Thursday, January 22, 2009

Obama is NOT amused.

Biden better stick to his day job and leave the joke telling to Jerry Seinfeld.

I only said Jerry Seinfeld because he's one of my favorite comedians, and he totally charges like 3X as much as other comedians for show tickets.

ok so in my research to find out how much other comedians are charging for show tickets, I saw Louie Anderson on Ticketmaster. It totally freaked me out because the last time I checked, he was dead. well, as it turns out, ol' Louie is very much alive!!

My other reason for mentioning Mr. Seinfeld was so that I could include a clip of him in this post. Since starting this post, I came across a video of Ellen DeGeneres (whom I love just as much as Jerry Seinfeld) and decided to post it inside of Seinfeld...mostly because she's discussing my new obsession: Aretha Franklin's hat:

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

BUT can she wipe her own ass???????? PT. 1

so my uncle called me just now telling me to turn to FNC and I thought "oh great, more political stuff and inaugural coverage" and then I saw that O'Reilly Factor was on and got incredibly annoyed...especially since he's chillin' with Dennis Miller.
anyway, they aired this clip and I thought it was hilarious, adorable, and a little bit disturbing:

Yes he did!

I really wanted to live blog the inauguration today, but I was forced to attend part 2 of being reinstated at school. I suppose it's a good thing because if I stayed home and made an attempt to live blog, I'd be pissy drunk and super emotional. eh...that's a regular Tuesday afternoon for me anyway.

Baltimore definitely had Obama Fever despite the woman getting on the train telling her girlfriend "I-O-WANNA SEE DAT SHIT! THEY AWREDDY CUT OFF MY STORIES!"
She was mad loud and ghetto, but I had to at least smirk at her comment because I was a little peeved over not being able to see what was going down between Krystal and Tad on All My Children. Of course, seeing a new president was more satisfying than standing around waiting for Kendall to come out of her coma.

When I left out of my house to go to my school, the inauguration was looking extremely boring. My TV screen was filled with a bunch of important people smiling and nodding at one another in a very awkward Easter Sunday church service kinda way...especially when you haven't been to church all year long and the regulars are giving you the side eye.

I thought I was gonna miss everything, but my school had it playing on every TV...really nice big screen displays and everyone stood around watching. It was so cool and I captured a picture of it on my cell phone, but I have no idea where my phone is. I think my fat ass cat is sitting on it. He gets off to the vibration whenever people call me.

Needless to say, production was slowwwwwwwwwwwed down in the school because everyone wanted to watch the inauguration. When I got there, Aretha Franklin was singing. She sounded like she had something in her mouth...possibly a double pork chop sandwich. I have NO idea what she was singing. I love Aretha though because she's not ashamed of her super huge tits that could fit a small village under them. Maybe that's where my phone is. That fucking hat was horrid and spectacular at the same time. It looked like the finishing touches on the Christmas gift you're not really sure u wanna open in front of the person who gave it to you because you KNOW the gift will suck and you won't be able to do that fake it's-the-thought-that-counts smile.

It's the mother of all A.M.E. church Sunday hats. My grandma and her church buddies are probably trying to find out how to get their hands on one.

I'll pass.

In the "Student Success" office (imagine me saying that in a super cheesy and chipper tone), we watched the inauguration coverage on a tiny ass 13 inch TV. it was real old school with the rabbit ears antenna and rotary knobs that you had to turn with some pliers when you lost the knob. remember those? my grandma still has one...and her cable is hooked up to it.

So at about 12:05, it was official. Our president is black!! The state employees (and describing these women is a whole 'nother blog post) were all thanking "jeez-zus". It was an amazing moment, experiencing history like that. I kinda felt like I was in an episode of Good Times during one of those break-through moments. Talk about goosebumps...
Obama kinda butchered the swearing in portion, but it really wasn't his fault.
Chief Justice Whatchamacallit was trying to rush that shit and have Obama recite all 35 words at one time. He also twisted some of the words around. It's okay though. If Obama's "good talking ass" ever feels bad about it, he can watch this video:

and that's just one of MANY.

I must say that I liked Obama's speech. I can't really compare it to his past speeches because, like merengue, it all sounds the same. He said that he was humbled, grateful, and mindful, but he left out nauseous with a side of gas. I refuse to believe that he didn't feel that way.

I liked how he spoke to Americans and not just us coloreds (I like to say coloreds for that raise-your-eyebrows effect...much like "you people"). I also liked how he started out saying "I thank President Bush for a service to our nation" and then followed it up with saying how fucked up shit is and how we need to fix it. He should've referred to Bush as "Piece of Shit", but I suppose that's synonymous with Bush anyway. Obama could've skipped calling him "president" though. If Obama didn't get the memo, there were 47 trillion people out there to remind him.
I swear you could hear a pin drop out there when he was speaking. It was pretty damn amazing. I remember when my grandpa was alive, he'd watch all the game shows and always root for the "black guy". We used to sit around trying to solve the Wheel of Fortune puzzles while Joe (that's what we called him...even though it wasn't remotely close to his name) was so concerned about who won. If he had to walk away from the TV, he'd find me later on and ask if the black guy won. Well Joe, the black guy won.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

to answer your questions....

Nearly everyone who has visited my blog (btw, you suckas need to leave comments and quit emailing/messaging me) has had the same damn questions about the title picture.

yes, the above picture is me.

HELL TO THE FUCK NO, I cannot send you the unedited version. I don't even wanna see the unedited version lol

I didn't black out my face. that's my hair covering it...or some dead horse's hair.

my cat took the picture.

anymore questions????

The image is kinda haunting. Every time I open this blog (especially after a few rum & cokes--don't worry, I'm joining AA tomorrow), the chick in the picture gets FATTER!! It's driving me crazy...and even though I know it's me, I still feel like she's gonna come out of the screen on some Ring shit!!

at the end of the day, it was quite arousing to have the picture taken and displayed.

Monday, January 19, 2009

LifeCall moments...

I love LifeCall moments!!

If you know me, you know that one of the things I find great amusement in is seeing people fall. It's just plain funny. My boss says there's just something wrong with my generation. I'll agree that there's plenty wrong with us. Here's the thing: My ability to laugh at myself falling makes it okay. Yes, I have a really fucked up sense of logic. If you ever see me fall down, feel free to capture it on video and post that video all over the "internets"

and it's not okay when someone gets hurt. well, it depends on who that someone is.

Today I bring you 2 LifeCall moments. The first one comes from Akon who decided that it would be a good idea to shower the fans and stage with his bottled water. A slippery stage while running is just a recipe for disaster. Skip to the 36 second mark to see Akon smack that...all on the floor.

Our next LifeCall moment comes from a very sad sight. First of all, how do you go from this...

to THIS:

It's really mind boggling.

Mr. Phoenix has decided to give up his acting career to become a rapper. Watch this idiot hip hop's next lyrical prodigy experience his LifeCall moment at the 31 second mark.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Rachel Ray doesn't like corn pubes in her teeth...

Apparently Frank thinks we wanna see Rachel Ray give a hand job to a cob of corn on a Saturday morning.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device...

Today in Maryland, it was about 26 degrees. I froze my ass off walking one block from my mom's house to the bus stop wondering how the passengers of flight 1549 felt as their plane crashed into the Hudson River. That water is not only disgusting and toxic, it had to be ice cold. It was about 9 degrees in New York today. Could you imagine your body hitting that water as the goddamn Staten Island ferry rides by asking if you need a lift? SHIT! I'm never getting on a plane again. Thank God all of the passengers survived. That is not something I'd ever want to experience.....EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have CNN playing in the background. The doctors being interviewed are saying that the passengers just had mild hypothermia. hell, I suffer from mild hypothermia just getting up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night when my heat isn't on. I just can't imagine being in this situation. I'm too much of a pussy. Truth: I don't even listen when the flight attendants are telling me the flight emergency procedures. I got my own floatation devices.

Don't even get me started on the geese.

The youtube clip said that this dude's name is Jeff Colajay, and he's a local hero in Connecticut. If that's true, expect to see more of this guy...Mcdonald's commercials, an Oprah interview and a reality show on VH1.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Being a grown up ain't always fun!!

There are soooo many cool things I can do now that I live alone like polishing my toenails Pyramid Passion pink on the carpet, naked, singing Nasty Girl by Vanity 6 while drinking milk straight out the carton at 3am. That's always fun.

...but being poor is NOT!!

Living alone costs money!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

HIP HOP IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was made back in the 80s before hip hop went to hell. They just don't produce creative lyricists like this anymore.

These rap punks of today need to take notes!

Look at the guy at the 1:40 mark. Jay-Z, Kanye and a few others have already tried to copy his style with the glasses.
This dude was clearly the innovator!!

(yes, I've been sipping on the shorty of Kahlua in my desk...sshhh don't tell my boss)

Friday, January 9, 2009

I am NOT a Ravens fan....I just look DAMN GOOD in purple!!

I'm not a Ravens fan. I AM NOT A RAVENS FAN!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my favorite idioms is "by any stretch of the imagination"...mostly because it adds emphasis to whatever point I'm trying to get across (much like the word "fuck")...therefore, I am NOT a Ravens fan BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION!!

I live in Maryland....Baltimore, Maryland to be exact. This is the home of many things that excite and anger me...but mostly the things that annoy me. ok fine, I'm easily annoyed, and I suppose the job of a town is to support it's home team. There's just something about the natives of Baltimore that make the support obnoxiously obnoxious. First of all, the colors chosen for the teams here were clearly picked based on the lack of colors left after every other team in the country had picked it's colors. The Orioles (Baltimore's baseball team) has Halloween pumpkin orange as it's color....ORANGE!!!

I try to keep my knowledge of sports and sports history limited because I'm a chick. Maybe sports knowledge is impressive to some guys, but if the size of my breasts isn't impressive enough, tough shit. I do know that the color is based off of the oriole bird which is black and orange, but I like my version of how things went down much better.

Anyway, I don't know who chooses the colors for each team, but that person must've been driving down the street one day when he was halted by a Road Work Ahead sign and thought "hmmm that'd be a good team color".

If you think that's bad, the Ravens (Baltimore's football team) has grimace purple!! Remember Grimace? he was the big blob of purple ______ from McDonaldland. Nobody really knew what he was (and no, he wasn't a tastebud even though some dude in my 5th grade class swore up and down he was).

That, alone, is enough to make me hate the Ravens. I love to wear purple. I look damn good in, REALLY good so I own a lot of purple clothing.
The other thing that makes me hate the Ravens is how everyone just ASSUMES you're a fan because you live here. THIS is not my home town, and it makes me cringe just to even consider this my home town. They really don't care where you are from. You could be straight off the boat, wearing banana leaves or a loincloth, but if you just moved to Baltimore, they'd be like "Hun, we need to get yous a purpur rag to cover yer nether regions cus Fry-dee is Ravens pride day". If you live in Baltimore, you MUST absolutely, faithfully and unconditionally LOVE the Ravens. I don't like sports that much to feel that way about any team. hell, I don't even know if I could feel that way about my own damn children (which is why I'm choosing not to have any), so why would I feel that way about THIS team? What makes them so goddamn special? That's totally rhetorical. Ravens fans don't believe in rhetorical questions. I can't honestly say that the team sucks because, like I said, I don't know much about sports...and they ARE in the playoffs. It's just that the pressure to be a die hard fan of a sports team simply because I live here only pushes me away. I rebel against everything "Maryland"...well, except the food. I can't shit on great seafood, chicken boxes and half n halfs (yes, "halfs").

so anyway, this morning (the Friday before the big game of Ravens vs Titans), I was running late for work (as ALWAYS--boy do I use the hell out of parenthesis or what?!). I looked in my closet and had a choice of 2 shirts...purple or purple. In Baltimore, Friday is like Raven's day.
it looks like a tranny hooker and Grimace became members of the mile high club while flying over Baltimore...and when Grimace pulled out, he busted a huge wad of purple jizz all over this town. Everyone wears purple. I even saw an old lady wearing a long, purple leather trench coat!! I try to avoid supporting this as much as possible, but like I said, I look damn good in purple. I stepped out of my house wearing a purple dress...okay it was a shirt that I decided to slut up a bit by wearing as a dress. Purple just brings out the slut in me...well alcohol does too...and 80s club music...and reruns of the Golden Girls...and paper clips...ok fine! ANYWAY, I walked outside of my apartment building which is like steps (really big, long steps) away from the Ravens stadium. It wasn't game day, but the fans were out. The first person I saw was a woman taking her brat to school. The brat had on a purple hat, scarf, gloves and shoe strings. I hit the corner and was met by a gang of Flacco jersey wearing, foam finger carrying, natty boh drinking RAVENS FANS! They started whistling and cheering as I did my best Tyra model walk across the street. I heard one guy say "HEY SHE MUST BE A RAVENS FAN!!!!!!!"
I turned around giving him the death stare and said "No, I'm a Giants* fan. I just look damn good in purple!"

The entire day in Baltimore...on a Friday...wearing purple...the day before the big football game was HELL! I got all kinds of honking, whistling, name it!! Of course everyone in my office assumed I was supporting the Ravens.
I'm still playing around with the idea of talking bad about them in this blog. I may invite them to read it some day and I don't wanna spend days editing and deleting the nasty things I've said about them...I already went through that once when I decided to accept their friend requests on myspace.

...left work, went to moms yada yada yada...I just spent the whole day regretting not doing laundry the day before and being forced to wear purple....UNTIL I got on the bus. My GOD! The driver was a gift from the heavens. He was the most gorgeous thing I'd seen since....ummm the last time I saw something so gorgeous!! Anyway, he spent the whole bus ride talking to some hood rat with blonde finger waves covered by a tacky floral du-rag. As I was getting off the bus, he noticed my purple shirt dress and said "oh you must be a Ravens fan! Are you gonna watch the game tomorrow!?" ....or atleast that's what I gathered from the movement of his perfect pink lips, but all I could hear were angels singing to the tune of their melodious harps. I used that as, yet another, opportunity to remind him and the rest of the world that I am NOT, by any stretch of the imagination, a Ravens fan. I just look DAMN GOOD in purple!!!

*it's much easier to explain that I am a Giants fan (by default) because I'm a New Yorker. I was raised in a family full of Giants fans (except for my little sister who tripped and busted her knee while jumping on the Steelers bandwagon in 2006). I am, however, a Steelers fan by association after spending about 4 years watching and supporting every goddamn Steelers game because I was in a relationship with a die-hard-cry-like-a-baby-if-they-lose Steelers fan.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Intro this...

...and many thoughts wandering around in my oversized head, but I just don't know how to get those thoughts out of my oversized head through my fingers and onto the squishy nubs that used to sit beneath the keys on my laptop. Most of the keys are now missing so I have to use the squishy nubs instead. It started with the K-key. It was missing when I bought this laptop for cost of 25 tax free double cheeseburgers BEFORE McFuck's McDonald's went up on the cost. Can you believe that double cheeseburgers are now $1.15?! What kind of fuckery is this?? sure, McFuck's is disgusting and you should really give any restaurant selling 2 burgers (on a bun with cheese) for a dollar the side eye because surely it CAN'T be 100% beef, but it's filling when you're broke...even if it does taste like metal and give you explosive diarrhea a few minutes after consuming it.
so yea, I got this thing for 25 bucks with a broken hinge and missing K-key....otherwise, it works just fine. unless you're into appearances (which I'm not -- judging by the chocolate brown velour pants with bleach stains at the bottom that I wear FAITHFULLY every Saturday which rolls into Sunday), this was a good deal.
One day I got the urge to evict the crumbs, hair, cat fur and small village of little people (who probably survived off of the crumbs) living under the keys. after cleaning (or attempting to clean) it, I realized that you just can't snap the keys back onto a laptop the same way you do with a desktop. actually, I discovered this when I stole a K-key from an old laptop at work and tried to snap it onto my didn't work. so I suppose I rediscovered it.
all of this to say that I can't spill my random thoughts onto the squishy nubs that used to sit beneath the keys on my laptop.