Thursday, November 18, 2010

Blog Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name.




I came up with some pretty creative blog names.....only to find out they were already taken. This blog name just came to me one day. I've never been a fan of writing just for the sake of writing. I don't keep a private journal. I love having people read everything I write (except to-do lists), so I like to think of myself as an exhibitionist when it comes to my writing. It's 2010. Nobody physically writes anything with pen and paper. We type/text. Texthibitionism was born! Obviously, great minds think alike because if you type "texthibitionist" into google, you'll see a few websites that mention it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Friday Fuckery

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Life Call Moments:Kid Cudi

I haven't been this fucked up in a long time...actually, in 206 days. Remember my birthday party, Nightfall? ....cuz I don't lmao
Anyway, here's Kid Cudi who has fallen and can't get up...

Monday, November 1, 2010

PLEASE Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em!

Mc Hammer has given life to this cold Monday morning by baptizing a chubby Jay-Z in a music video.



First of all - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Secondly - Where did this high level of self importance come from? Don't let the IRS see yo ass talking on a cell, lookin at 3D shit on your laptop...and is that a suit?

You gotta love how life-like the devil looks. What, exactly, is he the king of??? Stanley, sitcho clown ass down!!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010

HOLY SHIT!



1) Why did the other lady just stand there before CASUALLY WALKING over to the other chick and asking if she was okay?

2) Did she just tell that chick to keep going? HELL FUCKIN NO!

3) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

Friday Fuckery: Ciara aint the only one riding it

Everyone has seen Ciara's Ride video. The video is hot. I'm not insecure, but I do have my boyfriend trained to change the channel when that video comes on LMAO

Anyway, this video has earned Ciara a few of those fans who usually recreate Beyonce videos in their bedrooms in front of a camera for youtube.

The Friday Fuckery was originally gonna be >THIS< video, but that is really disgusting and pedo-esque. So today I bring you Tyrone Jones! Say what you want, but I can't drop and pick my self off the floor like that!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday Fuckery: eHow to Write a Text Message Booty Call




For those who have been living under a rock (or didn't own a computer) for the past 11 years, eHow is a website that gives step by step instructions on how to do just about anything from boiling water to planning a wedding at the Statue of Liberty. I've used it for hundreds of things. I was reading my favorite hood news website today when I read that eHow had a how-to guide for writing a booty text message. You can read it >>HERE<<


Tips and warnings are always included with the instructions on this website. The warning for sending a booty text message was: Always practice safe sex. Having a booty call, multiple sex partners or engaging in casual sex can be unsafe. Always take steps to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases by using condoms and other forms of birth control.

Gotta love it!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Friday Fuckery: Mad Mel

Unless you've been living under a deep freezer in somebody's basement for the past 2 months, I'm sure you've heard ALLLLL about the fuckery that ended Mel Gibson's career. I won't go into detail about how I rubbed my anal beads together while praying to the fuckery Gods for more of those crazy phone calls to go public so I'd have daily entertainment and new ring tones. I just thought I'd share this hilarious video between Mad Mel and the Old Spice dude!

Friday Fuckery: His 15 Minutes Are NOT Up!


Antoine Dodson is turning his 15 minutes of fame into a full half hour, and I'm loving every minute of it. I've been meaning to add the Mel Gibson rants to the Friday Fuckery list, but everyone is like "Mel Gibson WHO?!"
I bet Alicia Keys and Tiny are both side-eyeing Antoine. He's sucking up their big moments. OH WELLLLLLLLLLL!!

Mr. Dodson now has a website, youtube channel, facebook fan page and twitter. These are ALL official! Please let BET give him a reality show!! LAWD HAMMERCY he is doing Meet & Greets and elegantly signing autographs with those nails perfectly chiseled by Korean angels sent from heaven....GIVE ME LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!! *FAINTS*

Monday, August 2, 2010

He's backkkkkkkkk!!

Follow up interview with Antoine Dodson from the hot mess I posted on Friday!



Antoine is gonna beat his ass and then call the police while he's beating his ass!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Friday Fuckery: Antoine Dodson



How did these news reporters keep straight faces?! I really need for Antoine to get his own reality show, youtube channel or SOMETHING NOW!!!!! I need his fuckery in my life DAILY!!!

BONUS!!

Check out the 1:10 mark on this video for Antoine's description of the intruder!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Meeting John Waters: Part 2

Read Part 1 HERE!

"The three places you can get away with wearing a CUNT necklace is to a Madonna concert, a drag/gay club, and when meeting John Waters."




This is my infamous cunt necklace....

I just KNEW that I had to wear it to John's book signing. After all, Madonna taught me the word 'cunt', but Pink Flamingos embedded it into my vocabulary. As I was nervously getting dressed for my meet & greet with Mr. Waters, I was internally freaking out. The last book signing I went to was Kimora Lee's book signing. She was disgustingly rude to me and my admiration turned into HATE.



Kimora was disposable, but not John Waters. If he was rude to me at his book signing, I'd DIE!!! I liked Kimora for all of 3 minutes, but John Waters meant way too much to me. Did I wanna risk getting dissed by him? HELL NO! I decided not to go.

BUT HOW COULD I NOT GO??????? It was a risk I was gonna have to take.

I got my mom to go with me. She's a huge enabler in my fuckery. She's actually met Johnny Boy before so she calmed my nerves by telling me he was down to earth.

We got to the book store about 40 minutes before the signing. The line had less than 20 people in it. Thank God we got there when we did because the line ended up wrapping around the block. We stood with line with this awesome guy who starred as an extra in some of John Waters' movies. He had tons of stories to tell, and he even told me I should get into acting because I had the face for it..................................................





After what felt like forever, the line started moving. No CPT!! It was a really rushed process because there were so many people. You walked in, purchased the book and/or poster & post cards, then moved along to the next line. Once in line, you hand John whatever you wanted him to sign, spell your name out, say something witty, brown nose, or whatever, then pose to have your picture taken.

My mom (in true Cathy fashion) embarrassed me from the minute we stepped in the door.



As soon as we walked in she started browsing the bookstore....even though the store was closed for the day for this event. My mom was acting like a 6 year old hood child named Day-Day! "OOOOHHH look at this!", "hey take a pic of that!!"
Uh no mom! I'm here for this event and we can come back at another time to browse the store!
You had to be fast and smooth because the people behind you were eager to get their turn. The chicks behind me were stepping on my heels like John Waters said "ok at 7:23pm, I'm leaving whether I've seen everyone or not!"

I purchased a post card, book and poster. My mom just got a post card. I was the next person in line and I was practicing my breathing exercises. I'm not one to get starstruck over random people, but this was John Waters. I knew of him long before I became a fan of Marc Anthony, and I fainted when I met Marc. The minute I got to the front of the line, John's assistant-type-person (I'm assuming) recognized me from a tweet about my cunt necklace. Out of no where, my mom screams "OH MY GOD!! YOU'RE A CELEBRITY IN HERE!!" Really mom? Because some dude read a tweet? Yeah. Okay............................................



I spelled my name out for John, but I was so nervous I thought I misspelled it. I was kinda put off by him asking me to spell Frankie. Maybe it's because of bitches with names like Tiphany, Danyelle, and Charleigh (yes!!!). He signed the book, poster and post card. After that, it was time to pose for my picture. John did his signature pose and I kneeled (knelt?) down beside him, and told my mom to be SURE to avoid capturing my double-chins in the camera.



Everyone in the store laughed. John laughed and made a joke about using photo editing software. [REWIND]We stood in line outside for about 40 minutes and in that time, I was giving my mom tutorials on using my camera so she wouldn't screw up. [FAST FORWARD] So we're ready to take the pic and MOM CAN'T WORK THE CAMERA!! She's saying the flash isn't coming on. She doesn't know what button to push. She doesn't know how to zoom in!! The ants-in-their-pants teeny boppers behind us in line are sighing. The whole room is silent waiting for her to snap the pic. ALL EYES ON US! I swear when other people were meeting John Waters, the store was playing music, people were talking amongst themselves, the lights were dim, and the atmosphere was nothing short of a night club. Suddenly when it was time for ME to have my moment with John, the lights were on (spotlight on me) like we were filming a reality show, and you could hear a feather drop....ON CARPET!! I felt like I was in court! Random people began shouting out "it's the big button on the left hand side of the top of the camera!" "Lift the flash!" "Is that an SLR?" "Make sure it's on auto!" UMMMM... When did everyone become the expert on using MY camera?? FINALLY one of the chicks behind us in line offered to take the pic for me.



Then it was mom's turn to have her picture taken. I handled the camera this time. She wanted a pic with my camera AND with her blackberry that I don't really know how to work. This prompted the crowd to sigh and do an eye-roll in unison.



As we were walking out of the store passed people in line outside patiently waiting for their turn with the legendary film maker, people started requested photos of me in my cunt necklace and autographed book. It was a GREAT experience!

Check me out on BaltimoreBrew.com and I was also in the local newspaper (b)....TWICE!!






...and believe you me, I have PLENTLY of copies =)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday Fuckery: REALLY, Sears????





The "Brief Safe" is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Meeting John Waters...



On Wednesday morning (a couple of Wednesdays since I made this draft), while browsing the b paper, I saw an ad that said John Waters would be doing a book signing for his new book Role Models at Atomic Books on Saturday. I made the sound one makes when finding out that Best Buy is having a Black Friday sale with 32 flat screen TVs for $99.

I HAD TO GO!! It was the ONE weekend I'd be in Baltimore. It was John FUCKING Waters, the Ambassador of Anal, the Prince of Puke, the King of Sleaze, the Duke of Dirt, the Pope of Trash....if you're not from Baltimore and you don't know who he is, FIND OUT! If you ARE from Baltimore and you don't know who he is, SHAME ON YOU!! He's one of those people that you either love or you hate. My parents raised me on his fuckery. Hey, I never said that they were Parents of the Year nominees. Before I was a teenager, I had seen the majority of his movies and I was a huge fan. His movies made me embrace the dysfunction of my upbringing.



There was only ONE problem: the cost of the book was $25 and my funds were limited -- NO, my funds were completely drained to the point where I was on a ramen noodles diet...trying out as many recipes as I could think of from cheesey ramen to orange chicken jailhouse ramen. No matter how many different recipes you come up with, it all becomes gag-worthy after awhile.



When things were beginning to look hopeless, I reached out to my Twitter followers for suggestions on how to earn some quick cash. I got the BEST idea from Traylove19:



I knew my new-found Boobs for Bucks business would get protests from my boyfriend. Obviously I own the rights to distribute photos of my tatas to whomever I please, but no self respecting girlfriend does that. Even if I was single, I'd like to think my lovely lady lumps are worth more than $1 anyway. Traylove's idea gave me another idea: simply asking for donations!

I set up a ChipIn account and started asking my followers on twitter to donate. I needed $25 in THREE DAYS! JessAnn got the ball rolling with a whopping 10 cent donation, followed by a 1 cent donation here and a 69 cent donation there. That was cute, but side-eye worthy. At least throw in a dollar you cheap bastards! FINALLY GorillaMonk showed these people how donating is done by giving me TWENTY dollars. Meanwhile, I had pervs sending me messages about how much nipple action they could get for $3. Uh thanks, but no thanks. JodyGFacts couldn't let GorillaMonk get all the praise so he matched his gift by also donating $20!! I had $41.99 in just hours! It was enough to get the book autographed, re-up on more ramen noodles, AND do laundry! No more hand washing my clothes in the sink with Palmolive!



to be continued...

Oh GOD I haven't blogged in AGES! Surely there have been plenty of opportunities to blog. Seriously, I'm on the internet about 15 hours a day. I've definitely had MANY things to blog about...like my Mexican birthday celebration in NYC where I did shots with Reese and NightFall and woke up the next morning face-down in a plate of pancakes at some diner. Hey, at least I didn't wake up face-down in my own vomit in a stranger's bed.....again.

I could blog about how being in a relationship is the biggest cock blocker. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR?! Yes, I am in a relationship. I'm sorry I didn't send out memos on rose pink pearlescent metallic cardstock announcing my relationship to the world, but I'm having a hard time believing it myself. Aside from falling into the toilet when I take my 3am piss (he never puts the seat down), things are going well.



Another missed blog opportunity was the time I hung out with blogger extraordinaire Shannon Cason. Follow his blog and if you don't LOL at least once, I'll make you a tuna sandwich. I wish we had more time to hang. It was one of those random "oh hey you're in Manhattan? well, so am I! Let's go grab a drink!" kinda things. If I wasn't working on 3 hours of sleep while carrying around a big ass duffle bag, we woulda been on fire in the city. We MUST hang again! We didn't even get a picture together!

So that's been my deal for the past couple of months.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

What's the deal with.....



...BLACKBERRY SNOBS?!




Blackberry owners annoy me terribly for MANY reasons, but the biggest reason is that they NEVER refer to their phone as a PHONE! You never hear someone who has a blackberry say, "damn, I lost my phone." It's always, "damn, I lost my blackberry." It's a goddamn PHONE so start calling it a PHONE! They defend this by saying *in a snotty blackberry owner's voice* "a blackberry is not a phone". Can you make/receive phone calls on it? Yea, IT'S A PHONE!! Some dude attached his business card to something he sent in my office. It said:

Brian Panagopoulos
123 Sesame Street
New York, NY 10023

Home: 718-555-6969
Office: 718-555-3312
Blackberry: 646-555-0123
E-mail: BrianP@gmail.com


Wait, WHAT?? BLACKBERRY? I swear if he was standing in front of my face, I woulda gave his simple ass a paper cut with that damn business card!! GET OUTTA MY FACE!!!

(say somethin' NightFall! I DARE YOU!)

...AUTOMATIC DOORS?! They ALL have this stupid sign:




I'm a pretty fast walker, but even if I was going at a non-New Yorker's speed, it would still be too fast. You actually need to STOP (not keep moving) and allow the ALWAYS delayed doors to open before exiting. Am I the only one who's ever noticed this? Can we sign a petition and send it to Horton Automatics?


...THE RETURN OF LA GEAR'S?!

I've seen Reebok Classic's in sneaker stores. They're always bringing back Nike's from the 90s like Airmax, so why can't LA Gear's make a return?! I swear if I found an old pair in my size (I've looked lol), I would totally wear them!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Lil Elian Grew Up!

Remember Elian Gonzalez??



Well, he grew the hell up! He's 16 years old now! Damn, time flies and I'm feeling old as hell!! In two years, ima take a trip to Cuba. OWWWW!!!



Monday, April 5, 2010

Cranky Frankie: Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son!

I feel like I'm being punished for eating anything that isn't a salad with a glass of water on the side....and I'm not talking about the punishment of getting on the scale every morning and not being happy with the results due to my eating habits. I'm talking about the ITIS!!!!! I just don't understand why it exists and why there's no cure for it. Sometimes I avoid food when I know I can't marinate in the itis. Sometimes I'm so hungry that I'm thinking to myself "ok I have a lot of energy right now. I got some good sleep last night. The sun is shining. I can eat this chicken bacon ranch sub from Subway be and okay. I can beat the itis today"

....then BAM, I get slapped in the face by a food coma.




The other day, it was so bad that I was googling cures for the itis. The internet has everything else from whether or not a lady bug can kill you to the movie script from Mannequin so maybe they'd have a cure. I stumbled upon THIS website and thought "WOW there's REALLY a cure to my suffering!" I was seriously about to go out and buy some aspirin and Robitussin!
Unforunately, there was a little note at the bottom that said: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.
No, you didn't make me think. You further pissed me off. What if I OD'd on that shit?!

Project 365: Month 3, Week 3.

#74: 3/15/10 - aka DOG FOOD!!




#75: 3/16/10 - aka DOG FOOD!! (not changing the caption from the last pic after copy/paste)




#76: 3/17/10 - corned beef for St. Patty's day




#77: 3/18/10 - yo mama




#78: 3/19/10 - My little cousin. I don't feel comfortable putting her pic on here so a Hanukkah ball is covering her face




#79: 3/20/10 - chicken something or other pizza at the Bread Factory in NYC. So many memories at this place!




#80: 3/21/10 - only in the Bronx...a gun baby ring

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Friday, March 26, 2010

Project 365: Month 3, Week 2.

#67: 3/8/10 - Jesus is at Wendy's!




#68: 3/9/10 - I want a dog =/




#69: 3/10/10 - My red scarf is poppin



#70: 3/11/10 - mucho mango!!




#71: 3/12/10 - mmmmm pie!!




#72: 3/13/10 - hate the Orioles but love these shirts!!




#73: 3/14/10 - THIS is why you're fat =)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 5

This is SOOOO adorable!!




"...so that means you love each other."
It's THAT simple. Why can't everyone else understand it?

(They might remove the video again)

Interrupting your regularly scheduled blogging....



I'd like to wish my fellow blogette, Ms. Reese, a happy birthdayyyyy!!! I can't wait to party it up with you on Saturday!!!