Monday, May 18, 2009

BLAH!!



I know I said there'd be more mom moments, but I really got bored with talking about her and all moms. They were super awesome in the beginning of the month when all those Mother's Day Baskin Robbins cake commercials were coming on.



but now it's kinda like eh....big deal.

In other news, I seriously hate blogging. It seemed like a good idea before I got the blog, but then once I started it, I was like BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
I guess I just like knowing that it's running in the background.

That is all.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

A Mother's Day let down



Today is Mother's Day so I went to spend it with mom and of course she blessed us with, yet another, mom moment. When I got there, she casually pulled out this scratch off that she got in 7-Eleven. Being the conspiracy theorist that she is, she explained that she only bought the scratch off because the 7-Eleven was a new store and because since she doesn't live in the ghetto, she was sure she'd win. *blank stare*

So she pulls this scratch off out and shows me that she won $100 because she scratched off 7 words.




After counting the words, I told her that she actually scratched off 10 words, meaning she won $5000!! After me and my sister fought over who's the favorite child, why we deserve a cut of the money, ass kissing, and double checking the dictionary, I decided to read the rules. She did, indeed, follow the rules BUT she scratched off letters that were not hers.



The yellow arrows point to 2 random letters not included in the 2 rows of 9 letters. She thought those were her letters. Needless to say, we were all very disappointed.

*sigh* only my mom...

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mom is SUCH a follower!



...and when I say follower, I'm not using social networking lingo.



Lately there have been a lot of news stories about people killing themselves and their families over the current economic crisis in America being broke and having a shit load of debt. Guess what? We ALL have financial hardships, but you don't see us decapitating our children!

Here's a recent phone conversation with mom:

me: hello?
mom: hi. Can you come over tomorrow at about 2pm?
me: sure, why?
mom: all these people who are in debt are killing their families, so I think I should do it too because I'm in debt.
me: *blank stare*

***dial tone***

The next day:

me:
hello?
mom: hi, do you remember what day I'm supposed to be killing the family?
me: you said today at 2pm
mom: I DID!? shit! I have something to do today. well, it's noon now, so I should be done by 2pm.
me: oh, but you have to come to Baskin Robbins with me today
mom: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT IN ME KILLING THE FAMILY!
me: but there's a special today: 31 cents per scoop of ice cream
mom: oh really?
me: yea, but it's only from 5-10pm
mom: hey did you go and get 50 cent iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts yesterday?
me: no, I was rushing to my hair appointment after work
mom: oh, since Quill is my honorary son, he should also come today.
me: he has to get a hair cut
mom: AT 2PM!?
me: no, his hair cut is at 6pm
mom: well, he needs to be here....and what about your sister? did you tell her?
me: no, I assumed you did. she was off today, but she picked up an extra shift
mom: maybe we could just go to her job and do it
me: maybe.
mom: okay, well I'll see you later. make sure you shower and wear clean underwear.
me: okay, bye.

Only my mom would schedule a family slaying, include her honorary son, and remind me to wear clean underwear...y'know, for when I'm at the hospital. how sweet!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Mom Moments: The Twitterers



I know that I said today's mom moment would be about her plot to kill the family, but I must blog about the events that took place yesterday.
Me and mom have this Thursday evening ritual of getting food from Chipotle. Yesterday was such a nice day so we decided to eat on her porch, southern style with sweet tea.
I loveeeee mom's sweet tea. It's the epitome of southern life. I decided to twitpic this moment:



We sat on the porch (or stoop, if you will) eating when my mom started asking about "that twitter stuff". I was trying to explain it to her, but it's kinda hard teaching old people new technology. Just last week she called me in hysterics because her computer had a virus:

Mom: I THINK MY COMPUTER HAS VIRUSES!!
Me: yea, I noticed that last night when I was there.
Mom: it keeps saying something about trojans. I guess the virus came from that website. I don't go to no condom websites! it must've been Zay! [my 16 year old sister]
Me: *blank stare*
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
*****dial tone*****

Anyway, as I was explaining twitter to her for about an hour, a direct message from one of my followers (that I don't know) came to my phone.

Follower: Is that the corner of ****** and ***** ?
Me: yes, are you watching me? lol
Follower: No, but I live on that corner and I just looked out of my window.



At this point, I was feeling like I was in the movie Scream. I told mom what was going on and she immediately freaked out and started asking questions. She dubbed my followeR (singular) "The Twitterers", so her questions ranged from "Are The Twitterers watching us right now!?" to "Do you think that cop car could be The Twitterers!?!"



Her suspects were:

-cop car with bright headlights
-pizza delivery woman on bike
-her upstairs neighbor
-the guy who parked his car on the corner, got out to smell the roses and then got back in his car
-the group of college students sitting on their porch
-her landlord
-my co-worker
-the couple walking their dog who came over to say hi to her dog

Any and everyone who drove/walked by was a suspect. It was so hilarious to see her freak out over this. She called everyone in her phone book to tell them about The Twitterers.

My mom is a paranoid schizophrenic/conspiracy theorist with little to no knowledge about social networking and an obsession with Law & Order-CSI-type shows, so you can image the types of thoughts she had running through her mind. The best part was that she verbalized each thought in a non-whisper (she's one of those people who thinks she's whispering when she's not) while I laughed hysterically. I suppose she forgot that we live in Smalltimore where EVERYONE knows EVERYONE!

For shits and giggles, I kept telling her that The Twitterers told me they were watching us and described what we were wearing and doing.



Tomorrow's mom moment will definitely be about her plot to kill the family.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it." — Chinese Proverbs



Mother's Day is during this month, and although I'm a week late, I've decided that a way to make sure I update this blog daily is to post MOM stuff every day. Why? Because moms are cool. Even the mom who allowed her snotty 6 year old to comment on how big my granny panties were in the line at Walmart.



The mom wasn't amused when I told her daughter that some day she'd menstruate and be forced to wear granny panties on her heavy flow days...or maybe she'd suffer a break up and just want to be alone in her apartment wearing chocolate brown velour pants with bleach stains at the bottom, eating popcorn and watching Lifetime movies. There's really no point in wearing a sexy bikini cut or wedgie inducing thong at that point!

Most of the mom moments will probably come from my mother. She wears many hats and has many names. My favorite name for her is The Mega Bitch. She's a bitch and proud. She's also ditzy, funny, loud, obnoxious, sweet, lovable, evil, selfish, selfless, annoying, humble--so many personalities in that crazy head of hers. She's definitely my mom.

I'll start with one of my moms favorite quotes:



I went to her house last night for dinner. She was watching CSI and forgot about the turkey wings in the oven. Yes, that's an actual picture of the turkey wings from last night. I cannot tell you how many times she has forgotten about her food in the oven. She has been known to start cooking and then watch tv, go out shopping, shower, and yes, she has even left town while food was cooking. If her quote is true, I should look like Halle Berry right now.






And I don't.

Tomorrow's mom moment: Her plot to kill the family.

Friday, May 1, 2009

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 3

Tattoos are COOL!



I really love tattoos, like A LOT! I've had a fascination with them since forever, and as a kid, I would imagine all the tattoos I wanted to cover my body with. Of course I have to be more realistic now that I'm an adult. My superiors at work Old people (in general) already frown upon the 3 tattoos that I have. If it was up to me, my body would be covered in tattoos with everything from random animals to quotes in German to tatted tracings of squiggly lines drawn on my body by my friends. I don't understand why I'm obsessed with them. I can't justify it, so I won't try.

Lately, I've seen some pretty awesome tattoos. I was posting them on twitter, but then I remembered that I had a blog to share them with you all....yep, all 4 of you who read my blog. Some of these tattoos are random, sad, funny, creative, or whatever descriptive word you'd like to use. They all have one thing in common: they got my attention. If I've posted a pic of your tattoo, your art, or your cousin's baby mama's neighbor's ex husband's co-worker's son's classmate's step father's mistress's hair colorists' niece's tattoo, I'm sorry. That's what happens when you put photos of yourself on the internets. I will, however, give you props in my blog or tell the story about why you have a staple remover tattooed on your calf muscle. K? thanks!

My brother has some kick ass tattoos! He's just all around awesome and will pretty much get anything tatted on him. His latest, done by his boy JD (if you're ever in the Dallas area), is from one of everyone's favorite childhood books Where the Wild Things Are:



My absolute favorite tattoo that he has is a self portrait from when he was about 4 years old:





and, of course, the classic Bettie Page:



**UPDATE**

My tattoos are actually quite lame compared to some other tattoos I've seen...
(like this)



but here it goes...

First tattoo: this is on my ankle. I got this when I was 18. without getting too technical, it means positive energy. it hurt the most because I have no meat on my ankles.



#2: this one gets a lot of attention and any salsero/a who sees it doesn't really need an explanation. I love salsa and the queen of salsa is Celia Cruz. her catch phrase was "azucar" which means sugar in Spanish. one day she was ordering coffee and the waiter asked if she wanted sugar in her coffee. that's the stupidest question anyone could ever ask. the bizarrity of the question prompted Celia to tell her fans the story of the waiter who asked if she wanted sugar in her coffee right before her performances. After awhile, she dropped the story and just simply shouted "AZUCAR" before/during her performances. After she died, I got this tattoo. The music notes were supposed to be an arm band, but the tattoo artist didn't recommend it.



3rd tattoo: I got this one in Miami. I had no plans to get a tattoo while I was there. I met Marc Anthony for the first time, fainted, and upon waking up, I handed him a sharpie and told him to draw a heart on my arm. I just had the tattoo artist trace it. His signature heart is very odd looking so I love it.
(I got into a fight with my curling iron and got burned 2 weeks ago so disregard the scar)