like this...

...but he prefaced the kiss by saying "OKAY" which totally killed the mood. If you're gonna kiss a woman, KISS HER! Don't say " this the kinda kiss you want?"
We sat down and he just stared at me. I like eye contact, but his eyes were like a magnifying glass under the sun and I was the ant. He knew how much I hated being stared at and how nervous I was so he stared...and he stared...AND HE STARED!! Actually, he was staring between my face and my boobs because they were ALL out there. All I could do was giggle, and look around at ANYTHING that wasn't his eyes. We talked for a bit about nothingness and he requested a kiss. I kissed him and bit him. To my surprise, he liked it.

I actually typed out the majority of our date, but then I realized the question only asked for one memory. Here it is....

At some point during the date, we ended up at Juan Valdez Cafe. My nerves had taken over and I was tapping my right leg. It's something I do when I'm nervous (or upset). I didn't realize that I was doing it. He was telling me something and he stopped in mid-sentence to put his hand on my leg so I'd stop. The look on his face was so gentle and innocent. I can close my eyes and still see his face. Through all the drama we've experienced with one another over the years, that's the most sincere and precious memory I have of him.

ANDDDDDDDDDD I'm done being soft! I was just in a mushy mood and thought I'd share. I haven't stopped to reminisce about this date in over two years, so it was nice interesting to relive it.

Anyone care to share their first date memories?
This weekend I watched The Proposal. I love Comedy-Romance movies...not to be confused with Romance-Comedies, where there's more romance than comedy. I mainly rented this movie for Betty White. I adore her! OK...and maybe a little bit for Ryan Reynolds...even though the color of his lips annoys the fucking hell out of me. They always look so pasty and they match his skin. Aren't your lips supposed to be a different color than your skin? Anyway, I rented this movie and it was HILARIOUS! I thought I'd share my favorite scene from the movie....

FAIL: Out-Nerding A Nerd


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dear Chan, FUCK YO COUCH!!

Today I was venting to Sir Bloggington about my no-good-very-bad week when I thought "hmmm maybe I should be blogging this stuff". In preparing this entry, I came across one of my old blogs from years ago. I'll include that classic Frankie Nichelle entry to better help you understand why I'm so pissed off right now.

One of my annoyances today was that my co-workers decided to order Chinese food for lunch. I'm always down for Chinese food. We normally order from a place called China Wok.
It's the ONLY place we order from. Whenever these other Chinese restaurants have their delivery men bring fliers to our building, we make sure the menus are shredded before anyone even considers ordering from there.
Today I gave my money to my co-worker to place the order. About 20 minutes later, I was told that there was a gas line issue at our regular Chinese restaurant so they ordered from somewhere else. The history behind ordering ONLY from our regular spot goes back to the afternoon of September 10, 2007. Here is that blog entry....

Flies: The New Diet.

ok so this morning a dude came delivering menus for the new Chinese restaurant called Chan's. This gave me a craving for Chinese food, and we all decided to order from Chan's. WELL, I ordered general tso's chicken with fried rice. We were all sitting there eating our food when I looked down and saw a COOKED FLY IN MY FOOD!
My co-worker told me it was just a piece of burnt rice and I almost continued eating until another co-worker was in disbelief and wanted to inspect the "burnt rice".
When she moved it around, we saw the wings and legs...*GAG*

It was sooooo GROSS!!! I called them back and asked for my money.
Here's the conversation:
restaurant lady: herro, chan restrut?
me: umm hi, I just had food delivered to me and there was a fly in it. I need a refund.
lady: ordah?
me: yes, I ordered food and there was a fly in it.
lady: fry?
me: yea a FLY...A BUG IN MY FOOD!
lady: what u ordah?
me: I ordered general t-s-o's chicken or however u say it. L-9 on the lunch special.
lady: ahh genro so chk-in. thas what u ordah
me: yes and there was a fly in it.
lady: a fry?
me: yes a fly...A BUG!!
lady: but thas u ordah.
me: yea I ordered the food, but I didn't order the fly in it.
lady: but thas how sauce come
me: I want a refund. there was a dead bug in my food so send the delivery guy back with my money.
lady: ok was u address?
me: 1700 XXXX XXXX Lane.
lady: ok I send him back latah
me: Okay, bye.

So yea he came back and wanted to see the fly. I was too pissed off to deal with him so my co-worker explained the situation. He had the nerve to say the fly was in my food because it was his first time delivering to us. UMMMM OKAY, is that the special introductory meal or something!?
He owed me $5.20. The idiot pulled out a $5 bill and then asked ME if i had 20 cents. DUMB ASS! Needless to say, we won't be ordering from Chan's anymore.

Does anyone want to guess where my co-worker ordered lunch for us from today?? yep CHAN'S!!! I asked her to call and cancel my order and she gave me this puzzled look like it was impossible to now there is chicken and broccoli sitting in the trash can next to my desk.

A Day in the Life of Frankie Nichelle

The other day I was checking my bank account and realized that my rent had not been taken out of my account, but there was a big fat $35 charge there. I called the bank and apparently my check had bounced. More than enough money was in my account, so I had no idea why it bounced. My bank had no idea why the check bounced either so they refunded the $35 fee. Refunding an invalid charge is all fine and dandy, but how am I supposed to explain this to my rental office?????????????? Long story short, I was told that I needed to pay my rent, an $18 court filing fee and 5% of my rent for being late......even though it wasn't my fault and I've never been late with my rent before. On top of that, they wouldn't accept a check so I needed to go into my bank, withdraw money, get a money order and then go BACK to the rental office. Did I mention that my rental office and banks are ONLY open during the hours I'm at work???????????

I got the bright idea to handle this (and my hair appointment) yesterday. I took half a day off from work and traveled to the bank in the fucking ice rain. As soon as I stepped into the building, the security guard reminded me that banks were closed because of Veteran's day. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!?!

On the way to my hair appointment, I stopped at FOUR different hair stores to find my preferred weave. EV-E-RY store I went to was sold out or didn't carry it. These FOUR stores were in addition to the two stores I checked on Tuesday!

I called my sis/hair stylist (who is EXTREMELY hard to book since she works 22 hours a day, 7 days a week) to ask her about another type of weave and she started venting to me about her problems that I didn't really care about and asked if I could come on another day. Meanwhile, I'm wearing my natural (EXTREMELY HARD TO MANAGE) hair. I'm not ashamed to admit I wear weave..especially since my hair is longer than anyone whose ever criticized my weave. I just REALLY hate my natural hair. It's long, thick, 3 shades of brown, black, blond and green...yes GREEN (don't ask)! This chick has me walking around looking like a troll doll!!! Fortunately, I can just brush it into a bun so nobody sees the odd colors, but this shit is NOT cute!

I went home after my unsuccessful weave search and got on AIM. The minute I signed in, I got this message:

Batman: something came up. so can we meet at an earlier time on Saturday?
Me: it's not a big deal. we can go out some other day =)

Now, I was virtually smiling and being polite, but in my mind, I was doing this....


As much as I'd like to throw him under the bus in this blog, he's a perfect gentleman and even offered to keep our date when I went into semi-tantrum mode. That only made it worse because you can't talk shit about/be mad at a person who when they're being nice.

I was feeling salty so I took a nap.

In the middle of my nap, I woke up thinking I was late for work. There's a skylight above my bed. When I go to sleep, it's dark. When I wake up for work, it's dark. If it's ever light and I'm in bed on a weekday, that means I'm late for work. I immediately jumped up thinking I was late for work and fell out of bed trying to scramble to get ready. I grabbed my towel and ran to the bathroom...stripped naked...turned on the shower water and then realized I was only napping. I looked at my phone. The time read 4:12pm. I felt like a fucking idiot. I was so tired that I went back to sleep...without even putting my clothes back on.

/end rant.