Thursday, April 30, 2009

I'm being STALKED!!

I'm being STALKED!! As always, the stalker is gross. Hot guys never stalk anyone...and if they did, they'd lose their hot guy points and become gross...then we'd be back at square one; being stalked by a gross guy.

This all started one morning on the bus when I sat next to him because there were no other seats left. I don't think he understood the bus seating procedure. If there are no more seats, I'll sit where ever I have to! This is not some bar or lounge where I sat next to him because I thought he was attractive/interesting and I wanted to strike up a conversation.

I sat next to him and he was quiet for all of 2 seconds. The bus was hot so he opened his window. I'm not sure if he did it as an ice breaker or what, but he asked me if I had a problem with the window being open too much. As soon as he said that, his breath drop kicked me in the throat.

I couldn't understand why he'd even ask such a question seeing as how it was 90 degrees on the bus and he only cracked the window less than 2 inches. I just gave him a short "no", avoiding eye contact. Some people get the hint when I'm barely responsive and my face is void of even the slightest inkling of the desire to talk or be around other human beings. He didn't get the memo. He went on for about 3 minutes with this window crap which seems like a short time, but it's actually an eternity in the presence of breath that smells that bad. How bad did it smell?

well, say I had some expired eggs in the fridge and I decided to cook them and leave those cooked eggs on the stove for 3 weeks, at which point the dog jumped up on the stove and ate the eggs and upon realizing how bad they tasted, he barfed up the expired eggs that had been cooked, left out for 3 weeks, and possibly covered in mold and then took a massive, watery diarrhea-like poo on the barfed up eggs...then my stalker ate the eggs and washed them down with Amy Winehouse's bath water and then went 6 months without brushing his teeth.

During the entire bus ride, he bragged about being an RN (his Grey's Anatomy name would be McBreathSmellsLikeShit). He not only asked me out to dinner, but also spit on me! I hate when people spit while talking because I still don't know the correct response to that. Do you wipe the spit off in front of them? Do you make a 'say-it-don't-spray-it' joke? Do you act insulted? Do you just ignore it? Anyway, I think it's only human to say something if the person who spit on you by mistake has acid breath that melts your skin, but I didn't react to it. I was in shock!
It was the LONGEST bus ride ever and I just needed it to end.

Everyday since that bus ride, I've seen him on the bus. It's like he's watching me and getting on the bus at the same time. He always flags me down and says hi (excitedly) in an attempt to get me to sit next to him. Even when I was sitting on the opposite side of the bus, next to an open window, 3 seats behind him, I could STILL smell his fucking breath!!

1 comment:

Nik said...

You are too funny, your way with words. Lmao. I will never eat eggs again...ugh that was really graphic. Yucky! Poor Frankie!