Friday, January 9, 2009

I am NOT a Ravens fan....I just look DAMN GOOD in purple!!

I'm not a Ravens fan. I AM NOT A RAVENS FAN!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my favorite idioms is "by any stretch of the imagination"...mostly because it adds emphasis to whatever point I'm trying to get across (much like the word "fuck")...therefore, I am NOT a Ravens fan BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION!!

I live in Maryland....Baltimore, Maryland to be exact. This is the home of many things that excite and anger me...but mostly the things that annoy me. ok fine, I'm easily annoyed, and I suppose the job of a town is to support it's home team. There's just something about the natives of Baltimore that make the support obnoxiously obnoxious. First of all, the colors chosen for the teams here were clearly picked based on the lack of colors left after every other team in the country had picked it's colors. The Orioles (Baltimore's baseball team) has Halloween pumpkin orange as it's color....ORANGE!!!

I try to keep my knowledge of sports and sports history limited because I'm a chick. Maybe sports knowledge is impressive to some guys, but if the size of my breasts isn't impressive enough, tough shit. I do know that the color is based off of the oriole bird which is black and orange, but I like my version of how things went down much better.

Anyway, I don't know who chooses the colors for each team, but that person must've been driving down the street one day when he was halted by a Road Work Ahead sign and thought "hmmm that'd be a good team color".


If you think that's bad, the Ravens (Baltimore's football team) has grimace purple!! Remember Grimace? he was the big blob of purple ______ from McDonaldland. Nobody really knew what he was (and no, he wasn't a tastebud even though some dude in my 5th grade class swore up and down he was).



That, alone, is enough to make me hate the Ravens. I love to wear purple. I look damn good in purple...like, REALLY good so I own a lot of purple clothing.
The other thing that makes me hate the Ravens is how everyone just ASSUMES you're a fan because you live here. THIS is not my home town, and it makes me cringe just to even consider this my home town. They really don't care where you are from. You could be straight off the boat, wearing banana leaves or a loincloth, but if you just moved to Baltimore, they'd be like "Hun, we need to get yous a purpur rag to cover yer nether regions cus Fry-dee is Ravens pride day". If you live in Baltimore, you MUST absolutely, faithfully and unconditionally LOVE the Ravens. I don't like sports that much to feel that way about any team. hell, I don't even know if I could feel that way about my own damn children (which is why I'm choosing not to have any), so why would I feel that way about THIS team? What makes them so goddamn special? That's totally rhetorical. Ravens fans don't believe in rhetorical questions. I can't honestly say that the team sucks because, like I said, I don't know much about sports...and they ARE in the playoffs. It's just that the pressure to be a die hard fan of a sports team simply because I live here only pushes me away. I rebel against everything "Maryland"...well, except the food. I can't shit on great seafood, chicken boxes and half n halfs (yes, "halfs").

so anyway, this morning (the Friday before the big game of Ravens vs Titans), I was running late for work (as ALWAYS--boy do I use the hell out of parenthesis or what?!). I looked in my closet and had a choice of 2 shirts...purple or purple. In Baltimore, Friday is like Raven's day.
it looks like a tranny hooker and Grimace became members of the mile high club while flying over Baltimore...and when Grimace pulled out, he busted a huge wad of purple jizz all over this town. Everyone wears purple. I even saw an old lady wearing a long, purple leather trench coat!! I try to avoid supporting this as much as possible, but like I said, I look damn good in purple. I stepped out of my house wearing a purple dress...okay it was a shirt that I decided to slut up a bit by wearing as a dress. Purple just brings out the slut in me...well alcohol does too...and 80s club music...and reruns of the Golden Girls...and paper clips...ok fine! ANYWAY, I walked outside of my apartment building which is like steps (really big, long steps) away from the Ravens stadium. It wasn't game day, but the fans were out. The first person I saw was a woman taking her brat to school. The brat had on a purple hat, scarf, gloves and shoe strings. I hit the corner and was met by a gang of Flacco jersey wearing, foam finger carrying, natty boh drinking RAVENS FANS! They started whistling and cheering as I did my best Tyra model walk across the street. I heard one guy say "HEY SHE MUST BE A RAVENS FAN!!!!!!!"
I turned around giving him the death stare and said "No, I'm a Giants* fan. I just look damn good in purple!"

The entire day in Baltimore...on a Friday...wearing purple...the day before the big football game was HELL! I got all kinds of honking, whistling, cheering...you name it!! Of course everyone in my office assumed I was supporting the Ravens.
I'm still playing around with the idea of talking bad about them in this blog. I may invite them to read it some day and I don't wanna spend days editing and deleting the nasty things I've said about them...I already went through that once when I decided to accept their friend requests on myspace.

...left work, went to moms yada yada yada...I just spent the whole day regretting not doing laundry the day before and being forced to wear purple....UNTIL I got on the bus. My GOD! The driver was a gift from the heavens. He was the most gorgeous thing I'd seen since....ummm the last time I saw something so gorgeous!! Anyway, he spent the whole bus ride talking to some hood rat with blonde finger waves covered by a tacky floral du-rag. As I was getting off the bus, he noticed my purple shirt dress and said "oh you must be a Ravens fan! Are you gonna watch the game tomorrow!?" ....or atleast that's what I gathered from the movement of his perfect pink lips, but all I could hear were angels singing to the tune of their melodious harps. I used that as, yet another, opportunity to remind him and the rest of the world that I am NOT, by any stretch of the imagination, a Ravens fan. I just look DAMN GOOD in purple!!!


*it's much easier to explain that I am a Giants fan (by default) because I'm a New Yorker. I was raised in a family full of Giants fans (except for my little sister who tripped and busted her knee while jumping on the Steelers bandwagon in 2006). I am, however, a Steelers fan by association after spending about 4 years watching and supporting every goddamn Steelers game because I was in a relationship with a die-hard-cry-like-a-baby-if-they-lose Steelers fan.

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