Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mickey Rourke Schween

Alright, I waited for F-to-the-Nichelle to point this out and she has not done so yet. The people can no longer be withheld from this pertinent information.

Did anybody notice Mickey Rourke's outfit for the Academy Awards?

Is that a wrinkle in his pants, or is he just happy to see me?

Maybe he was looking at one of the ladies on the runway?

I normally wear underwear to prevent that from happening. But thats me.

Frankie Nichelle edit for your viewing pleasure...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


....more than, almost, anything in the world!! I can eat pancakes for breakfast lunch and dinner. I've been getting a shit load of phone calls, messages and emails about free pancakes at IHOP. HOW EXCITINGGGGG!!!!

...cause sometimes you just need your pancake fix!

Free Pancakes at IHOP!

Tuesday, February 24th between 7 a.m. and 10 p.m., every IHOP in the country will serve a free short stack of buttermilk pancakes.

In turn, they ask that you make a donation - any size donation - to IHOP’s national charity partner, Children’s Miracle Network, which helps improve the lives of children at 170 hospitals nationwide. One hundred percent of the funds raised locally will benefit the Children’s Miracle Network hospital in your area.

The retail value of a short stack is about $4.79.

About National Pancake Day

Known also as Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras, National Pancake Day dates back several centuries to when the English prepped for fasting during Lent. Strict rules prohibited the eating of all dairy products during Lent, so pancakes were made to use up the supply of eggs, milk, butter and other dairy products…hence the name Pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday.

Since beginning its National Pancake Day celebration in 2006, IHOP has raised nearly two million dollars to support charities in the communities in which it operates.
With your help, we hope to raise $1,000,000 for Children’s Miracle Network in 2009!

Go get your free pancakes and make a nice big donation! do it for the CHILDREN!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscar Meijer Weiner Lovers

Since nothing else was on I just left the TV on the Oscars last night. I learned a couple things.
Frankie Nichelle's comments in green.
Antón's additional comments in blue.

(Straights do NOT have biceps like that.)

1. Wolverine and Sean Penn are light in the loafers. Its a little unexpected because they aren't your typical twinks like Adrien Brody or Jackie Gyllenhaal (I heard he's a "bottom" didn't see the movie yet). For me, its like Russell Crowe coming out of the closet. If that happens I know our culture has come full circle-reliving the Roman Queer-Is-In Era. My dad always said everybody in Hollywood is bi. I shut off my Bi-dar last night because it almost blew the speakers. It was just one solid tone like when someone dies in the hospital. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep (Anthony Hopkins on stage) *silence* (he leaves) beep beep (Al Pacino on stage) beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. The beeps drove my bird nuts. (and yes I realize Hannibal was bi, but Anthony Hopkins doesn't take his work home!)

I don't know about those other twinks, but Adrien Brody can butt fuck (or be butt fucked by) me ANY TIME!! lube...WHATEVER!
Russell Crowe can get it as long as he's being the dominant one and isn't wearing that God forsaken pony tail! Al Pacino is starting to look mad old and sickly. who am I kidding? he could get it! He has to do the Cuban accent OR pretend to be satan though.

You fantasize about Adrien Brody's nose hitting your G-spot? Cuz we all know its possible with that long ass nose.

2. Queen Latifah sings better than That Woman. One of the things I do to judge somebodys singing talent is listen how they transistion from note to note. I really really enjoyed Latifah's performance. She puts emotion into her voice. Kudos to her.
Latifah's singing was lovely. I really teared up at the end when they showed Paul Newman.
Homeboy had his own popcorn label! But he became my hero in Cool Hand Luke ;)

3. When That Woman and Butch Wolverine were doing their Musical Tribute to ADD, I noticed that That Woman tries too damn hard! One thing I love about her is her child-bearing hips. YUM! That Woman has some legs on her omg... "esta por matar". But anywho. Yah, that whole performance was horrible! And I love Broadway. They jumped way too fast from one song to another and the vocals were way too rushed. And while I do love interracial porn, I do NOT love interracial Grease. No! Don't do that to Grease! And somebody needs to resend Hugh the memo, you are NOT Michael Crawford!
I really wanted a drunken Etta James to crash the Oscars and beat THAT WOMANs ass for trying to slip At Last into her skanky performance.

4. I realized that Hollywood is so full of themselves. No where else is it socially acceptable to be so proud about being recognized for your own work. I mean lets be honest. The only person that won an award last night for the right reasons was Jerry Lewis. I mean, how can these people be so into themselves?! Jerry got an award for being himself and here are all these clowns crying like they received the highest honor in the world for just acting? Grow the fuck up. Thats why I like pimps like Marlon Brando (another Bi) who are too cool for Oscars. Lol... He was a pimp.
I HATE when Kate Winslet's cry baby ass wins ANYTHING! She always acts like it's the first award she's ever won...EVER after working for 60 yrs in this business. give me a fucking break Katie! GIVE ME A BREAK!!
Right, right, but you know her hair was bad ass. It had this Sharon Stone thing going on.

5. Its official, Diane Lane and her husband are hotter than Bradgelina. I'm just saying, the Jolie-Pitts moved to number 2 in my list of Couples I'd Have a Threesome With. And I don't want to read any comments about Jlo-Marc. They are not even on the list-Thank You very much! Although, I will say Jlo was on the list when she was with Ben Affleck and that one time when I imagined her dating Ricky Martin-they would have had some hot ass twins! YOU KNOW IT TOO!
I love Diane Lane. her performance in Unfaithful was great. that's what made me love her. It also kinda made cheating okay in my book ;)
Yes! That performance gave me a fascination with cougars. It started with her.

6. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a clone of Heath Ledger's sister.
I agree...only her devil horns are missing.

7. The gowns and suits were BORING across the board! I could find more fashionable apparel at Farm and Fleet or Meijers-true story. I could have showed up with something from Target's clearance rack and I would have been the hottest man on the Red Carpet.
and what was with all those nude colored dresses? gag! I liked Sarah Jessica Parker's dress. don't even get me started on Alicia Keys! she looked like Barbie's older tanned tranny sister!!
Alicia Keys tries to damn hard too! She needs a professional make artist. I think she ODed on makeup. At least she didn't bedazzle herself with a silly ass jewel on her foreheard.

Was it just me or was Heath totally ignored from the In Memoriam Tribute to the Most Important People of All Time (note the sarcasm)? Maybe the timing of his death was not in the window of opportunity for recognition? That sounds so silly. Then again, so was the whole damn event.
I just read that Heath was included in the 2008 thingy. Brad Renfro wasn't included.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

complaining and commuting...

6:42AM - I really have a taste for teriyaki chicken. This is a good sign because lately, I haven't had a craving for anything other than this:

and that's only because I've seen it posted on like 8 blogs in the past week. I can't think of eating anything but that even though it's disgusting and borderline deadly. I even went to Dunkin Donuts last night in an attempt to make this grossness on my own, but they were closed.

so yes, I have a craving for teriyaki chicken and if I can get out of my house by 7:30AM, I'll be able to get some before work. God knows there's nothing decent to eat on campus. I just need to wash and dry my hair, shower, get dressed, clean the litter boxes and feed the cats so I can leave by 7:30.

7:54AM - No teriyaki chicken for me...seeing as how I'm JUST leaving out!

7:56AM - OH GREAT, a red light! How delightful as 3 buses roll by. I'm pretty sure at least 2 of those buses was the one I needed.

7:57AM - I've walked passed this paper man 70 mornings since I've moved in my apartment. If I didn't want a newspaper the first 70 times WHY, pray tell, would I want a newspaper on the 71st time?? QUIT ASKING ME!!

- I need some fucking coffee and I'm taking the first bus that comes and going it comes... 11 - Towson. I'm getting on this shit and going right to the Starbucks in Charles Village.

7:59AM - ewww this fucking bus is crowded. I'll go to the one in Mount Vernon since it's closer and it's right on the bus stop. If I was in NYC, I wouldn't have these issues getting coffee.

- Why is this woman behind me so loud? Did she just say "I can't believe it's Thursday already" ? SERIOUSLY????????? I feel like Tuesday lasted 3 days!

8:04AM - This guy has a Dunkin Donuts cup. see, that's what the fuck I wanted. OOOHHH this chick is NOT wearing taxi cab yellow pants.'s really too early in the morning to be looking at these pants. She needs to burn them...ASAP!

8:11AM - I'm getting off to get Starbucks before I die.

8:11AM - I kinda don't want coffee anymore. well, since I'm here, I may as well get coffee.

8:12AM - Am I ordering food? FOOD? Why did he ask me that? they don't even have real food here and I am NOT about to pay $1.35 for a donut. get the fuck outta here.

8:13AM - Did she just say my total for a frapp was $4? this is some boooooolshit. For such a pretty girl, she sounds like a man. I wonder if she used to be a dude. They're always the pretty ones.

- What the fuck is taking so long?? She better hope I don't miss--and there goes my bus. Of course my order is ready after my bus has pulled off. some BOOOOOOLSHIT!!

8:16 AM - My boss is gonna kill me!! I guess I'll be 15 min late which is better than 45 minutes like the rest of this week.

- hmmm Embroidered Royal Trophies...that's an odd place for that store. I wonder if I could go in there an order an Edgecombe Elementary School - Most Improved Student trophy to get over the trauma of not getting this trophy as a kid. It was supposed to be MINE!! They described me right before announcing the winner and as I stood up to accept it, they called Jacora arch nemesis. It has haunted me for 14 years!! She used to co--here comes the bus.

- I hope it's not crowded. I guess beggars can't--FUCKING ASSHOLE DRIVER ALMOST HIT ME!! WHAT THE FUCK! I think he's reading a China Wok menu. bastard.

- It annoys the hell out of me when the person sitting near the window has to get off the bus...which means I have to move my fat ass while the bus is in motion...and even though we are directly in front of the back door, this cunt ass bitch has decided to get off at the front door...meaning we have to pivot around one another.

8:27AM - Why are all these bachata songs coming up in the shuffle on my iPod? I don't even like bachata. hermanita el no te quiere quiere..tiene como veinte mujeres
y tu lo sabessssss
...yea, Romeo could get it. That video was so stupid. If I was the girl in the video, I would've left that ugly, abusive ass chump and boned Romeo on the table of that restaurant. yep.

8:30AM - I really wish this chick didn't sit next to me. She's really pretty, but her breath smells like she just got done sucking on 3 sweaty, uncircumcised dicks.

8:32AM - MAN LOOK AT ALL THOSE EMPTY SEATS! Why is she still sitting next to me!??!

- ok the way she slid her arm across my neck to ring the bell SCREAMS lesbian tendencies. maybe she likes big boobs.

8:34AM - The driver rode passed her stop. She just sighed real hard and that breath almost singed my eyebrows!!

- I just realized these pants are high waters. I mean, I knew when I put them on but I didn't realize how high. FUCK! I have a hole in my pants too. at least my fuchsia panties match my fuchsia head band and shirt. fuck it.

- Finally at my stop.

- Why is it taking 1 minute...1/60th of a goddamn hour to pull this dumb ass bus on the side of the street and let us off?!

lemme get my ass in this office before my boss notices that I'm late for the 3rd time this week!!

but first, I need to post this video of this quadruple threat. Don't ask me what the quads are because this kid does everything...and he does it WELL! Anyway, he performed it at an open mic I attended on Sunday. He's comparing the bus to a slave ship and fuck if I can't agree!! There's a bit of talking in the beginning, but it starts at 3:13.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

such a turn on....

I was browsing some blogs and came across this picture. There's something so yummy about scruffy, dick grabbing Brits. Oh who am I kidding? We all know the real reason I'm aroused: TUBE SOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if my ex wore these instead of those God forsaken ankle socks, I would've swallowed been less of a bitch. He used to put on these stupid white ankle socks that barely covered his feet right after molesting his entire body with a jar of Vaseline. The smell of hot petroleum jelly didn't help the situation either.

Another thing that turned me on today was my bank account. I should have taken a screen shot of it at 2AM when my full paycheck was deposited, clearly by mistake, but I was too excited. By 6AM, it was all gone. WHOMP WHOMP!! I won't take a screen shot of it now because it's VERY pathetic...especially after my deductions make it look like I get paid like 7 dollars (per hr) LESS than I actually do. I'll just say that at 2AM my checking account was looking realllll fuckable.

FUCKABLE: my new co-worker. His sex appeal has a lot to do with the lack of men working in my department. There's William, the barely legal (19), baby faced accounting major. There's "Sam" (whose name has been changed because it was wayyy too uncommon), the cross between Akon and Omar Epps. He has 10 years on me and is somewhat of an office father figure. If it wasn't for that and my strange respect for his wife.......................
Anyway, there's a new guy here now. We'll call him Isaac to protect his identity. After talking with him a few times, my gaydar starting humming the tune to Dancing Queen.

He's cute. He reminds me of Frankie Hubbard on All My Children. Maybe I saw him and immediately gave him Frankie's personality...ultimately making him fuckable. I don't know what it is, but that dancing queen can feel the beat from my tambourine anytime he wants.

I let this other dude feel the beat from my tambourine this weekend....and beat it, we did. I woke up with a nearly detached nipple. Being the texthibitionist that I am, I was gonna write about the experience, but the Malibu, Belvedere, Peach Schnapps infused orange juice I drank the night of the incident is keeping me from remembering exactly what happened. I questioned Quincy (the culprit whose name has been changed because he looks more like a Quincy than whatever the hell his name is...and I'm pretty sure I screamed that out a few times), but he didn't remember on account of whatever he had in that SoBe bottle.

It sure as shit wasn't the Black & Blue Berry Brew juice on the label because Black & Blue Berry Brew juice does NOT turn your eyes dark pink and force you to go from a shy, soft spoken guy to an S&M pro. Well, I wouldn't exactly call him a PRO because a pro wouldn't leave you scarred and disfigured the next day.
Anyway, this is about what has me aroused today. I'm not turned on by the need to probably have my nipple sewn back on. It's all about being able to explain to random strangers why I'm in pain and whip out my tit for them. That's always fun.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Drama Queen of Hong Kong

And I thought Latinas were dramatic...

Speaking of Drama
I almost died this weekend. Yep. A woman driver completely ignored her red light and decided to keep going (at full speed) as I was going through my green light. At the last moment I noticed she was not slowing down at all, so I had to punch it. She just missed me. If I would have slowed down she would have T-boned me (in which case, I would be typing this from the hospital bed or via Miss Cleo through Preci.)

"Watcha want to ask me Darling?"

At first I was afraid. I was petrified! Kept think I could never live without you by my side. Needless to say, I Will Survive.

The woman driver decided to stop after she completely passed the intersection. At that point you might as well just keep going.

Speaking of Women Drivers
I went to a Valentines Dance with my mother. Didn't see any hoes there. There was more dudes there than women. I was the best dressed (as usual). No pictures. Sorry toots. But this was like the first time ever I didn't get all depressed about being single. I actually was really happy. Still am.

Speaking of Pimps & Hoes
I've decided I'm going to learn the Pimp Walk Slide!

Its going to take a while but I anticipate uploading a video of what I've learned. But don't hold your breath because I haven't gotten down in a while. My joints get rusty. I use to break when I was like 7. Then there was this incident...

We'll see.

Friday, February 13, 2009

speaking of the shit I've been reading online today....

My co-worker came in and told me that it was Friday 13th. I thought to myself hmmm this would've been a GREAT day to release the new Jason movie. well slap me with a hard dick...IT IS coming out today! DUHHHHHH!!!!

Speaking of Friday 13th, check out this review for the movie at FishAndSpaghetti. I kinda wanna see it, but at the same time I REALLY want a prequel to this movie. I LOVE prequels even though they hardly exist. I want a full movie about Camp Crystal Lake, Maureen Prescott's whoring ways, and how Samara Morgan came to be...not just clips throughout the first movie and the 17 sequels to follow. If you're tilting your head sideways wondering who these people are, you're no fan of horror movies.

Speaking of tilting your head sideways: THIS IS SOME FUCKED UP SHIT!!!!!!!!

Speaking of fucked up shit, imagine your boss stumbling upon pictures of you dressed as a fairy princess at a party you attended on the day you called out claiming to be taking care of a sick relative. Read this and more embarrassing online mishaps here.

Speaking of the internets, I have become addicted to Questlove's addiction to twittering, but he hasn't said anything in 11 hours. Should we send the dogs out???

Speaking of addiction, this dumb bitch is crazy!! She's addicted to children AND Angelina Jolie. I'm sure there are plenty of men and bi-this-week women who are obsessed with Angelina Jolie, but they are not trying to kick out 37 babies and have their bodies stretched out like THIS!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Cagao on the Red Carpet

A picture is worth a thousand words. And an improperly sported Roberto Cavalli is worth more than Dulcolax Stool Softeners; so why does Miley's pose scream constipation?

Mira mamita, stop trying to be miss thang. We've all seen this before, first you think you is a runway model then you's showing your cooch off all over TMZ. Her toe is curled like something got stuck somewhere up in one of those crevices.

You is not grown folks. Stick to your Hanna Barbera or Hanna Nebraska business. (I dont know what her Sasha Fierce is called.)

Also out and about on the night scene, trying to act like they stylin... Rihanna.

Sporting her favorite colors... black and blue. I hear Chris loves her in those colors too! I guess its politically incorrect to make fun of the victim. Yah... oh well.

Another ho, with more money than she got style, Angelina Jolie.

The upper half of the dress is ok. The bottom half looks incomplete or short. Those colors are too boring! What was Versace thinking?! Leave the primary colors to Tommy Hilfiger. I expect better from Versace (I'm sporting a Versace knit today). I'm sure the black tights underneath the dress was not recommended. There is no way. Maybe she is gonna go to the gym after the red carpet? I think I speak for all men when I say flesh tone lips are nasty. Whether or not you add color to them is your personal preference, but don't take away the natural color! Maybe that is her natural lip color... ew. Brad Pitt just lost cool points for associating with that.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

complaining and commuting...

I really wish the bus that I'm taking to work could flip over on its side (without hurting anyone) so that I'd have a decent excuse for being late for work AGAIN today. I've literally been standing out here for over 40 fucking minutes waiting for a bus.

I can't even call my boss and tell her that's the reason why I'm late because I wasted that excuse yesterday. WASTED because she didn't get in until an hour after me so she wouldn't have even known I was late if I didn't leave that voicemail. Meanwhile, a vein in my head is about to pop because I need my coffee, I've watched 7 other buses that I DON'T NEED ride by, and also because I'm bothered by the overuse of the word "literally" . There was no reason for me to type it in the second sentence, but I can't erase it or my entire blog entry/text will be deleted.

Update - 8:32 AM
I am aggravated and on the verge of giving this inconsiderate, cigarette smoking bastard standing next to me the Chris Brown Special!

Update - 8:39 AM
I'm calling the fucking MTA. There has to be something wrong. There's NO way I should be standing on a fucking bus stop for this long during the morning in the middle of the week.

Update - 8:42 AM
Okay there's a water main break around the corner. I'm not sure what that means...something dealing with pipes and water. It always sounds kinda important and troublesome. It's not a good enough excuse for my boss to be concerned about my well being or give me the next 3 days off, but it'll work.

Update - 8:43 AM
The bus is FINALLY here. damn, it's only going to Taylor Avenue (not the complete bus route) and a shit load of people going further than that will be left behind and PISSED. Nevermind, it's crowded as hell.

Update - 8:44 AM
got a seat...well, half a seat because his entire fat ass and my entire fat ass can't co-exist on these 2 small seats.

Update - 8:45 AM
just great. There's a freakin child on here singing some homemade song. SHUT THE FUCK UP!! See, this is my problem with children. I'm all for free self expression, but I don't wanna hear this little girl's offbeat, random freestyle when I have to be to work in negative 15 minutes and I'm sitting on the crowded bus with my ass halfway off the seat and some OTHER kid kicking the back of my chair...and in case you forgot, I HAVEN'T HAD MY CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always say I don't like children, but it's really the parents who annoy me. SHUT YOUR KID UP!!
(I know I'm getting the side eye from the parents who read my blog)

Update - 8:48 AM
Is this dude seriously getting on this crowded ass bus with a big ass cardboard box!? SERIOUSLY????????????????

Update - 8:57 AM
it smells like cigarettes, cat piss, bergamot hair grease, hot onions, feet, Desitin ointment, and apple Now & Laters on this bus.

Update - 9:04 AM
I know this bus is crowded, but I'm really getting tired of this dude hitting me with his big ass man bag purse. Time to zone out to some Barretto before I have to smack a bitch!!

Update - 9:09 AM
add pine tree to the list of random smells.

Update - 9:27 AM
I'm here!!

oh fucking joy.

I just came.

A few years ago my boyfriend-type-person (now ex) sat me down and told me that I had an obsession with food. Before the words could even leave his lips, I was cursing him out, accusing him of being an insensitive, rude asshole! Was he calling me FAT?! Unbeknownst to me, I HAD AN OBSESSION WITH FOOD.

It was never about eating the food...well, sometimes it was because I'm not exactly a size 2, but it was about the food appealing to each and every one of my senses. I love the way it feels on my fingers. The smell of it makes me weak in my knees and moist in other areas. The taste of so many incredibly flavorful dishes on the inside of my tongue, my gums, my teeth. The sound it makes when you bite into it...that crunch provided by apples, fried chicken, potato chips...oh my! Some folks are bothered by people who smack their food, but my insides get all excited to hear it. The most amazing part of it all is the way the food looks...MY GOD! I can sit for hours and hours googling pictures of food and never get tired of looking at it: wedding/birthday cakes, recipes, restaurant's like porn to me!! Whenever I go to a restaurant, I never need a menu because I have my meal picked out down the to the dessert and drinks.

It's a really sick obsession, but I've accepted it. I even changed my major to English so I could become a professional food critic. That was before I realized that I suck as an English major (don't ask me about past participles) and I suck at critiquing food (I usually have an orgasm and don't wanna be bothered by writing before I can even finish a meal). Anyway, I gave you the short version of my food obsession to mention this AMAZING website I discovered while reading the entries for a caption contest on Dlisted a few days ago: This is Why You're Fat

After looking through the pictures, I smacked myself for not having a camera handy to capture my reaction to each one. It would've been a kick ass reaction video. I watched it at work and needed to go wipe and smoke a cigarette when I was done. It was more exciting, arousing, and pleasurable than any sexual experience I've ever had. sorry guys.

wait a minute...does that revelation make me a loser???

Anyway, most of the stuff on this website is a heart attack deep fried in grease, sprinkled with powdered sugar, smothered in chocolate sauce and served on a platter made of broken glass for you to eat after shooting up 1329mg of heroin while sitting in the middle of the highway during rush hour on a Friday evening. I mostly get off to the pictures, but I'd try anything once.

...because it's therapeutic

FishandSpaghetti posted this video last week of Christian Bale verbally putting hot sauce on a cinematographer on the set of his new movie and eating him whole. FUCK is the absolute best word in the English language. it's fucking therapeutic!! It adds emphasis to whatever point you're trying to get across. You know a person really puts 110% into saying FUCK when his bottom lip goes into his mouth and his teeth pierce the skin under said the way, what is the area between your chin and lip called? anyway, the word FUCK is fucking awesome. Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, I just call random people and say FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how it makes them feel, but it makes me feel a little better. It releases some tension. I usually only call companies that have pissed me off in the past--Bank of America, Comcast, MTA, Pleasure Cuffs & Stuff, etc.

Anyway, in this video, Christian Bale says FUCK (or some variation of the word) 39 times...including one of my favorites: unFUCKINGbelievable. He gets extra points for that one.

There's also a few remixes of Bale's rant(my new ring tone) and, of course, a public apology for his actions. I wish these celebs would stop apologizing/giving a fuck and just be themselves sometimes. God forbid anyone think you're a human being who has a bad day and needs to drop the F bomb a few dozen times!

Speaking of lame ass public apologies, some picture of Michael Phelps bonging it up made its whore rounds on the internets like last week.

One of the people at the party where Phelps toked up said, “If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals again.”
Baby doll trust me, this is NOT the first time he's smoked. Have you read this dude's menu??? he clearly has a case of the neverending munchies.

Since it happened a week ago, there was plenty of time for the pictures to be posted on some website creating a lot of conversation during the morning commute to work, in offices, hair salons, and the local carry out while waiting for your turkey club that wasn't supposed to have mayo on it. Before people could even get over the shock and horror of Phelps smoking weed, his sponsors started affirming their support or flushing that bitch like a used condom. By the way, do NOT flush used condoms down the toilet!! They'll end up in the water supply and I don't wanna be drinking your man's diluted jizz. Thanks.

There's an antagonist in the Phelps story who's locking people up. Methinks he just wants his 7 minutes of fame.

ANYWAY (the reason I started blogging about Phelps in the first place), he has issued a lame ass public apology too. He promised it wouldn't happen again. I'm sure he made that promise immediately after smoking and right before smoking again. I'd respect him more if he just said "it's just a little weed. chill out" as he gave that bong another blow job like a back alley whore.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Live blogging the Grammys

ok lets try this...

Live blogging the Grammys...

I've decided to live blog the Grammys mostly because I don't have anyone to watch it with and my cats look at me all sideways when I talk to them about anything other than food. I said I'd live blog the Superbowl, but my sister was here using my computer and I was kinda drunk anyway. After the Superbowl, I was gonna recap the whole thing, but between the excitement of my Steelers winning and my 17th shot of rum, I wasn't thinking clearly. I went to walk my sister to the bus stop and forgot my key. Did I mention that I locked the bottom lock? Did I also mention that all I was wearing was a Steelers jersey (no bra), spandex with a big hole in the crotch (no panties), and sneakers with no socks??? You would not believe the strange looks I got from people when I had to take the train across town to my older sisters house for my spare key. Needless to say, I was NOT in the mood to recap the Superbowl when I got home.

Anyway, live blogging the Grammys....
I'm always excited to watch these award shows even though they suck more and more each year. I have an acceptance speech obsession. I think it comes from the trauma of having a trophey stolen from me in grade school. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror with my bottle of febreeze rehearsing my acceptance speeches. I have one written out for everything: Grammys, VMAs, Oscars, Tonys, the Pulitzer Prize for's almost like porn for me.


So after got all excited over an Etta James vs. THAT WOMAN cat fight, Etta went and retracted her comments. That's some BOOOOOLSHIT!! I also read somewhere that THAT WOMAN spent the day crying her eyes out over Etta James' comments. To be a fly on the wall in THAT WOMAN's presence when she first heard about Etta's comments would have been a dream come true!! I'm kinda pissed that Etta James went and did damage control. I, personally, think she should've went on an Anti-Beyonce tour letting the world know how much she can't stand her! Whether she took her words back or not, we all can see that Etta James was telling the truth. She only said what everyone else is thinking.

Aretha's famous inauguration day hat

I am so in love with the Christmas gift horror that is Aretha Franklin's inaugural hat...and all it's popularity. This hat is still a topic of discussion 3 weeks later. It even has a facebook page. It's like William Hung, Chris Crocker (I still watch all of his her videos because I love a hot mess), and a shit load of other people/things that took over the universe for all of 7 minutes that we don't quite remember anymore.

Anyway, I just read that the Smithsonian wants Re-Re's hat. She says something about it being a memento and she's not sure if she wants to give it up. That's just a nice way of saying "bitch I paid over $500 for this hat that most people would sell their first born to have and you want me to DONATE it to you!?"

hot shit indeed.

I really need someone to show up to the Grammy's wearing a fluorescent orange version of this hat.


I agree with Anton, the pink on this site is nauseating. It looks like the energizer bunny jizzed all over my screen.
I am NOT amused. That's part of the reason I don't visit my own blog. The other part is that I keep forgetting to give a shit. I tried searching for some layouts, but everything is either about love (BARF OVER ALL MY FUCKING KEYBOARD) or EMOish shit with matching lyrics and vampires. yea, no.

I have a headache that will most likely be a big fat migraine in the morning thanks to my threesome with Captain Morgan and Dr. Pepper. Captain Morgan likes it rough and raw. nasty bastard.

I simply CANNOT go to sleep. it's like 4:44am. If I was in NYC, I'd be dragging my drunken ass out of LQ, trying to get a fuck cab to the nearest diner for waffles and eggs with green peppers, cheese and onions....and no, that is NOT an omelette despite what the smart ass, divorced, mother of three, graveyard shift working cunt of a waitress says. Is LQ even still open after the fiasco with dumb ass Plaxico? I hate people with money who don't know how to fucking act!! Every time I've been to LQ, they had a bunch of butch women practically strip search me. They checked my shoes, panties, bra (don't even get me started on how my nipple ring used to set off the metal detector), my weave, in my mouth under my fucking tongue...EVERYWHERE...and I didn't mind because I usually went to LQ horny and buzzed and sometimes being felt up by a butch was the most action I had. They love big tits. Anyway, since Plaxico is loaded with money and he's an athlete, they didn't check him. Now he's fucked and I'm sure the club got fucked too.

There are men on my TV screen doing everyday things while wearing hospital gowns. What is this commercial for!? Something about being tested for something, but they don't say what...just some website:
I bet it has something to do with colons.

speaking of colons...
My cable isn't working. The basic cable works just fine, but the box with HBO and all that other good shit that I pay for (but don't really watch) won't work. My cable box is fucked. I really hate my cable company. every time I call, they tell me something different. My conversations with them usually go like this:

Comcast: Thanks for choosing Comcast, this is Carl*. how can I help you?

My cable box isn't working...AGAIN and I need you to send me a signal.

Comcast: well ma'am, I'm very sorry to hear that. I should be able to take care of that for you. First, can I get your account number and if you don't have that handy, give me your phone number.

Me: my phone number is 410-XXX-XXXX

Comcast: okay and just to verify your account, can I have your name, address and date of birth?

Me: my name is Frankie Nichelle*. My address is 555 EAST STREET, Baltimore, MD 212XX and my date of birth is April 9, 1984.

Comcast: Can I have your complete address?

Me: you know Carl, the completely unnecessary apartment number is 302. My mother's maiden name is Smith*. My favorite color is green and I have my period during the 2nd week of every month except for the rare occasion when I get fucked...then everything kinda gets thrown off, but it's usually pretty accurate. I like monkeys and alcoholic beverages that are peach flavored. I'm allergic to octopus and blueberries. I enjoy romance comedies, but I usually don't admit that to people and I always get motion sickness when I read in the car. Is that enough to answer your goddamn identity questions or would you like me to send a sample of pubic hair to you for DNA testing?

Comcast: no, that won't be necessary. if you will hold for a moment, I'll try to send a signal to your box


Comcast: is your cable working now?

Me: NO. the menu just has a stupid message on there about ordering information. Either send a signal and get my cable back on in 60 seconds or just disconnect the service all together and quit charging me every month.

Comcast: are you sure that your TV is on channel 3?

Me: Carl, if my TV was not on channel 3, would I be able to see the comcast cable menu? WOULD I, CARL!?!? If you continue to ask stupid questions, I'm going to have to hang up on you and call back later for someone a little less incompetent.

Comcast: well, can you check the box and see if everything is plugged in correctly?

Me: you're a fucking idiot. good bye Carl.

of course when you call back, you have to go through the EXACT same thing with the next Comcast genius.

wow it's now 5:28am and while my ass is numb and my headache has gotten bigger due to the increase in my blood pressure thanks to thinking about my latest Comcast drama, I am still not tired. However Married with Children just came on and there's something soothing and arousing about Ed O'neill (Al Bundy).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Etta James is hardcore

I officially LOVE Etta James!! I always knew she was a beast just judging by this performance:

She just looks like she could beat a bitch's ass. Check out the way she walked up to the stage. That's some Tyson shit right there.
Anyway, this audio has been making its whore rounds on the internets of Etta James dissing the hell out of "THAT WOMAN" (and that's what her official name on my blog will be) while saying that my President has big ears--all the better to hear us with!

I love how she threatens to whoop THAT WOMAN'S ass. My favorite part has to be where she says "I can't STAND Beyonce!"
I utter those words nearly every day when I'm walking past the desk of one of my fellow state employees singing Diva while smacking on chewing gum, rolling her neck and pointing her finger with those bedazzled, neon pink, 4 inch acrylic nails.

I have to agree with Etta James. THAT WOMAN has plenty of albums full of love songs that she could have sang for the Obamas. If Obama (or whomever) requested THAT song, why not get Etta James to sing it? She ain't dead. She's a hot mess who probably hit the flask before going on stage, but she's still alive and touring. COMPLETE disrespect!

Black is In

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Scare Tactics?

Thats funny, I thought Scare Tactics was only on the SciFi Channel?

Obama warned that failure to act quickly on a Stimulus Bill he presented "will turn crisis into a catastrophe and guarantee a longer recession."

Meanwhile, cousin Cheney warned that there is a “high probability” that terrorists will attempt a catastrophic nuclear or biological attack in coming years, and said he fears the Obama administration’s policies will make it more likely the attempt will succeed.

Raise both the Terror and Economic Alerts to RED. It's almost like Bush never left.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Color Pink, News, & Chins

As I wait for the news to talk about how a woman's chin predicts her likelihood to cheat, I'm wondering what it will take to get Frankie to change the background color from pink to... pretty much anything but. I'm not one of these guys thats too scared to be associated with things that are pink (as a matter of fact, my guys in college would say 'it doesn't matter what color it is on the outside, its all pink in the inside).

Errrr, it gets on my nerves that the media be doing this. At the beginning of the segment they will say something that sounds so damn interesting and instead of telling you the rest of the story... you must wait. And I've been through this "booooolshit" (as Frankie would say) before! They make you wait the whole damn show, then in the last minute of the news they be like... 'oh yah, you know that reason you done stayed up all night to wait to hear about this cool ass topic, well... what had happened was... you really misunderstood (ie we said it that way to make it sound better) it really ain't all that.'

Ain't that about a bitch.

*time elapses*

Oh Gawd! I know how to tell if she a ho or not!

Reader's Challenge
See if she will cheat! I challenge you to submit a picture of your girlfriend's chin so that we can tell you her Chin Whorescope. If you don't have a gf (loser-I kid, I kid) submit a picture of a girl you got the hots for. Feel free to crop out the eyes to keep it anonymous. Or not.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Hello Hot Ass World...

... as the temperature dips yet again in the Chicagoland area despite the proclamation from Energy Guru Al Gore that we are in fact experiencing Global Warming.

You know its funny that the same people who believe in evolution are complaining that all the wild life is in danger. I mean, if the temperature of the planet is changing, wouldn't life be expected to adapt? Life survived the Ice Age and if palm trees on Michigan Avenue is your worst fear, I'm finna equip myself with two cans of CFC loaded hair spray. I'm finna go to the junk yard and buy all the old refrigerators and cars that can ruin our atmosphere and run them like a Chinese kid working in a Nike sweatshop. Besides, I live a couple blocks away from a river and if my calculations are correct, the water level will rise right to the base of my loft-giving me riverfront property.

But enough about me.

I have begun the countdown to see how long it takes Obama to bring our troops home and if he sticks to his guns (so to speak). Meanwhile, many people in our world are devastated that Jessica Simpson has gained weight.

And she still ain't got no ass.

You can call me Antón (pronounced "on-Tone"). Politics, Celebrity Gossip, and Life. I'll be the salt to Frankie Nichelle's pepper, and like sweet-and-sour chicken we will enrich your life with flavor.