Monday, April 6, 2009

birthday wishes from hell

ok so I was twittering last night and started publicly venting about my ex Shanna Moakler style. One of my followers (who was probably secretly giving me the side eye and wishing I'd stop filling his screen with non-sense about how I wished my ex would have acid poured on him or maybe even become sterile) showed some interest in the dysfunction that was my relationship. After expressing that it was impossible for me to sum it all up in the mere 140-character limit for status messages, he suggested that I write a blog about it. Unfortunately the attention span of my readers is about as long as the penis on a contagious midget.
Did anyone else think of the Verne Troyer sex tape when I mentioned the penis on a contagious midget? no? only me?? okay.

Anyway, after receiving another slap-in-the-face birthday present from him this morning, I couldn't resist blogging about it.

This year he sent me a birthday card that referenced voting for Hillary Clinton.

**************BLANK STARE****************

One could only assume the card was from early 2008 (or possibly late 07) since Obama won the primaries in February of 08. It was also bent with food stains on the back. This is so freaky. I'm having a hardcore déjà vu right now, like he's done this before. Anyway, before I even opened the card, I knew what was in there: a Starbucks gift card.
Normally I'd be happy to receive a gift card for Starbucks (even though EVERYONE knows that I prefer Dunkin Donuts coffee to Starbucks because Starbucks has bitter and ridiculously priced products). I had to go into ungrateful bitch mode because this gift card was given to him by his mother like 2 years ago, and he's been trying to get rid of it. LAME!

Here's the icing on the cake. He wrote this in the card: This way, next time we sit in Starbucks, we won't be freeloaders.
Now while you're sitting there thinking "yea, and...?", I should note that him and I have NEVER been to Starbucks together.

even Al Bundy is shaking his head at this foolishness. I couldn't find the clip, but I'm talking about the episode where Kelly and Bud give Al his birthday gift and it's the exact same shirt and tie that he's wearing.

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