Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday Fuckery: REALLY, Sears????

The "Brief Safe" is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Meeting John Waters...

On Wednesday morning (a couple of Wednesdays since I made this draft), while browsing the b paper, I saw an ad that said John Waters would be doing a book signing for his new book Role Models at Atomic Books on Saturday. I made the sound one makes when finding out that Best Buy is having a Black Friday sale with 32 flat screen TVs for $99.

I HAD TO GO!! It was the ONE weekend I'd be in Baltimore. It was John FUCKING Waters, the Ambassador of Anal, the Prince of Puke, the King of Sleaze, the Duke of Dirt, the Pope of Trash....if you're not from Baltimore and you don't know who he is, FIND OUT! If you ARE from Baltimore and you don't know who he is, SHAME ON YOU!! He's one of those people that you either love or you hate. My parents raised me on his fuckery. Hey, I never said that they were Parents of the Year nominees. Before I was a teenager, I had seen the majority of his movies and I was a huge fan. His movies made me embrace the dysfunction of my upbringing.

There was only ONE problem: the cost of the book was $25 and my funds were limited -- NO, my funds were completely drained to the point where I was on a ramen noodles diet...trying out as many recipes as I could think of from cheesey ramen to orange chicken jailhouse ramen. No matter how many different recipes you come up with, it all becomes gag-worthy after awhile.

When things were beginning to look hopeless, I reached out to my Twitter followers for suggestions on how to earn some quick cash. I got the BEST idea from Traylove19:

I knew my new-found Boobs for Bucks business would get protests from my boyfriend. Obviously I own the rights to distribute photos of my tatas to whomever I please, but no self respecting girlfriend does that. Even if I was single, I'd like to think my lovely lady lumps are worth more than $1 anyway. Traylove's idea gave me another idea: simply asking for donations!

I set up a ChipIn account and started asking my followers on twitter to donate. I needed $25 in THREE DAYS! JessAnn got the ball rolling with a whopping 10 cent donation, followed by a 1 cent donation here and a 69 cent donation there. That was cute, but side-eye worthy. At least throw in a dollar you cheap bastards! FINALLY GorillaMonk showed these people how donating is done by giving me TWENTY dollars. Meanwhile, I had pervs sending me messages about how much nipple action they could get for $3. Uh thanks, but no thanks. JodyGFacts couldn't let GorillaMonk get all the praise so he matched his gift by also donating $20!! I had $41.99 in just hours! It was enough to get the book autographed, re-up on more ramen noodles, AND do laundry! No more hand washing my clothes in the sink with Palmolive!

to be continued...

Oh GOD I haven't blogged in AGES! Surely there have been plenty of opportunities to blog. Seriously, I'm on the internet about 15 hours a day. I've definitely had MANY things to blog my Mexican birthday celebration in NYC where I did shots with Reese and NightFall and woke up the next morning face-down in a plate of pancakes at some diner. Hey, at least I didn't wake up face-down in my own vomit in a stranger's bed.....again.

I could blog about how being in a relationship is the biggest cock blocker. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR?! Yes, I am in a relationship. I'm sorry I didn't send out memos on rose pink pearlescent metallic cardstock announcing my relationship to the world, but I'm having a hard time believing it myself. Aside from falling into the toilet when I take my 3am piss (he never puts the seat down), things are going well.

Another missed blog opportunity was the time I hung out with blogger extraordinaire Shannon Cason. Follow his blog and if you don't LOL at least once, I'll make you a tuna sandwich. I wish we had more time to hang. It was one of those random "oh hey you're in Manhattan? well, so am I! Let's go grab a drink!" kinda things. If I wasn't working on 3 hours of sleep while carrying around a big ass duffle bag, we woulda been on fire in the city. We MUST hang again! We didn't even get a picture together!

So that's been my deal for the past couple of months.