Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I just came.

A few years ago my boyfriend-type-person (now ex) sat me down and told me that I had an obsession with food. Before the words could even leave his lips, I was cursing him out, accusing him of being an insensitive, rude asshole! Was he calling me FAT?! Unbeknownst to me, I HAD AN OBSESSION WITH FOOD.

It was never about eating the food...well, sometimes it was because I'm not exactly a size 2, but it was about the food appealing to each and every one of my senses. I love the way it feels on my fingers. The smell of it makes me weak in my knees and moist in other areas. The taste of so many incredibly flavorful dishes on the inside of my tongue, my gums, my teeth. The sound it makes when you bite into it...that crunch provided by apples, fried chicken, potato chips...oh my! Some folks are bothered by people who smack their food, but my insides get all excited to hear it. The most amazing part of it all is the way the food looks...MY GOD! I can sit for hours and hours googling pictures of food and never get tired of looking at it: wedding/birthday cakes, recipes, restaurant's like porn to me!! Whenever I go to a restaurant, I never need a menu because I have my meal picked out down the to the dessert and drinks.

It's a really sick obsession, but I've accepted it. I even changed my major to English so I could become a professional food critic. That was before I realized that I suck as an English major (don't ask me about past participles) and I suck at critiquing food (I usually have an orgasm and don't wanna be bothered by writing before I can even finish a meal). Anyway, I gave you the short version of my food obsession to mention this AMAZING website I discovered while reading the entries for a caption contest on Dlisted a few days ago: This is Why You're Fat

After looking through the pictures, I smacked myself for not having a camera handy to capture my reaction to each one. It would've been a kick ass reaction video. I watched it at work and needed to go wipe and smoke a cigarette when I was done. It was more exciting, arousing, and pleasurable than any sexual experience I've ever had. sorry guys.

wait a minute...does that revelation make me a loser???

Anyway, most of the stuff on this website is a heart attack deep fried in grease, sprinkled with powdered sugar, smothered in chocolate sauce and served on a platter made of broken glass for you to eat after shooting up 1329mg of heroin while sitting in the middle of the highway during rush hour on a Friday evening. I mostly get off to the pictures, but I'd try anything once.

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