Wednesday, December 16, 2009

All I Want for Christmas...

I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit lately. I'm not depressed or incredibly broke like past years. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's this warm weather (I've had my AC on twice this week).Usually by the second week in December, my Christmas list has been printed out, laminated and posted on the refrigerators of all of my friends and family members along with a dry erase marker for them to make notes. This year, whenever someone asks me what I want for Christmas, I just shrug and say "well, you don't really have to get me anything this year. We're in a recession."
This response has left my family and friends flabbergasted. FRANKIE NOT WANTING GIFTS?! What kinda fuckery is THAT?! Everyone knows I love Christmas and I adore and receiving (but mostly giving because I give some pretty kick ass gifts, thank you very much). I sure as hell haven't outgrown my desire to receive gifts. I just don't know what I want....okay, I'm lying. I DO know what I want, but I'm afraid to tell anyone that I want a vibrator for Christmas.

I'm no stranger to discussing TMI topics, but I'm disturbed by the idea of asking someone to purchase a sex toy for me for Christmas! At some point, you just have to draw the line! What would our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ think of this???

BUTTTT this isn't just ANY vibrator!! It's an OhMiBOD vibrator that, according to Eden's Fantasys, gives you the ability to listen and get off to your favorite music, while it's pulsing inside of you.

YES! IT VIBRATES TO THE RHYTHM OF YOUR MUSIC!!! How awesome is that?! I love music! I love vibrators (proud owner of four), and I love masturbation! This is the PERFECT gift for me!

THIS is the one that I want. It's the sister version (or IMPROVED version if you ask me) to the regular OhMiBod vibrator. Honestly, I could use either one, but they're the same price so why not go all out and get the Gspot edition?!

Anyway, I've not built up the guts to request this gift from my mom, so I'll continue to go through this holiday season telling folks not to worry about a gift for me (while secretly hoping they stumble upon this blog entry) and just accept, yet another, pair of bargain bin/irregular pajamas purchased at Conway.

Please go over to read a HILARIOUS review of one of the OhMiBod products.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lifecall Moments: JHo Update

Although I hate this mascara stealing bitch (ask me about that later), I must admit that The Black Widow's attempt to undo the embarrassment of falling was quite hilarious. KUDOS JHO!

(watch the whole clip)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 4

I hate dislike children...A LOT. I don't have kids. I don't want kids. I'm sure your children are wonderful, and I'll smile at them and click "like" on Facebook photos of them while commenting that they are "simply adorable", but let them be "simply adorable" in YOUR house, not mine. k? thanks.

Anyway, although I don't want any parasi--um I mean "children", I MUST post this video that I cannot stop watching. I've been watching it for the past 2 days. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. This kid *ALMOST* makes me wanna go out and get one. Like, if they were selling him at the local Today's Pet Shop, I would totally consider inquiring about the cost.

This video has over 400,000 views and I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for 84% of that. I cannot stop watching it! I scream every time I see this little bundle of joy.

Give Me a Fucking Break!

Standing on the bus stop with my white chocolate caramel latte (OH YEAHHHHHHHH ala Kool-Aid man) and there was a tap on my right I turned to my right...nobody there. Tap on my left shoulder so I turned to my left and got PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY ASS BREATH! OOOOOOOOH THAT BREATH IS VICIOUS!! Today's conversation:

Him: Hey Miss Pretty.
Me: (same dry tone as always) Hi *texting on my phone, not making eye contact*
Him: Another long day at work....
Me: *raises brows without looking up* yep.
Him: Last night was crazy...
Me: mmm.
Him: well, you take care. hea'?
Me: k.
Him: Have a good day...even though you treat me bad.
Me: *nod*
Him: ...even though you won't let me take you out.
Me: heh <---dry laugh
Him: ok pretty, have a good day.
Me: k.

Did I mention that he was poking me in the arm like that annoying high school classmate who constantly pokes you on facebook? This being nice shit is gonna wear thin.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Remember my stalker?? If you don't, please refresh your memory by reading about him.

I was already in a pissy mood this morning because I woke up at 2am and STILL managed to leave out late for work...even though I didn't have to leave til 7:30am. I walked to the bus stop and it was shut down because of the ENDLESS construction downtown.

SIDE BAR: What the fuck are they "constructing"? Every time I turn around, there's a detour because the roads are blocked off. There are more traffic cones and drums than rats downtown (and that's A LOT). Meanwhile, NOTHING is being fixed and this city still looks like shit. What are you attempting to fix it up for? Nobody comes to Baltimore!

I had to walk three blocks to the next bus stop. I got on the bus and was standing (which is always annoying because it's kinda hard to text, adjust your music and balance yourself while the bus is going uphill and making sharp turns). After a few blocks, two seats freed up. I had to choose between the guy with his head down (obviously sleeping which meant he'd probably end up with his head on my shoulder or left tit) or the guy whose ass took up half of the spare seat next to him. I opted for the sleeping guy. Before I could even inhale, I got a whiff of his breath and he opened his eyes and said "WELL HELLO STRANGER!"

Note to self: make an appointment to have your fucked up ass vision checked so you'll notice stalkers a mile away!

If I had ANY idea it was him, I would've gotten off of the bus before he even noticed me. Our conversation went like this:
(he was loud and excited, I was expressionless and dry)

Him: You're always ignoring me when I'm trying to get your attention.
Me: I always wear earphones so I don't notice.
Him: I saw you on campus the other d--
Me: I was wearing earphones.
Him: oh.


Him: I had to work at your campus the other day filling in as a teacher for a friend.
Me: *silence*

Him: *tapping me* I had to work at your campus the other --
Me: huh? what? *adjusts volume on earphones* what?
Him: oh, I was just saying I had to work at your campus the other day filling in as a teacher for a friend.
Me: oh *turns volume up louder*
Me: *turns music OFF* what?
Him: you said, working on the campus is something else.
Me: *trying to remember when the fuck I said that* uh huh
Him: so how have you been?
Me: good.
Him: how's work?
Me: can't complain.
Him: all the talk on campus is about the new president.
Me: I guess...
Him: so whatchu think of him?
Me: I haven't heard much.

***SILENCE*** I attempted to put my music back on.....BUT NOOOOOOO!

Him: You got a long day ahead of you.
Me: um not really.
Him: I'm working a 20 hour shift.
Me: wow.
Him: yep...we got some crazy people in there yesterday.
Me: mmk.
Him: one lady was so drunk...blah blah blah... *insert corny joke about lighting a match near her breath*
Me: oh.
Him: blah blah blah... she had a blood alcohol level of blah blah blah...
Me: hmm... wow.
Him: and she kept asking us if she could leave on her broomstick. she was attacking the guards with the broomstick. blah blah blah full moon.
Me: crazy.
Him: blah blah blah drug test....blah blah cocaine.
Me: really.
Him: blah blah blah other guy said... blah blah last Thursday blah blah blah shoes in the closet...blah
Me: jeez.

The entire time I was avoiding eye contact while staring into space praying that when I looked out the window, I would be really close to my stop to get off. He just kept talking and spewing that disgusting skid mark breath of his. I was trying to hold my breath so I wouldn't inhale the pollution of his breath. I looked up and the bus had only moved like 3 blocks. I contemplated getting off early and taking a cab, walking or waiting for the next bus. The problem was that he knew which stop I was supposed to get off at.

He felt the need to remind me of his position at his job and mention something about being a supervisor. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! That shit will NEVER impress me. Why don't you use your big pay check to buy a giant turbo toothbrush and a gallon of bleach-infused Listerine and let them swing dance in your shitty mouth!

This lasted the entire bus ride...even through the 20 minutes we sat in traffic thanks to a car accident. Truth be told, I would have rather been in the accident...and you people know I have a car phobia.

FINALLY as I was leaving the bus, he tried to rub my arm and tell me that I'm always dismissing him. YEA FOOL, GET A FUCKING CLUE!

Monday, December 7, 2009

And the Mother of the Year Award Goes to....

A couple of notes to keep in mind:

- To save money, instead of buying expensive ($10-$14) cocktails, I usually put rum inside of a water bottle and make my own drinks when I go out.

- I keep bottled water in my fridge for my cats.

The other day while I was packing my stuff in a rush to go to NYC, I poured some rum into a water bottle to take with me. I planned on going to SOBs where the drinks are overpriced (based on my Maryland pay check). In my rush, I left the rum (inside of the water bottle) on the counter. I didn't think anything of it because I never made it to the club, and I was surrounded by alcohol during my stay in NYC anyway. I got back home (3 days later) and tidied up my apartment...which included putting the "water" in the fridge.

Fast forward a couple of days, I was on my hands and knees cleaning up cat vomit from my carpet. I just figured one of them got sick from eating paper. Nena (the girl cat) eats paper when I don't feed her when she wants to be fed. Fuckin savage!
Anyway, the cats were laid up. Normally they follow me around the house. When I shower, they watch. When I sleep, they sniff me. When I sit down to tinkle, they sit on my lap. They were in serious chill mode though.

I didn't think anything of their behavior until I went to make myself a Cuba Libre. I grabbed the bottle of rum and it was empty. EMPTY!? Then everything started coming back to me in those flashbacks they show on soap operas or in a suspense movie when the mystery is about to be solved.

I gave my poor babies RUM instead of water!! At first I felt sorry for them until I realized they licked the bowl dry. The vomit and lounging around...SIGNS OF A HANGOVER! No need to call PETA. My mom has them on speed dial.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Lifecall Moments: Lady Gaga

Brought to you by Lady Gaga...

TWO IN ONE!! She wasn't even smooth with it! Beyonce and JHo could teach her a thing or two. Still love her!