Thursday, April 30, 2009

I'm being STALKED!!




I'm being STALKED!! As always, the stalker is gross. Hot guys never stalk anyone...and if they did, they'd lose their hot guy points and become gross...then we'd be back at square one; being stalked by a gross guy.

This all started one morning on the bus when I sat next to him because there were no other seats left. I don't think he understood the bus seating procedure. If there are no more seats, I'll sit where ever I have to! This is not some bar or lounge where I sat next to him because I thought he was attractive/interesting and I wanted to strike up a conversation.

I sat next to him and he was quiet for all of 2 seconds. The bus was hot so he opened his window. I'm not sure if he did it as an ice breaker or what, but he asked me if I had a problem with the window being open too much. As soon as he said that, his breath drop kicked me in the throat.



I couldn't understand why he'd even ask such a question seeing as how it was 90 degrees on the bus and he only cracked the window less than 2 inches. I just gave him a short "no", avoiding eye contact. Some people get the hint when I'm barely responsive and my face is void of even the slightest inkling of the desire to talk or be around other human beings. He didn't get the memo. He went on for about 3 minutes with this window crap which seems like a short time, but it's actually an eternity in the presence of breath that smells that bad. How bad did it smell?



well, say I had some expired eggs in the fridge and I decided to cook them and leave those cooked eggs on the stove for 3 weeks, at which point the dog jumped up on the stove and ate the eggs and upon realizing how bad they tasted, he barfed up the expired eggs that had been cooked, left out for 3 weeks, and possibly covered in mold and then took a massive, watery diarrhea-like poo on the barfed up eggs...then my stalker ate the eggs and washed them down with Amy Winehouse's bath water and then went 6 months without brushing his teeth.



During the entire bus ride, he bragged about being an RN (his Grey's Anatomy name would be McBreathSmellsLikeShit). He not only asked me out to dinner, but also spit on me! I hate when people spit while talking because I still don't know the correct response to that. Do you wipe the spit off in front of them? Do you make a 'say-it-don't-spray-it' joke? Do you act insulted? Do you just ignore it? Anyway, I think it's only human to say something if the person who spit on you by mistake has acid breath that melts your skin, but I didn't react to it. I was in shock!
It was the LONGEST bus ride ever and I just needed it to end.


Everyday since that bus ride, I've seen him on the bus. It's like he's watching me and getting on the bus at the same time. He always flags me down and says hi (excitedly) in an attempt to get me to sit next to him. Even when I was sitting on the opposite side of the bus, next to an open window, 3 seats behind him, I could STILL smell his fucking breath!!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Thank you for being a friend



Bea Arthur/Dorothy Zbornak/Maude, the epitome of wit and sarcasm, passed away today at the age of 86 from....well, when you're 86 does it really matter?
When I found out this afternoon (via twitter because that's how information is shared these days), I was just heartbroken! This news took a rather large dump on my day. I really thought her ornery ass would outlive us all!

I broke the news to my parents separately, and here's how it went:

me: ma, I have something to tell you. you better sit down.
mom: I hope it's a boy!! well you know the first born child is always a girl. we'll do green and purple for the baby shower since you hate pink.
me: *blank stare*
mom: ...and you better not give my grand child a ghetto name. I'm gonna send Zay [my younger sister] to live with her father because she's ungrateful and I'll turn her room into a nursery. you can't keep the baby at your apartment because you only have one room. My grand child needs her own room.
me: *eye roll* BEA ARTHUR IS DEAD!!!
mom: what? Bea Art...OMG...AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE! SHE DIED??

-------------------

me: hello?
Al (step dad): yea?
me: Bea Arthur died.
Al: *dramatically* OH GODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAUDE'S DEAD! I HAVE TO TELL MY MOTHER! you know she still watches that shit every night!
me: oh really?
Al: yep...was it cancer? I know she smoked.
me: yea
Al: I bet she was a hard ass in real life just like on the show.
me: yea she...USE A FUCKING SIGNAL AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING STOP SIGN YOU WORTHLESS PIECE --
Al: well, you sound busy so I'll let you go. we'll talk later.
me: yea I was trying to cross the street. talk to you later. bye.

My family, ladies and gentlemen.

Anyway, rest in peace Maude!

Friday, April 24, 2009

fung what? FUNG WAH!

My new obsession is Twitter. I'm gonna get my thoughts together and blog about this new phenomenon (that I swear didn't become a phenomenon until I got involved) in the near future. In the meantime, read about Twitter here.
Anyway, one of the people I'm following is hip hop's Noreaga....mostly because he's a hot mess and we all know how I feel hot messes. Also, he's OBSESSED with twitting (or tweeting...or twatting). This dude twitted (or tweeted...or twatted) through the birth of his son a couple of weeks ago (ehem on MY birthday), including his girlfriend's contractions, his confusion about the doctor fingering her, and how he smelled like weed in the waiting area...and that's just obnoxiously cool.


Today, in the midst of his cringe worthy grammar and misspelled twitting (or tweeting...or twatting) about waking up, smoking a blunt, drinking some tiger bone, jogging, and eating vegan foods, he mentioned a bus company up north called Fung Wah.



The answer:





Apparently, Nore's DJ had to catch the Fung Wah bus from NYC to Boston.
I'll admit, it's funny to say, but I have the sense of humor of an 8 year old boy.
Noreaga liked it so much that he decided to make it into slang.
So what's the definition of fung wah??



Brilliant!

Nore decided that we'd have Slang Fridays, although Slang Saturdays would've had a better ring to it, but really, who wants to be sitting at home twitting the new slang on a beautiful Saturday afternoon??



if you're still confused on how to use the new slang, here are some examples from Nore and his followers:

@noreaga I heard that was fung wah what happen wit the danity kane girls?

@DJJAZZYJOYCE when you find the remote and the batteries are dead and nobody want to go get new ones that fung wahhh

@I_NvesNme My boss is str8 Fung Wah for bouncin to Miami, while we stuck in the office! LoL

@noreaga When people don't answer they phone fungwahhhh!!!!

@noreaga When skinny people say they fat fung wah!!!!

and it can also be altered by saying/asking "what the fung wah!!!" (obviously, what the fuck)

got it????

I shall return on next Friday with Noreaga's slang of the day...but judging by his daily consumption of weed, I doubt he'll remember.

Monday, April 6, 2009

birthday wishes from hell




ok so I was twittering last night and started publicly venting about my ex Shanna Moakler style. One of my followers (who was probably secretly giving me the side eye and wishing I'd stop filling his screen with non-sense about how I wished my ex would have acid poured on him or maybe even become sterile) showed some interest in the dysfunction that was my relationship. After expressing that it was impossible for me to sum it all up in the mere 140-character limit for status messages, he suggested that I write a blog about it. Unfortunately the attention span of my readers is about as long as the penis on a contagious midget.
Did anyone else think of the Verne Troyer sex tape when I mentioned the penis on a contagious midget? no? only me?? okay.

Anyway, after receiving another slap-in-the-face birthday present from him this morning, I couldn't resist blogging about it.

This year he sent me a birthday card that referenced voting for Hillary Clinton.

**************BLANK STARE****************

One could only assume the card was from early 2008 (or possibly late 07) since Obama won the primaries in February of 08. It was also bent with food stains on the back. This is so freaky. I'm having a hardcore déjà vu right now, like he's done this before. Anyway, before I even opened the card, I knew what was in there: a Starbucks gift card.
Normally I'd be happy to receive a gift card for Starbucks (even though EVERYONE knows that I prefer Dunkin Donuts coffee to Starbucks because Starbucks has bitter and ridiculously priced products). I had to go into ungrateful bitch mode because this gift card was given to him by his mother like 2 years ago, and he's been trying to get rid of it. LAME!

Here's the icing on the cake. He wrote this in the card: This way, next time we sit in Starbucks, we won't be freeloaders.
Now while you're sitting there thinking "yea, and...?", I should note that him and I have NEVER been to Starbucks together.



even Al Bundy is shaking his head at this foolishness. I couldn't find the clip, but I'm talking about the episode where Kelly and Bud give Al his birthday gift and it's the exact same shirt and tie that he's wearing.