Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I was conversing with one of my followers on Twitter about how he wishes he had a urinal in his apartment when I started thinking of all the things I wish I had that I could NEVER have:
1. A Pissistant.
This is a person I'd hire to use the bathroom for me. I HATE using the bathroom. I've always hated it...which explains why I wasn't fully potty trained until I was about 7 years old (don't judge me). My mom used to make me sit in the bathroom on the toilet until I learned not to piss on myself. Don't misunderstand me, I am NOT into golden showers or anything of that nature. I just used to hold it until I couldn't hold it anymore. Even now, I hold it until the very last minute, but I'm better at figuring out when that last minute is versus pissing on myself. I hate the process of taking my clothes off only to put them back on. That's like making up the bed to get back in it. I hate being in such a small space. I HATE BATHROOMS!
2. A Micro Pet.
There are micro dogs out there, but even those are too freakin big for me. I wish my cats could stay kittens forever. The latest craze is micro pigs. I'd LOVE a micro pig if they only stayed tiny and cute, but those things get up to 65 pounds! How the fuck is that MICRO? That's like calling a 10 year old child a micro adult. Besides, I think my pet pig would have issues with my daily consumption of bacon.
3. Zach Slater.
"Who doesn't love Zach Slater? He's hot, dangerous, romantic, protective. Basically, he's like your dream guy but with enough of an edge that he's not too goody-goody. And he does stubble and clean shaven well, which is not easy." - Jesse Murray
Zach Slater is a character on All My Children. He's damaged, iced cold, and puts up a wall to protect himself, but he also protects his family. He's gorgeous. He's brave. He's rich. I don't have faith in marriage, and I don't want kids, but if Zach Slater jumped out of my TV screen and said he'd marry me, I'd be out getting fitted for dresses before he could even get off his knees. My crush on him is so serious that I HATE his TV wife. Remember the scene from Low Down Dirty Shame where Peaches punched the guy from the soap opera? Yea, that would be me punching Zach Slater's cheating whore TV wife if I ever saw her in person.
I've included a video of Zach and I laughed, cried and swooned watching/searching for clips of him for 3 hours *sigh*
4. The Return of Six Degrees.
Six Degrees was a show on ABC about six people in NYC who were all somehow connected without knowing it. It's kinda hard to explain how trippy this show was, but I absolutely loved it. It came out in September of 2006, a couple of weeks after I moved back to Baltimore from NYC. I was all depressed because I wanted to be back in NYC. All I would do is lay in bed and cry for hours and hours every day...except on Wednesdays at 8pm when this show came on. Aside from looking at the ever-so-dreamy Jay Hernandez, I loved seeing the New York City scenery, people, yellow cabs, coffee shops, traffic, tourists, street vendors, high fashion, etc.
For an hour out of my miserable week, I felt comforted by this show. I was home again during a time when I couldn't afford to travel back and forth to NYC. ABC canceled Six Degrees during the writer's strike. It was pretty devastating.
5. Fania All-Stars in Africa Concert Ticket.
I'm a huge Fania All-Stars fan. I grew up listening to their music and to this day, seeing videos of their performances gives me goosebumps on top of goosebumps. My parents didn't even know each other in 1973, so I definitely wasn't alive when this concert took place. I chose the concert in Africa because the unlying rhythm in salsa originates in Africa, so that concert was kinda like bringing salsa home. To see other people of African descent, who don't speak Spanish, singing along to the lyrics with Lavoe, Celia Cruz, Cheo Feliciano, etc. is just amazing to me. I have the DVD and the energy is so powerful. I can only imagine what it would've been like to be there. Most of the musicians have, since, died, so I can only attend their concerts via youtube.
6. ***BONUS*** Itis-Blocker.
This list was supposed to only have five things on it, but I had to add number six after talking to Sir Bloggington about a cure for the itis. I said that I wish there was a way to stop the itis that hit me after eating a chicken bacon ranch sub with snicker doodle cookies for lunch. He said it could be crystallized (like salt) and put on food before eating it. PURE GENIUS! If anyone invents this, I want my 10% and a lifetime supply of it! Maybe I'll just move to a country where I can have a siesta after lunch.
What non-existent things do YOU wish for?