Texthibitionistic Behavior

I'd Like to Cancel My Subscription: FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-23T14:56:00.003-05:00

*BLANK STARE*

Blog Challenge: Day 2

2010-11-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name.

I came up with some pretty creative blog names.....only to find out they were already taken. This blog name just came to me one day. I've never been a fan of writing just for the sake of writing. I don't keep a private journal. I love having people read everything I write (except to-do lists), so I like to think of myself as an exhibitionist when it comes to my writing. It's 2010. Nobody physically writes anything with pen and paper. We type/text. Texthibitionism was born! Obviously, great minds think alike because if you type "texthibitionist" into google, you'll see a few websites that mention it.

Friday Fuckery: Craigslist

2010-11-10T10:21:00.004-05:00

Friday Fuckery

2010-11-05T09:52:00.001-04:00

Life Call Moments:Kid Cudi

2010-11-02T10:51:00.004-04:00

I haven't been this fucked up in a long time...actually, in 206 days. Remember my birthday party, Nightfall? ....cuz I don't lmao
Anyway, here's Kid Cudi who has fallen and can't get up...

PLEASE Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em!

2010-11-01T09:16:00.005-04:00

Mc Hammer has given life to this cold Monday morning by baptizing a chubby Jay-Z in a music video.

First of all - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Secondly - Where did this high level of self importance come from? Don't let the IRS see yo ass talking on a cell, lookin at 3D shit on your laptop...and is that a suit?

You gotta love how life-like the devil looks. What, exactly, is he the king of??? Stanley, sitcho clown ass down!!

Life Call Moments: Oh Mariah...give it up, honey!

2010-09-27T11:06:00.001-04:00

HOLY SHIT!

2010-09-09T13:55:00.002-04:00

1) Why did the other lady just stand there before CASUALLY WALKING over to the other chick and asking if she was okay?

2) Did she just tell that chick to keep going? HELL FUCKIN NO!

3) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Friday Fuckery: Dora

2010-08-27T15:40:00.001-04:00

Friday Fuckery: Ciara aint the only one riding it

2010-08-20T10:58:00.004-04:00

Everyone has seen Ciara's Ride video. The video is hot. I'm not insecure, but I do have my boyfriend trained to change the channel when that video comes on LMAO

Anyway, this video has earned Ciara a few of those fans who usually recreate Beyonce videos in their bedrooms in front of a camera for youtube.

The Friday Fuckery was originally gonna be >THIS< video, but that is really disgusting and pedo-esque. So today I bring you Tyrone Jones! Say what you want, but I can't drop and pick my self off the floor like that!

Friday Fuckery: eHow to Write a Text Message Booty Call

2010-08-13T10:10:00.002-04:00

For those who have been living under a rock (or didn't own a computer) for the past 11 years, eHow is a website that gives step by step instructions on how to do just about anything from boiling water to planning a wedding at the Statue of Liberty. I've used it for hundreds of things. I was reading my favorite hood news website today when I read that eHow had a how-to guide for writing a booty text message. You can read it >>HERE<<

Tips and warnings are always included with the instructions on this website. The warning for sending a booty text message was: Always practice safe sex. Having a booty call, multiple sex partners or engaging in casual sex can be unsafe. Always take steps to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases by using condoms and other forms of birth control.

Gotta love it!

Friday Fuckery: Mad Mel

2010-08-06T10:43:00.001-04:00

Unless you've been living under a deep freezer in somebody's basement for the past 2 months, I'm sure you've heard ALLLLL about the fuckery that ended Mel Gibson's career. I won't go into detail about how I rubbed my anal beads together while praying to the fuckery Gods for more of those crazy phone calls to go public so I'd have daily entertainment and new ring tones. I just thought I'd share this hilarious video between Mad Mel and the Old Spice dude!

Friday Fuckery: His 15 Minutes Are NOT Up!

2010-08-06T08:15:00.000-04:00

Antoine Dodson is turning his 15 minutes of fame into a full half hour, and I'm loving every minute of it. I've been meaning to add the Mel Gibson rants to the Friday Fuckery list, but everyone is like "Mel Gibson WHO?!"
I bet Alicia Keys and Tiny are both side-eyeing Antoine. He's sucking up their big moments. OH WELLLLLLLLLLL!!

Mr. Dodson now has a website, youtube channel, facebook fan page and twitter. These are ALL official! Please let BET give him a reality show!! LAWD HAMMERCY he is doing Meet & Greets and elegantly signing autographs with those nails perfectly chiseled by Korean angels sent from heaven....GIVE ME LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!! *FAINTS*

He's backkkkkkkkk!!

2010-08-02T11:55:00.005-04:00

Follow up interview with Antoine Dodson from the hot mess I posted on Friday!

Antoine is gonna beat his ass and then call the police while he's beating his ass!

Friday Fuckery: Antoine Dodson

2010-07-30T09:56:00.009-04:00

How did these news reporters keep straight faces?! I really need for Antoine to get his own reality show, youtube channel or SOMETHING NOW!!!!! I need his fuckery in my life DAILY!!!

BONUS!!

Check out the 1:10 mark on this video for Antoine's description of the intruder!

Meeting John Waters: Part 2

2010-07-16T12:42:00.003-04:00

Read Part 1 HERE!

"The three places you can get away with wearing a CUNT necklace is to a Madonna concert, a drag/gay club, and when meeting John Waters."

This is my infamous cunt necklace....

I just KNEW that I had to wear it to John's book signing. After all, Madonna taught me the word 'cunt', but Pink Flamingos embedded it into my vocabulary. As I was nervously getting dressed for my meet & greet with Mr. Waters, I was internally freaking out. The last book signing I went to was Kimora Lee's book signing. She was disgustingly rude to me and my admiration turned into HATE.

Kimora was disposable, but not John Waters. If he was rude to me at his book signing, I'd DIE!!! I liked Kimora for all of 3 minutes, but John Waters meant way too much to me. Did I wanna risk getting dissed by him? HELL NO! I decided not to go.

BUT HOW COULD I NOT GO??????? It was a risk I was gonna have to take.

I got my mom to go with me. She's a huge enabler in my fuckery. She's actually met Johnny Boy before so she calmed my nerves by telling me he was down to earth.

We got to the book store about 40 minutes before the signing. The line had less than 20 people in it. Thank God we got there when we did because the line ended up wrapping around the block. We stood with line with this awesome guy who starred as an extra in some of John Waters' movies. He had tons of stories to tell, and he even told me I should get into acting because I had the face for it..................................................

After what felt like forever, the line started moving. No CPT!! It was a really rushed process because there were so many people. You walked in, purchased the book and/or poster & post cards, then moved along to the next line. Once in line, you hand John whatever you wanted him to sign, spell your name out, say something witty, brown nose, or whatever, then pose to have your picture taken.

My mom (in true Cathy fashion) embarrassed me from the minute we stepped in the door.

As soon as we walked in she started browsing the bookstore....even though the store was closed for the day for this event. My mom was acting like a 6 year old hood child named Day-Day! "OOOOHHH look at this!", "hey take a pic of that!!"
Uh no mom! I'm here for this event and we can come back at another time to browse the store!
You had to be fast and smooth because the people behind you were eager to get their turn. The chicks behind me were stepping on my heels like John Waters said "ok at 7:23pm, I'm leaving whether I've seen everyone or not!"

I purchased a post card, book and poster. My mom just got a post card. I was the next person in line and I was practicing my breathing exercises. I'm not one to get starstruck over random people, but this was John Waters. I knew of him long before I became a fan of Marc Anthony, and I fainted when I met Marc. The minute I got to the front of the line, John's assistant-type-person (I'm assuming) recognized me from a tweet about my cunt necklace. Out of no where, my mom screams "OH MY GOD!! YOU'RE A CELEBRITY IN HERE!!" Really mom? Because some dude read a tweet? Yeah. Okay............................................

I spelled my name out for John, but I was so nervous I thought I misspelled it. I was kinda put off by him asking me to spell Frankie. Maybe it's because of bitches with names like Tiphany, Danyelle, and Charleigh (yes!!!). He signed the book, poster and post card. After that, it was time to pose for my picture. John did his signature pose and I kneeled (knelt?) down beside him, and told my mom to be SURE to avoid capturing my double-chins in the camera.

Everyone in the store laughed. John laughed and made a joke about using photo editing software. [REWIND]We stood in line outside for about 40 minutes and in that time, I was giving my mom tutorials on using my camera so she wouldn't screw up. [FAST FORWARD] So we're ready to take the pic and MOM CAN'T WORK THE CAMERA!! She's saying the flash isn't coming on. She doesn't know what button to push. She doesn't know how to zoom in!! The ants-in-their-pants teeny boppers behind us in line are sighing. The whole room is silent waiting for her to snap the pic. ALL EYES ON US! I swear when other people were meeting John Waters, the store was playing music, people were talking amongst themselves, the lights were dim, and the atmosphere was nothing short of a night club. Suddenly when it was time for ME to have my moment with John, the lights were on (spotlight on me) like we were filming a reality show, and you could hear a feather drop....ON CARPET!! I felt like I was in court! Random people began shouting out "it's the big button on the left hand side of the top of the camera!" "Lift the flash!" "Is that an SLR?" "Make sure it's on auto!" UMMMM... When did everyone become the expert on using MY camera?? FINALLY one of the chicks behind us in line offered to take the pic for me.

Then it was mom's turn to have her picture taken. I handled the camera this time. She wanted a pic with my camera AND with her blackberry that I don't really know how to work. This prompted the crowd to sigh and do an eye-roll in unison.

As we were walking out of the store passed people in line outside patiently waiting for their turn with the legendary film maker, people started requested photos of me in my cunt necklace and autographed book. It was a GREAT experience!

Check me out on BaltimoreBrew.com and I was also in the local newspaper (b)....TWICE!!

...and believe you me, I have PLENTLY of copies =)

Friday Fuckery: REALLY, Sears????

2010-06-25T10:03:00.000-04:00

The "Brief Safe" is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).

Meeting John Waters...

2010-06-06T19:36:00.017-04:00

On Wednesday morning (a couple of Wednesdays since I made this draft), while browsing the b paper, I saw an ad that said John Waters would be doing a book signing for his new book Role Models at Atomic Books on Saturday. I made the sound one makes when finding out that Best Buy is having a Black Friday sale with 32 flat screen TVs for $99.

I HAD TO GO!! It was the ONE weekend I'd be in Baltimore. It was John FUCKING Waters, the Ambassador of Anal, the Prince of Puke, the King of Sleaze, the Duke of Dirt, the Pope of Trash....if you're not from Baltimore and you don't know who he is, FIND OUT! If you ARE from Baltimore and you don't know who he is, SHAME ON YOU!! He's one of those people that you either love or you hate. My parents raised me on his fuckery. Hey, I never said that they were Parents of the Year nominees. Before I was a teenager, I had seen the majority of his movies and I was a huge fan. His movies made me embrace the dysfunction of my upbringing.

There was only ONE problem: the cost of the book was $25 and my funds were limited -- NO, my funds were completely drained to the point where I was on a ramen noodles diet...trying out as many recipes as I could think of from cheesey ramen to orange chicken jailhouse ramen. No matter how many different recipes you come up with, it all becomes gag-worthy after awhile.

When things were beginning to look hopeless, I reached out to my Twitter followers for suggestions on how to earn some quick cash. I got the BEST idea from Traylove19:

I knew my new-found Boobs for Bucks business would get protests from my boyfriend. Obviously I own the rights to distribute photos of my tatas to whomever I please, but no self respecting girlfriend does that. Even if I was single, I'd like to think my lovely lady lumps are worth more than $1 anyway. Traylove's idea gave me another idea: simply asking for donations!

I set up a ChipIn account and started asking my followers on twitter to donate. I needed $25 in THREE DAYS! JessAnn got the ball rolling with a whopping 10 cent donation, followed by a 1 cent donation here and a 69 cent donation there. That was cute, but side-eye worthy. At least throw in a dollar you cheap bastards! FINALLY GorillaMonk showed these people how donating is done by giving me TWENTY dollars. Meanwhile, I had pervs sending me messages about how much nipple action they could get for $3. Uh thanks, but no thanks. JodyGFacts couldn't let GorillaMonk get all the praise so he matched his gift by also donating $20!! I had $41.99 in just hours! It was enough to get the book autographed, re-up on more ramen noodles, AND do laundry! No more hand washing my clothes in the sink with Palmolive!

to be continued...

2010-06-06T18:28:00.005-04:00

Oh GOD I haven't blogged in AGES! Surely there have been plenty of opportunities to blog. Seriously, I'm on the internet about 15 hours a day. I've definitely had MANY things to blog about...like my Mexican birthday celebration in NYC where I did shots with Reese and NightFall and woke up the next morning face-down in a plate of pancakes at some diner. Hey, at least I didn't wake up face-down in my own vomit in a stranger's bed.....again.

I could blog about how being in a relationship is the biggest cock blocker. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR?! Yes, I am in a relationship. I'm sorry I didn't send out memos on rose pink pearlescent metallic cardstock announcing my relationship to the world, but I'm having a hard time believing it myself. Aside from falling into the toilet when I take my 3am piss (he never puts the seat down), things are going well.

Another missed blog opportunity was the time I hung out with blogger extraordinaire Shannon Cason. Follow his blog and if you don't LOL at least once, I'll make you a tuna sandwich. I wish we had more time to hang. It was one of those random "oh hey you're in Manhattan? well, so am I! Let's go grab a drink!" kinda things. If I wasn't working on 3 hours of sleep while carrying around a big ass duffle bag, we woulda been on fire in the city. We MUST hang again! We didn't even get a picture together!

So that's been my deal for the past couple of months.

What's the deal with.....

2010-04-08T12:22:00.000-04:00

...BLACKBERRY SNOBS?!

Blackberry owners annoy me terribly for MANY reasons, but the biggest reason is that they NEVER refer to their phone as a PHONE! You never hear someone who has a blackberry say, "damn, I lost my phone." It's always, "damn, I lost my blackberry." It's a goddamn PHONE so start calling it a PHONE! They defend this by saying *in a snotty blackberry owner's voice* "a blackberry is not a phone". Can you make/receive phone calls on it? Yea, IT'S A PHONE!! Some dude attached his business card to something he sent in my office. It said:

Brian Panagopoulos
123 Sesame Street
New York, NY 10023

Home: 718-555-6969
Office: 718-555-3312
Blackberry: 646-555-0123
E-mail: BrianP@gmail.com

Wait, WHAT?? BLACKBERRY? I swear if he was standing in front of my face, I woulda gave his simple ass a paper cut with that damn business card!! GET OUTTA MY FACE!!!

(say somethin' NightFall! I DARE YOU!)

...AUTOMATIC DOORS?! They ALL have this stupid sign:

I'm a pretty fast walker, but even if I was going at a non-New Yorker's speed, it would still be too fast. You actually need to STOP (not keep moving) and allow the ALWAYS delayed doors to open before exiting. Am I the only one who's ever noticed this? Can we sign a petition and send it to Horton Automatics?

...THE RETURN OF LA GEAR'S?!

I've seen Reebok Classic's in sneaker stores. They're always bringing back Nike's from the 90s like Airmax, so why can't LA Gear's make a return?! I swear if I found an old pair in my size (I've looked lol), I would totally wear them!

Lil Elian Grew Up!

2010-04-06T14:01:00.004-04:00

Remember Elian Gonzalez??

Well, he grew the hell up! He's 16 years old now! Damn, time flies and I'm feeling old as hell!! In two years, ima take a trip to Cuba. OWWWW!!!

Cranky Frankie: Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son!

2010-04-05T13:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm being punished for eating anything that isn't a salad with a glass of water on the side....and I'm not talking about the punishment of getting on the scale every morning and not being happy with the results due to my eating habits. I'm talking about the ITIS!!!!! I just don't understand why it exists and why there's no cure for it. Sometimes I avoid food when I know I can't marinate in the itis. Sometimes I'm so hungry that I'm thinking to myself "ok I have a lot of energy right now. I got some good sleep last night. The sun is shining. I can eat this chicken bacon ranch sub from Subway be and okay. I can beat the itis today"

....then BAM, I get slapped in the face by a food coma.

The other day, it was so bad that I was googling cures for the itis. The internet has everything else from whether or not a lady bug can kill you to the movie script from Mannequin so maybe they'd have a cure. I stumbled upon THIS website and thought "WOW there's REALLY a cure to my suffering!" I was seriously about to go out and buy some aspirin and Robitussin!
Unforunately, there was a little note at the bottom that said: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.
No, you didn't make me think. You further pissed me off. What if I OD'd on that shit?!

Project 365: Month 3, Week 3.

2010-04-05T13:15:00.000-04:00

#74: 3/15/10 - aka DOG FOOD!!

#75: 3/16/10 - aka DOG FOOD!! (not changing the caption from the last pic after copy/paste)

#76: 3/17/10 - corned beef for St. Patty's day

#77: 3/18/10 - yo mama

#78: 3/19/10 - My little cousin. I don't feel comfortable putting her pic on here so a Hanukkah ball is covering her face

#79: 3/20/10 - chicken something or other pizza at the Bread Factory in NYC. So many memories at this place!

#80: 3/21/10 - only in the Bronx...a gun baby ring

GODDAMN YOU BEYONCE!!

2010-03-31T20:18:00.001-04:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Project 365: Month 3, Week 2.

2010-03-26T15:00:00.015-04:00

#67: 3/8/10 - Jesus is at Wendy's!

#68: 3/9/10 - I want a dog =/

#69: 3/10/10 - My red scarf is poppin

#70: 3/11/10 - mucho mango!!

#71: 3/12/10 - mmmmm pie!!

#72: 3/13/10 - hate the Orioles but love these shirts!!

#73: 3/14/10 - THIS is why you're fat =)

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 5

2010-03-16T14:19:00.003-04:00

This is SOOOO adorable!!

"...so that means you love each other."
It's THAT simple. Why can't everyone else understand it?

(They might remove the video again)

Interrupting your regularly scheduled blogging....

2010-03-16T09:11:00.003-04:00

I'd like to wish my fellow blogette, Ms. Reese, a happy birthdayyyyy!!! I can't wait to party it up with you on Saturday!!!

Project 365: Month 3, Week 1.

2010-03-15T14:42:00.006-04:00

#60: 3/1/10 - I got this magazine in the mail o_O

#61: 3/2/10 - 4th floor bathroom at work where I sleep after lunch

#62: 3/3/10 -mmmm honey mustard wings

#63: 3/4/10 - mmm pizzaaaa

#64: 3/5/10 - Happy Bday!!

#65: 3/6/10 - My cat is giving birth!

#66: 3/7/10 - awww kitty died

Project 365: Month 2.

2010-03-15T13:55:00.002-04:00

Yep, I've been SLACKING!!! I'm blaming it on the snow.

YAAAAASSS BITCH, WERKKK!!

2010-03-08T12:21:00.002-05:00

Interrupting your regularly scheduled blogging....

2010-03-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

OH WAIT....I haven't updated this blog in weeks so I ain't interrupting shit. Anyway....

Carry on.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOOBS

2010-02-18T12:09:00.003-05:00

( o )( o )

That is all.

Project 365: Week 4.

2010-01-29T09:16:00.005-05:00

#23: 1/23/10 - reason #72 why I don't allow people ('specially men folk) in my apartment!

#24: 1/24/10 - Good bye evil kitty!

#25: 1/25/10 - my kitchen

#26: 1/26/10 - anybody wanna tell me what this means?

#27: 1/27/10 - Noxeema the sleepy kitty never wakes up!

#28: 1/28/10 - long story about me stabbing my best friend with this if he suggested we eat Subway for lunch

(I need a new blog layout cuz these image sizes are killing me)

Five Things: Dumb Blonde Confessions.

2010-01-28T14:13:00.016-05:00

1. When Princess Diana died, the news reports kept saying that the paparazzi was to blame. All I kept thinking was "why would he kill her??"

2. I used to think brazos meant legs in Spanish. It's a simple mistake, EXCEPT when you're translating a song for someone's Spanish project and the lyrics say: No me conoces y hace tres noches que dormiste entre mis brazos...
I still get teased about this.

3. As a kid, I thought that dogs were boys and cats were girls.

4. The first time I caught the bus by myself, I thought only ONE bus came. I missed the bus and walked about two hours to my destination.

5. I don't wanna go into details about this, but I used to think nut (cum) meant nut....

Want: Apple iPad/iSlate/iWhateverthefuck

2010-01-27T13:45:00.005-05:00

I don't know what it does. I don't care. It's new, and I'm a newstuff whore, so I'd like this. Kthanksbye.

***UPDATE***
I'd much rather have THIS iPad (shout out to Dlisted)

SIKE.

2010-01-26T09:48:00.005-05:00

What you see is what you get. My God, I don't have the time nor the energy to live up to some persona... I understand what it is to be vulnerable, and I understand what it is to be strong. So anybody who bashes 'sentimental' is missing it. I've seen the toughest guys in the world cry. That macho thing is an old folktale. I'm not afraid of it at all. - Marc Anthony

...and back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Project 365: Week 3.

2010-01-22T14:32:00.003-05:00

#15: 1/15/10 - oooohh I found a fat Versace wallet in my office! Drinks on meeee!

#16: 1/16/10 - looks like #6 had a great night.

"How appropriate that it's "Girl 6" that had a great night."

#17: 1/17/10 - The bodega that sells......what I need lol

#18: 1/18/10 - Charlie the black squirrel in the Bronx

#19: 1/19/10 - "Regal and sexy"...this pic reminds me of my favorite poet.

#20: 1/20/10 - My newly licensed best friend.

#21: 1/21/10 - Brook-Lynn taking a bath

#22: 1/22/10 - peek-a-boo kitty

Five Things: Food Confessions

2010-01-21T14:42:00.011-05:00

1. I eat the tips of chicken wings when no one is watching.

2. I can't eat a meal without getting a food metal. One of my friends has countless pics of events we've gone to where she had to use photoshop to get rid of the stains. I need to wear an adult bib!

3. Food and sex go hand in hand. I've masturbated to cooking shows.

4. I once ate a whole box of oatmeal creme pies in one sitting. I've never shared that with anyone.

5. And LAST, but not least.....*deep breath*....I swear yall better not tell NOBODY!!
I've eaten this....

What's your dirty food secret?

Project 365: Week 2.

2010-01-15T10:00:00.003-05:00

My 365 pics:

#8: 1/8/10 - My bfff in my office on his iPhuck >:O

#9: 1/9/10 - This is my fridge. No rhyme. No reason.

#10: 1/10/10 - I love this wine! One of my friends commented that the chick on the bottle was smiling with her eyes.

#11: 1/11/10 - My little sis sleeping..... smh

#12 - 1/12/10 - caramel popcorn...the only thing I ate for 2 days this week when I was sick.

#13 - 1/13/10 - the inside of my fridge. there's only one swallow left in that tequila bottle.
(swallow )

I was sick and blah on and off this week and barely remembered to take pics each day.

#14: 1/14/10 - American Idol

Five Things: Clothing Confessions

2010-01-14T15:45:00.014-05:00

1. I don't own a dresser unless you count the trash bag of unfolded laundry in my living room floor.

2. I always blamed my mom for my tomboy behavior growing up because she bought me and my sister matching outfits, but hers was pink and mine was blue. When you're a kid, pink means girl and blue means boy.

3. The article of clothing that makes me feel sexiest is (and will always be) my faja. If I can breathe, I don't feel sexy.

4. I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a tank top, but I do wear those shirts with the reallllly short sleeves that almost look like tank tops.

5. I own really sexy panties...lace, sheer, animal prints, ruffles...all that good stuff, but the only time I wear them is near laundry day as a last resort. I live for big giant colorful cotton granny panties that cost less than a dollar per pair.

What's your dirty little clothing secret?

Quality Television!

2010-01-14T09:48:00.005-05:00

I'm not an Idol fanatic, but I live for a good hot mess!

Meet General Larry Platt, a 62 year old contestant on American Idol:

Lyrics

Pants on the ground
Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground

With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat
Lookin’ like a fool, walkin’ to the town
With your pants on the ground

If Soldier Boy can become famous, anything is possible. YES, this song is my current ring tone. You guys know I'm a sucker for trends!

Facebook fan page

I'd Like to Cancel My Subscription to the Internet

2010-01-11T13:54:00.012-05:00

Click here to find out why...

Project 365: Week 1.

2010-01-07T18:03:00.001-05:00

I didn't make any resolutions for the new year....or at least none that I've admitted out loud. I did, however, decide (after having my arm twisted) to participate in this project 365 stuff. I'm not a photographer by any stretch of the imagination, but I do enjoy taking pictures. Honestly, when I hold a camera, I don't even aim. I just shoot and whatever image is captured is the imagine that's meant to be captured. I only wish I had a better camera.

My friend's dog (.......yea) got my attention on New Year's day when he uploaded (ha!) his first project 365 photo.

It's fun. It's random. It's something to look forward to doing every day until December 31st...or when I get bored with it (probably mid March).

To keep my interest (and make it challenging because it's wayyy too easy), I decided to make my project themed. The whole month of January is completely random to start off with, but I *think* I'm gonna give each month a subject...like one month I'll take pics related to used condoms and the next month I'll do beverages or something. I'm still debating on whether I should try to change the subject once a week or once a month. I think having 12 different subjects is too easy but 52 different subjects might be difficult. We'll see what happens. I have like 2 weeks to decide.

I only planned on sharing these photos on Facebook, but then I stole another blogger's idea to display the pics weekly so I'll try to share my 7 pics every Friday morning. It'll be like a Christmas surprise! YAYYYY! Anyway, I'm posting the first 7 a day early:

#1: 1/1/10 - This was taken after my New Year's eve champagne toast...technically it was after midnight so I used it. Sobriety FAIL!

#2: 1/2/10 - Diet FAIL! Happiness WIN!! I found this gift from God at 7-Eleven when me and my sis went on a junk food run. First week into the new year and I can say (without a doubt) that it's still the highlight of my year so far.

>

#3: 1/3/10 - It's safe to say that my mom reps Brooklyn hard! I took this pic in her house.

#4: 1/4/10 - I had lunch with my bfff. I saw him doodling on a post it note from the side of my eye. I didn't think anything of it til he left and I found this gem LOL

#5: 1/5/10 - I haven't changed the calendar in my office since I left for my staycation.

#6: 1/6/10 - I was leaving a blog comment and "prenut" was the chosen word verification. This amuses the pre-pubescent boy living inside of me.

#7: 1/7/10 - I took this dreaded mirror shot for a blog entry I was planning to do about sin....not that anyone is noticing the rosary on my neck =)

(the size restrictions on my dumb ass layout are beginning to annoy me)

I'll Have What She's Having....and make mine a double!

2010-01-07T13:18:00.002-05:00

Classic!

Blog Award: TMI

2010-01-05T17:34:00.002-05:00

Bigggggg shout out to my homie Reese for giving me this TMI award (nearly a month ago). It's my very first blog award EVER, and I think I'm deserving of it after my previous post. Don't you agree?? Personally, too much information is never enough for me. I'm a supporter of non-censorship, and obviously you people love it too or you wouldn't be reading.....

TMI BLOG AWARD RULES:

-post the award on your blog

DONE!

-list 8 things a voyeur / peeping tom could potentially catch you doing if they were watching you

WOW! This is funny because, while I like to broadcast my thoughts/actions with words, I kinda sorta don't want someone to SEE the things I do on a daily basis...which is why I'm a TEXThibitionist and not an EXHIBITIONIST lol

1. I live alone, and I was a repressed nudest for 24 yrs while living with others. For this reason, I RARELY wear clothes in my apartment so a peeping Tom (and everyone driving down Franklin Avenue in downtown Baltimore...cuz I tend to leave my blinds open by mistake) would definitely see some nakedness. The minute I walk into my door, I strip down to nothing but my granny panties. Don't judge me!

2. For those who don't know, I love salsa. I listen to it like 70% of the day so I'm always dancing and singing around my apartment. I wish I was a music director. I have this DVD of Marc Anthony's HBO concert at Madison Square Garden many years ago.

I've seen it more times than you've showered in your lifetime. I know it word for word and I act out this concert. I stand in front of the tv mimicking his every move.

3. If my peeping Tom was a night-owl, he would most certainly catch a glimpse of me cooking and cleaning in the wee hours of the night....3am mopping the floors, washing dishes, baking cupcakes, sorting laundry, and my all time favorite: scrubbing the bathtub. I just can't focus on cleaning during normal hours of the day. I get very domestic in the middle of the night.

4. If we're gonna go there, let's go there with the TMI, I'm a chronic masturbator. I have to do it AT LEAST three times a day or I'll lose my mind. I'm easily aroused and I'm pretty much conditioned to fall asleep while rubbing the genie lamp. In order to get my morning burst of energy, I have to search the clam for the pearl before getting out of bed. This is how I function.

5. I laugh at everything, but in public I have to suppress the obnoxious sound of my laughter. When I'm at home, I can laugh hysterically the way I really want to. Some day I'll record my uncensored laugh for you all. It's a cross between a witch's cackle, a giggling baby, an old man, and a dog whistle...with a snort in between.

6. In public, I have to eat like a lady. It's a big pain in the ass. I never bite into anything with a bone. I usually try my best to eat bone-free meals when I'm around other people and when I can't avoid it, I pick the meat off with my fingers. It's bad enough being a fat chick without being a fat chick who eats in a sloppy manner...........BUT WHEN I'M AT HOME, ALL BETS ARE OFF!! I eat with my hands....corn, rice, mashed potatoes...whatever! I don't even own forks. My peeping Tom would see me with bbq sauce on my face and neck! I lick my fingers. Hell, I've even gotten food in my hair! You can't really enjoy your food until you've had that kinda messy, passionate intimacy with it.

7. Cat abuse. I hate my cats....A LOT! I've given them pop rocks, liquor and they're no strangers to getting one of my size 11 (yes, 11) shoes thrown upside their heads for meowing too aggressively. If my peeping tom is a member of PETA, ohhhh boyyyyyy!
I'm kidding. I kinda sorta like them, but they don't like me and we sometimes don't see eye to eye. I've been trying to catch Necessity (the boy cat) for a few days now. I'm putting him up for adoption after humping the female cat and ruining my couches.

The other day, my peeping Tom would've seen me building a fort/trap including boxes and a cage. I had the couches flipped over, the air conditioning on blast (chasing him made me sweat out my weave), broom in my hand....things got VERY ugly and I still didn't catch him!

8. I aimlessly daydream. It's bad! I stare off into space for what seems like 2-3 minutes and when I look up at the time, 2-3 HOURS have gone by! I think my peeping Tom would probably rush to my side to make sure I'm not suffering from a stroke because I completely daze out for hours!

So those are my little behind-closed-doors habits!

-award up to 8 bloggers who match the criteria of this award.

WOW ummmm I haven't read too much TMI stuff lately, but then again, I haven't been frequenting many blogs as much as I should. I promise to do better guys! In the mean time, why don't you all tell me something a peeping Tom might catch you doing?

All I Want for Christmas...

2009-12-16T12:30:00.007-05:00

I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit lately. I'm not depressed or incredibly broke like past years. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's this warm weather (I've had my AC on twice this week).Usually by the second week in December, my Christmas list has been printed out, laminated and posted on the refrigerators of all of my friends and family members along with a dry erase marker for them to make notes. This year, whenever someone asks me what I want for Christmas, I just shrug and say "well, you don't really have to get me anything this year. We're in a recession."
This response has left my family and friends flabbergasted. FRANKIE NOT WANTING GIFTS?! What kinda fuckery is THAT?! Everyone knows I love Christmas and I adore gifts...giving and receiving (but mostly giving because I give some pretty kick ass gifts, thank you very much). I sure as hell haven't outgrown my desire to receive gifts. I just don't know what I want....okay, I'm lying. I DO know what I want, but I'm afraid to tell anyone that I want a vibrator for Christmas.

I'm no stranger to discussing TMI topics, but I'm disturbed by the idea of asking someone to purchase a sex toy for me for Christmas! At some point, you just have to draw the line! What would our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ think of this???

BUTTTT this isn't just ANY vibrator!! It's an OhMiBOD vibrator that, according to Eden's Fantasys, gives you the ability to listen and get off to your favorite music, while it's pulsing inside of you.

YES! IT VIBRATES TO THE RHYTHM OF YOUR MUSIC!!! How awesome is that?! I love music! I love vibrators (proud owner of four), and I love masturbation! This is the PERFECT gift for me!

THIS is the one that I want. It's the sister version (or IMPROVED version if you ask me) to the regular OhMiBod vibrator. Honestly, I could use either one, but they're the same price so why not go all out and get the Gspot edition?!

Anyway, I've not built up the guts to request this gift from my mom, so I'll continue to go through this holiday season telling folks not to worry about a gift for me (while secretly hoping they stumble upon this blog entry) and just accept, yet another, pair of bargain bin/irregular pajamas purchased at Conway.

Please go over to ToyWithMe.com read a HILARIOUS review of one of the OhMiBod products.

Lifecall Moments: JHo Update

2009-12-15T14:18:00.005-05:00

Although I hate this mascara stealing bitch (ask me about that later), I must admit that The Black Widow's attempt to undo the embarrassment of falling was quite hilarious. KUDOS JHO!

(watch the whole clip)

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 4

2009-12-10T17:27:00.005-05:00

I ~~hate~~ dislike children...A LOT. I don't have kids. I don't want kids. I'm sure your children are wonderful, and I'll smile at them and click "like" on Facebook photos of them while commenting that they are "simply adorable", but let them be "simply adorable" in YOUR house, not mine. k? thanks.

Anyway, although I don't want any parasi--um I mean "children", I MUST post this video that I cannot stop watching. I've been watching it for the past 2 days. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. This kid *ALMOST* makes me wanna go out and get one. Like, if they were selling him at the local Today's Pet Shop, I would totally consider inquiring about the cost.

This video has over 400,000 views and I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for 84% of that. I cannot stop watching it! I scream every time I see this little bundle of joy.

Give Me a Fucking Break!

2009-12-10T12:46:00.005-05:00

Standing on the bus stop with my white chocolate caramel latte (OH YEAHHHHHHHH ala Kool-Aid man) and there was a tap on my right shoulder...so I turned to my right...nobody there. Tap on my left shoulder so I turned to my left and got PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY ASS BREATH! OOOOOOOOH THAT BREATH IS VICIOUS!! Today's conversation:

Him: Hey Miss Pretty.
Me: (same dry tone as always) Hi *texting on my phone, not making eye contact*
Him: Another long day at work....
Me: *raises brows without looking up* yep.
Him: Last night was crazy...
Me: mmm.
Him: well, you take care. hea'?
Me: k.
Him: Have a good day...even though you treat me bad.
Me: *nod*
Him: ...even though you won't let me take you out.
Me: heh <---dry laugh
Him: ok pretty, have a good day.
Me: k.

Did I mention that he was poking me in the arm like that annoying high school classmate who constantly pokes you on facebook? This being nice shit is gonna wear thin.

He's BACKKKKKKKK!

2009-12-09T10:07:00.009-05:00

Remember my stalker?? If you don't, please refresh your memory by reading about him.

I was already in a pissy mood this morning because I woke up at 2am and STILL managed to leave out late for work...even though I didn't have to leave til 7:30am. I walked to the bus stop and it was shut down because of the ENDLESS construction downtown.

SIDE BAR: What the fuck are they "constructing"? Every time I turn around, there's a detour because the roads are blocked off. There are more traffic cones and drums than rats downtown (and that's A LOT). Meanwhile, NOTHING is being fixed and this city still looks like shit. What are you attempting to fix it up for? Nobody comes to Baltimore!

I had to walk three blocks to the next bus stop. I got on the bus and was standing (which is always annoying because it's kinda hard to text, adjust your music and balance yourself while the bus is going uphill and making sharp turns). After a few blocks, two seats freed up. I had to choose between the guy with his head down (obviously sleeping which meant he'd probably end up with his head on my shoulder or left tit) or the guy whose ass took up half of the spare seat next to him. I opted for the sleeping guy. Before I could even inhale, I got a whiff of his breath and he opened his eyes and said "WELL HELLO STRANGER!"

Note to self: make an appointment to have your fucked up ass vision checked so you'll notice stalkers a mile away!

If I had ANY idea it was him, I would've gotten off of the bus before he even noticed me. Our conversation went like this:
(he was loud and excited, I was expressionless and dry)

Him: You're always ignoring me when I'm trying to get your attention.
Me: I always wear earphones so I don't notice.
Him: I saw you on campus the other d--
Me: I was wearing earphones.
Him: oh.

*****TURNS UP THE VOLUME ON THE RAY BARRETTO STATION PLAYING ON PANDORA*****

Him: I had to work at your campus the other day filling in as a teacher for a friend.
Me: *silence*

Him: *tapping me* I had to work at your campus the other --
Me: huh? what? *adjusts volume on earphones* what?
Him: oh, I was just saying I had to work at your campus the other day filling in as a teacher for a friend.
Me: oh *turns volume up louder*
Him: WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP
Me: *turns music OFF* what?
Him: ....like you said, working on the campus is something else.
Me: *trying to remember when the fuck I said that* uh huh
Him: so how have you been?
Me: good.
Him: how's work?
Me: can't complain.
Him: all the talk on campus is about the new president.
Me: I guess...
Him: so whatchu think of him?
Me: I haven't heard much.

***SILENCE***

...so I attempted to put my music back on.....BUT NOOOOOOO!

Him: You got a long day ahead of you.
Me: um not really.
Him: I'm working a 20 hour shift.
Me: wow.
Him: yep...we got some crazy people in there yesterday.
Me: mmk.
Him: one lady was so drunk...blah blah blah... *insert corny joke about lighting a match near her breath*
Me: oh.
Him: blah blah blah... she had a blood alcohol level of blah blah blah...
Me: hmm... wow.
Him: and she kept asking us if she could leave on her broomstick. she was attacking the guards with the broomstick. blah blah blah full moon.
Me: crazy.
Him: blah blah blah drug test....blah blah cocaine.
Me: really.
Him: blah blah blah other guy said... blah blah last Thursday blah blah blah shoes in the closet...blah
Me: jeez.

The entire time I was avoiding eye contact while staring into space praying that when I looked out the window, I would be really close to my stop to get off. He just kept talking and spewing that disgusting skid mark breath of his. I was trying to hold my breath so I wouldn't inhale the pollution of his breath. I looked up and the bus had only moved like 3 blocks. I contemplated getting off early and taking a cab, walking or waiting for the next bus. The problem was that he knew which stop I was supposed to get off at.

He felt the need to remind me of his position at his job and mention something about being a supervisor. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! That shit will NEVER impress me. Why don't you use your big pay check to buy a giant turbo toothbrush and a gallon of bleach-infused Listerine and let them swing dance in your shitty mouth!

This lasted the entire bus ride...even through the 20 minutes we sat in traffic thanks to a car accident. Truth be told, I would have rather been in the accident...and you people know I have a car phobia.

FINALLY as I was leaving the bus, he tried to rub my arm and tell me that I'm always dismissing him. YEA FOOL, GET A FUCKING CLUE!

And the Mother of the Year Award Goes to....

2009-12-07T12:26:00.011-05:00

A couple of notes to keep in mind:

- To save money, instead of buying expensive ($10-$14) cocktails, I usually put rum inside of a water bottle and make my own drinks when I go out.

- I keep bottled water in my fridge for my cats.

The other day while I was packing my stuff in a rush to go to NYC, I poured some rum into a water bottle to take with me. I planned on going to SOBs where the drinks are overpriced (based on my Maryland pay check). In my rush, I left the rum (inside of the water bottle) on the counter. I didn't think anything of it because I never made it to the club, and I was surrounded by alcohol during my stay in NYC anyway. I got back home (3 days later) and tidied up my apartment...which included putting the "water" in the fridge.

Fast forward a couple of days, I was on my hands and knees cleaning up cat vomit from my carpet. I just figured one of them got sick from eating paper. Nena (the girl cat) eats paper when I don't feed her when she wants to be fed. Fuckin savage!
Anyway, the cats were laid up. Normally they follow me around the house. When I shower, they watch. When I sleep, they sniff me. When I sit down to tinkle, they sit on my lap. They were in serious chill mode though.

I didn't think anything of their behavior until I went to make myself a Cuba Libre. I grabbed the bottle of rum and it was empty. EMPTY!? Then everything started coming back to me in those flashbacks they show on soap operas or in a suspense movie when the mystery is about to be solved.

I gave my poor babies RUM instead of water!! At first I felt sorry for them until I realized they licked the bowl dry. The vomit and lounging around...SIGNS OF A HANGOVER! No need to call PETA. My mom has them on speed dial.

Lifecall Moments: Lady Gaga

2009-12-02T16:32:00.005-05:00

Brought to you by Lady Gaga...

TWO IN ONE!! She wasn't even smooth with it! Beyonce and JHo could teach her a thing or two. Still love her!

nom.

2009-11-30T18:01:00.004-05:00

All I wanna do is eat Thanksgiving food over and over and over again. Turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey and gravy, turkey omelets, turkey soup...man, my step dad used to strip the turkey down to the bone when we were kids. Right now I'm in turkey sandwich mode.

My Thanksgiving was amazing, in spite of a few mishaps here and there. I think the Thanksgiving curse was transmitted to someone else.

I'm not feeling very bloggy at the moment. It may have something to do with the turkey induced tryptophan nut I just busted.

"This year we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I stuffed the turkey with Prozac." -Maxine

2009-11-24T09:46:00.012-05:00

[Note: Please spare me the Charlie Brown "meaning of Thanksgiving" bullshit. I know the history behind the holiday. I know what it means. I'm not aiming for political correctness or whatever.]

Today's b Question of the Day:

What is one Thanksgiving staple that you could not live without?

Once upon a time, I was a very traditional, family oriented girl.................

....and then things changed. Some people NEED a turkey, football, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the fight over the wishbone, sweet potato pie, or Uncle Jerome's rendition of Luther Vandross's Never Too Much (after having a little TOO MUCH of whatever he had in his flask) to make their Thanksgiving complete. I used to need those things, but once they were all taken away from me, I learned to accept their absence...if *this* is what you'd call acceptance.

Initially, I wanted to blog about my awesomely dysfunctional and cherished Thanksgiving experiences during my childhood, but rehashing those memories will only make me nostalgic and sad.

Then I was gonna blog about the Thanksgiving curse. Every year during Thanksgiving, something horrible happens that leaves me a little more damaged (ask me why I don't allow peach cobbler in my presence), bitter, and anti-Thanksgiving. I know I'm feeding the beast by calling it a Thanksgiving curse, and that going into the holidays with a such a negative attitude will only bring about negativity, but it's my way of preparing myself for the inevitable. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not depressed or trying to slit my wrists with a plastic knife. I've been blessed with a wicked sense of humor that allows me to joke about the horror that is Thanksgiving. As much as I'd like to type out the long list of events that took place to create the Thanksgiving curse, I'll save those stories for the therapist my children will have to see after wondering why all the kids in their class get to eat turkey while mommy drags them out of the country during Thanksgiving to eat pizza in a hotel room while she's at the bar searching for her childhood at the bottom of a colossal martini glass.

Don't judge me! I'll make sure my kids have SOMETHING Thanksgiving related...

Lifecall Moments: JHo

2009-11-22T22:56:00.010-05:00

(Thanks Sir Bloggington)

This gives me GREAT pleasure =)

Today someone posted on Twitter that the Black Widow was performing on the AMA's. I turned to it to see her performing in what only could be described as the shorts version of MOM PANTS (shout to Adam).

I'll bypass my criticism of her being (and looking like) a 40 year old mother of two singing a song about shoes (really, shoes though??) while sounding like me on karaoke night after three shots of Patron and four jubilee martinis. Let's watch her Lifecall moment!!

Facebook & Family

2009-11-22T21:15:00.008-05:00

Continuing with using b's Question of the Day as a writing prompt....

Complete the sentence - Having family on Facebook is....

...absolutely AMAZING! I don't live near my family members, so I don't see them often. I'm not much of a phone person, so I don't talk to my family often. I ran into my older cousin at the mall the other day and thanks to Facebook, our conversation was very simple:

Her: hey girl! who you up here with?
Me: [silently thinking: I'm 25 years old. I don't need chaperon] no one, I'm alone.
Her: oh ok...see ya later.
Me: ok bye.

Now if she wasn't my friend on Facebook and we didn't communicate through comments, status messages and photos, our conversation probably would've been something like:

Her: hey girl! who you up here with?
Me: no one, I'm alone. How are you? How's the baby?
Her: I'm good...just dealin' with my crazy ass baby daddy. The baby is gettin so big. lemme show you some pics...

[SHUFFLING THROUGH HER PURSE FOR A MINI (but not so mini) PHOTO ALBUM...PROCEEDED BY SHOWING ME 3 SETS OF 40+ PICTURES WITH THE BABY DRESSED IN THE SAME OUTFIT DOING DIFFERENT POSES]

Me: oh....wow. cute. She IS getting big. I haven't seen her since that day at the hospital. I've just been SO busy with work and school.
Her: I know girl, me too. You still working at XXXXX XXXXXX?
Me: yep, I'm still there.
Her: I hear that. How's your mother n' dem?
Me: They're good. Zay [my sister] is gettin so grown! She's boy crazy.
Her: Yea Jessica [her sister] too.

[SERIES OF BLANK STARES, FAKE SMILES, AND FALSE PROMISES TO KEEP IN TOUCH]

This is why I LOVE having my family on my Facebook friendslist. I don't really have much to hide so I usually approve anyone who sends me a request. I think Facebook puts everything into a nice little package that allows me to communicate in bulk. No need to send out Christmas cards, no feeling guilty about forgetting a birthday, and I'm always updated on what's going on in their lives. Also, I don't mind my family and friends mingling with one another. I made a choice to communicate with the people I communicate with and I am not ashamed of them, nor do I feel a need to hide them, but that's just me.

I don't think I'd ever have a moment like this...

On the OTHER hand, I'd NEVER have my boyfriend/lover/husband/ex (or any co-workers) as friends on Facebook, but that's a blog post for another day.

Do YOU like having your family members as Facebook friends????

Five Things: I want that I'll never have...

2009-11-18T19:25:00.015-05:00

I was conversing with one of my followers on Twitter about how he wishes he had a urinal in his apartment when I started thinking of all the things I wish I had that I could NEVER have:

1. A Pissistant.

This is a person I'd hire to use the bathroom for me. I HATE using the bathroom. I've always hated it...which explains why I wasn't fully potty trained until I was about 7 years old (don't judge me). My mom used to make me sit in the bathroom on the toilet until I learned not to piss on myself. Don't misunderstand me, I am NOT into golden showers or anything of that nature. I just used to hold it until I couldn't hold it anymore. Even now, I hold it until the very last minute, but I'm better at figuring out when that last minute is versus pissing on myself. I hate the process of taking my clothes off only to put them back on. That's like making up the bed to get back in it. I hate being in such a small space. I HATE BATHROOMS!

2. A Micro Pet.

There are micro dogs out there, but even those are too freakin big for me. I wish my cats could stay kittens forever. The latest craze is micro pigs. I'd LOVE a micro pig if they only stayed tiny and cute, but those things get up to 65 pounds! How the fuck is that MICRO? That's like calling a 10 year old child a micro adult. Besides, I think my pet pig would have issues with my daily consumption of bacon.

3. Zach Slater.

"Who doesn't love Zach Slater? He's hot, dangerous, romantic, protective. Basically, he's like your dream guy but with enough of an edge that he's not too goody-goody. And he does stubble and clean shaven well, which is not easy." - Jesse Murray

Zach Slater is a character on All My Children. He's damaged, iced cold, and puts up a wall to protect himself, but he also protects his family. He's gorgeous. He's brave. He's rich. I don't have faith in marriage, and I don't want kids, but if Zach Slater jumped out of my TV screen and said he'd marry me, I'd be out getting fitted for dresses before he could even get off his knees. My crush on him is so serious that I HATE his TV wife. Remember the scene from Low Down Dirty Shame where Peaches punched the guy from the soap opera? Yea, that would be me punching Zach Slater's cheating whore TV wife if I ever saw her in person.

I've included a video of Zach and I laughed, cried and swooned watching/searching for clips of him for 3 hours *sigh*

4. The Return of Six Degrees.

Six Degrees was a show on ABC about six people in NYC who were all somehow connected without knowing it. It's kinda hard to explain how trippy this show was, but I absolutely loved it. It came out in September of 2006, a couple of weeks after I moved back to Baltimore from NYC. I was all depressed because I wanted to be back in NYC. All I would do is lay in bed and cry for hours and hours every day...except on Wednesdays at 8pm when this show came on. Aside from looking at the ever-so-dreamy Jay Hernandez, I loved seeing the New York City scenery, people, yellow cabs, coffee shops, traffic, tourists, street vendors, high fashion, etc.
For an hour out of my miserable week, I felt comforted by this show. I was home again during a time when I couldn't afford to travel back and forth to NYC. ABC canceled Six Degrees during the writer's strike. It was pretty devastating.

5. Fania All-Stars in Africa Concert Ticket.

I'm a huge Fania All-Stars fan. I grew up listening to their music and to this day, seeing videos of their performances gives me goosebumps on top of goosebumps. My parents didn't even know each other in 1973, so I definitely wasn't alive when this concert took place. I chose the concert in Africa because the unlying rhythm in salsa originates in Africa, so that concert was kinda like bringing salsa home. To see other people of African descent, who don't speak Spanish, singing along to the lyrics with Lavoe, Celia Cruz, Cheo Feliciano, etc. is just amazing to me. I have the DVD and the energy is so powerful. I can only imagine what it would've been like to be there. Most of the musicians have, since, died, so I can only attend their concerts via youtube.

6. ***BONUS*** Itis-Blocker.

This list was supposed to only have five things on it, but I had to add number six after talking to Sir Bloggington about a cure for the itis. I said that I wish there was a way to stop the itis that hit me after eating a chicken bacon ranch sub with snicker doodle cookies for lunch. He said it could be crystallized (like salt) and put on food before eating it. PURE GENIUS! If anyone invents this, I want my 10% and a lifetime supply of it! Maybe I'll just move to a country where I can have a siesta after lunch.

What non-existent things do YOU wish for?

Dear Gary Wright, FUCK YO COUCH!

2009-11-18T09:26:00.009-05:00

(mostly because the Dream Weaver song is stuck in my head)

I'm having a pretty awful couple of months. It's to be expected, but yesterday was just one of those unbearable days that sent me on a detour from my office to the liquor store (when I should've been in class). By 9pm, I had finished a bottle of wine and was singing 70s/80s television theme songs via voicemail for my friends. By 11pm, I was passed out in bed. I had the strangest dream....

[insert dream sequence arm flail]

I was in a room arguing with my best friend (who happens to be a black man), and before I could even begin to defend my actions, he verbally made me feel [this small] and I was defeated. I wanted to say something. I knew what to say, but I began to choke on my words...LITERALLY throat-grasping-choking. Whenever I tried to speak, I couldn't breathe. Whenever I stopped trying to speak, I was fine. I gave up. I couldn't fight a battle against how he felt because those were HIS feelings. Who was I to say "I didn't make you feel this way" if his feelings were genuine and they belonged to HIM? Now all of this made sense to me and if I woke up at this point in the dream, I would've understood it...but I didn't wake up. Next, my best friend (black man) was a white woman. She kinda-sorta looked like Jennie Garth back in her 90210 days, but she had down turned, brown eyes and wore red lipstick.

She was naked, vulnerably sad, and in love with me. I was sad, in love with her and wanted to please her and make things right between us. So, I did. It was passionate, aggressive (but soft) love making, and we were very vocal about our feelings toward one another.

...and then I woke up.

I'm straight. Sure, women are beautiful, but that's not for me. I haven't been emotionally attached since March...and that was an attachment to my cat that I had to give up. My best friend is a gay, black man that I think of as a brother. We're not having any issues. We talk every day. I don't even know anyone who fits Jennie Garth's description. Before I googled pictures of her for this post, I hadn't seen her since April of 2008 when I read on a blog that she'd be joining the cast of the new 90210. I don't know what this dream means and it makes me angry that *THIS* is defining my day.

Twitter Tuesday: I Curse Excessively

2009-11-17T08:50:00.005-05:00

It's Twitter Tuesday on FishAndSpaghetti!! Check me out!

Memory: First Date

2009-11-16T21:00:00.004-05:00

(I really don't, but I thought this was funny)

This morning on my commute to work, I was doing my daily task of balancing my latte and iPod in one hand and phone and newspaper in the other hand while holding on for dear life as the bus sped down Charles street (fun times) when I came across b's Question of the Day: What do you remember most about your first date?

I smiled reading the responses as I thought about my first (and ONLY) date.

..........then I got sad, but that's not the point of this entry LOL

Here is my memory....

It was 2006 (to spare you the task of doing the math to figure out how old I was when I had my first date, I'll tell you -- I was 22 years old..pathetic, I know), and I was living in NYC. I had very light brown (ok blond) hair since I was about 13. I remembered that he hated it so I dyed my hair black. In the process, I burned my hair out to the point where it looked like a Brillo-pad.

There was no Queen Helene's hot oil treatment that could bring my hair back to life.

I spent about 9 hours trying to make my hair fluffy and lively again, but nothing was helping. I cried and considered canceling my date with him. I called my best friend in tears. She told me that she specialized in tri-racial hair and guaranteed she'd be able to fix it. I gave her the bitch-please-you-don't-know-anything-about-black-hair side-eye. At 3AM, she drove across town with her magic bag of tricks. NOTHING was working! I told her that I needed a straightening comb. There was NOTHING open at this time of night so she laid me down on the ironing board (Tracy Turnblad style) and LITERALLY flat ironed my hair.

It was a SUCCESS!!!

My date had never been to New York before so this was a treat. He was staying at the Waldorf Astoria which happened to be a 2 minute walk from my job. I had never been inside and he didn't know his way around either so we ended up on two different sides of the hotel looking for one another. The anticipation did NOT help my nervousness. I was on side A of the hotel while he was on side B...and then I'd go to side B, call him, and he'd be on side A. It was time consuming and frustrating. Finally, I stayed put and waited for him. He walked through the glass doors, looked me dead in the face and walked passed me. I wanted to DIE!
He called me and told me to walk upstairs just as I entered neck-twisting-Keisha mode. I was seriously pissed off and about to leave the hotel.

I walked upstairs and he was sitting down, What an asshole! He got up, walked up to me and gave me a hug. All I could think was DON'T HUG ME OR YOU'LL FEEL MY BACKFAT ROLLS! Then he made an attempt to give me this rehearsed kiss. He knew I was expecting a kiss like this...

...but he prefaced the kiss by saying "OKAY" which totally killed the mood. If you're gonna kiss a woman, KISS HER! Don't say "okay....is this the kinda kiss you want?"
We sat down and he just stared at me. I like eye contact, but his eyes were like a magnifying glass under the sun and I was the ant. He knew how much I hated being stared at and how nervous I was so he stared...and he stared...AND HE STARED!! Actually, he was staring between my face and my boobs because they were ALL out there. All I could do was giggle, and look around at ANYTHING that wasn't his eyes. We talked for a bit about nothingness and he requested a kiss. I kissed him and bit him. To my surprise, he liked it.

I actually typed out the majority of our date, but then I realized the question only asked for one memory. Here it is....

At some point during the date, we ended up at Juan Valdez Cafe. My nerves had taken over and I was tapping my right leg. It's something I do when I'm nervous (or upset). I didn't realize that I was doing it. He was telling me something and he stopped in mid-sentence to put his hand on my leg so I'd stop. The look on his face was so gentle and innocent. I can close my eyes and still see his face. Through all the drama we've experienced with one another over the years, that's the most sincere and precious memory I have of him.

ANDDDDDDDDDD I'm done being soft! I was just in a mushy mood and thought I'd share. I haven't stopped to reminisce about this date in over two years, so it was ~~nice~~ interesting to relive it.

Anyone care to share their first date memories?

2009-11-16T15:33:00.003-05:00

This weekend I watched The Proposal. I love Comedy-Romance movies...not to be confused with Romance-Comedies, where there's more romance than comedy. I mainly rented this movie for Betty White. I adore her! OK...and maybe a little bit for Ryan Reynolds...even though the color of his lips annoys the fucking hell out of me. They always look so pasty and they match his skin. Aren't your lips supposed to be a different color than your skin? Anyway, I rented this movie and it was HILARIOUS! I thought I'd share my favorite scene from the movie....

FAIL: Out-Nerding A Nerd

2009-11-16T12:03:00.034-05:00

Conclusion?

Dear Chan, FUCK YO COUCH!!

2009-11-12T15:54:00.006-05:00

Today I was venting to Sir Bloggington about my no-good-very-bad week when I thought "hmmm maybe I should be blogging this stuff". In preparing this entry, I came across one of my old blogs from years ago. I'll include that classic Frankie Nichelle entry to better help you understand why I'm so pissed off right now.

One of my annoyances today was that my co-workers decided to order Chinese food for lunch. I'm always down for Chinese food. We normally order from a place called China Wok.
It's the ONLY place we order from. Whenever these other Chinese restaurants have their delivery men bring fliers to our building, we make sure the menus are shredded before anyone even considers ordering from there.
Today I gave my money to my co-worker to place the order. About 20 minutes later, I was told that there was a gas line issue at our regular Chinese restaurant so they ordered from somewhere else. The history behind ordering ONLY from our regular spot goes back to the afternoon of September 10, 2007. Here is that blog entry....

Flies: The New Diet.

ok so this morning a dude came delivering menus for the new Chinese restaurant called Chan's. This gave me a craving for Chinese food, and we all decided to order from Chan's. WELL, I ordered general tso's chicken with fried rice. We were all sitting there eating our food when I looked down and saw a COOKED FLY IN MY FOOD!
My co-worker told me it was just a piece of burnt rice and I almost continued eating until another co-worker was in disbelief and wanted to inspect the "burnt rice".
When she moved it around, we saw the wings and legs...*GAG*

It was sooooo GROSS!!! I called them back and asked for my money.
Here's the conversation:
restaurant lady: herro, chan restrut?
me: umm hi, I just had food delivered to me and there was a fly in it. I need a refund.
lady: uhh..uhh..you ordah?
me: yes, I ordered food and there was a fly in it.
lady: fry?
me: yea a FLY...A BUG IN MY FOOD!
lady: what u ordah?
me: I ordered general t-s-o's chicken or however u say it. L-9 on the lunch special.
lady: ahh genro so chk-in. thas what u ordah
me: yes and there was a fly in it.
lady: a fry?
me: yes a fly...A BUG!!
lady: but thas u ordah.
me: yea I ordered the food, but I didn't order the fly in it.
lady: but thas how sauce come
me: I want a refund. there was a dead bug in my food so send the delivery guy back with my money.
lady: ok was u address?
me: 1700 XXXX XXXX Lane.
lady: ok I send him back latah
me: Okay, bye.

So yea he came back and wanted to see the fly. I was too pissed off to deal with him so my co-worker explained the situation. He had the nerve to say the fly was in my food because it was his first time delivering to us. UMMMM OKAY, is that the special introductory meal or something!?
He owed me $5.20. The idiot pulled out a $5 bill and then asked ME if i had 20 cents. DUMB ASS! Needless to say, we won't be ordering from Chan's anymore.

Does anyone want to guess where my co-worker ordered lunch for us from today?? yep CHAN'S!!! I asked her to call and cancel my order and she gave me this puzzled look like it was impossible to do....so now there is chicken and broccoli sitting in the trash can next to my desk.

A Day in the Life of Frankie Nichelle

2009-11-12T12:40:00.010-05:00

The other day I was checking my bank account and realized that my rent had not been taken out of my account, but there was a big fat $35 charge there. I called the bank and apparently my check had bounced. More than enough money was in my account, so I had no idea why it bounced. My bank had no idea why the check bounced either so they refunded the $35 fee. Refunding an invalid charge is all fine and dandy, but how am I supposed to explain this to my rental office?????????????? Long story short, I was told that I needed to pay my rent, an $18 court filing fee and 5% of my rent for being late......even though it wasn't my fault and I've never been late with my rent before. On top of that, they wouldn't accept a check so I needed to go into my bank, withdraw money, get a money order and then go BACK to the rental office. Did I mention that my rental office and banks are ONLY open during the hours I'm at work???????????

I got the bright idea to handle this (and my hair appointment) yesterday. I took half a day off from work and traveled to the bank in the fucking ice rain. As soon as I stepped into the building, the security guard reminded me that banks were closed because of Veteran's day. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!?!

On the way to my hair appointment, I stopped at FOUR different hair stores to find my preferred weave. EV-E-RY store I went to was sold out or didn't carry it. These FOUR stores were in addition to the two stores I checked on Tuesday!

I called my sis/hair stylist (who is EXTREMELY hard to book since she works 22 hours a day, 7 days a week) to ask her about another type of weave and she started venting to me about her problems ~~that I didn't really care about~~ and asked if I could come on another day. Meanwhile, I'm wearing my natural (EXTREMELY HARD TO MANAGE) hair. I'm not ashamed to admit I wear weave..especially since my hair is longer than anyone whose ever criticized my weave. I just REALLY hate my natural hair. It's long, thick, 3 shades of brown, black, blond and green...yes GREEN (don't ask)! This chick has me walking around looking like a troll doll!!! Fortunately, I can just brush it into a bun so nobody sees the odd colors, but this shit is NOT cute!

I went home after my unsuccessful weave search and got on AIM. The minute I signed in, I got this message:

Batman: something came up. so can we meet at an earlier time on Saturday?
Me: it's not a big deal. we can go out some other day =)

Now, I was virtually smiling and being polite, but in my mind, I was doing this....

I was thinking, DUDE WE PLANNED THIS DATE TWO [EXPLETIVE] WEEKS AGO AND YOU'RE FLAKING ON ME AFTER I TOLD YOU APPROXIMATELY 573 TIMES THAT I HATE WHEN PEOPLE FLAKE ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

As much as I'd like to throw him under the bus in this blog, he's a perfect gentleman and even offered to keep our date when I went into semi-tantrum mode. That only made it worse because you can't talk shit about/be mad at a person who when they're being nice.

I was feeling salty so I took a nap.

In the middle of my nap, I woke up thinking I was late for work. There's a skylight above my bed. When I go to sleep, it's dark. When I wake up for work, it's dark. If it's ever light and I'm in bed on a weekday, that means I'm late for work. I immediately jumped up thinking I was late for work and fell out of bed trying to scramble to get ready. I grabbed my towel and ran to the bathroom...stripped naked...turned on the shower water and then realized I was only napping. I looked at my phone. The time read 4:12pm. I felt like a fucking idiot. I was so tired that I went back to sleep...without even putting my clothes back on.

/end rant.

Five Things: Turn ONs

2009-11-08T18:13:00.013-05:00

People always assume they know my "type". These same people can never answer me when I ask them what they believe my "type" is. My mom swears up and down she knows what type of guys I go for. She always seems most impressed with the guys I choose over the guys my sisters choose. I guess she thinks I have higher standards than them. I've been attracted to tall, short, bad boys, choir boys, the 39 yr old, the 20 yr old, 300 pounds, 167 pounds with bricks in his pants pocket, white, black, Spanish, Middle Eastern, bald, dreads, braids, fathers, atheists, catholics, educated, high school dr... umm a colorful group of men, but I won't list them all for fear of sounding like a whore. I try not to limit myself too much. Can women REALLY afford to be choosey when the pickings are SO slim? It's almost impossible to find a respectful partner who is willing to treat you right these days. Most of the time, I'm like "well, at least he can read".
I'm kidding LOL
I usually *TRY* not to list things that turn me off. I think it's sometimes unfair to potential dates. That's just me though.

So a couple of weeks ago, I did one of those Living Social Pick Five thingys on Facebook. I'm so addicted to those freakin things! This one asked what my turn ONs about the opposite sex were. I'll list my five turn ons...but none of that physical/personality stuff.

1. Aviator Sunglasses

These sunglasses are CLASSIC!!! They never EVER go out of style like the rest. If Chuck Norris was a pair of shades, he'd be aviators.

A man in aviator sunglasses is masculine, cool, and just plain sexy! I even have a Tumblelog dedicated to my love for aviator sunglasses.

I dare ANYONE to tell me Erik Estrada wasn't sexy as hell in CHiPs with those aviators and I'll call you a fucking liar!

2. Chrome by Azzaro

I love men's cologne. Nothing screams I AM A MAN more than the intoxicating scent of men's cologne. It just does something to me.
One day I was walking around the Harbor with a friend. This guy passed us, and he smelled like....HEAVEN. We kinda stood there in shock, taking in his scent while trying to figure out what he was wearing. Finally, we got the bright idea to ask him, but of course, he had already walked away. Me and my friend ran from point A on this map to point B trying to catch up with the heaven scented man.

We finally caught up to him and out of breath we said "ehhhh skk yewssss us *EXHALE* what cologne are you wearing?!" He turned around (sporting aviator shades) and said, in a thick accent, "Chrome, Azzaro Chrome". We rushed to the nearest perfumery to get samples of the cologne. I slept with my sample that night and vowed that I'd rip my panties off for any man wearing Chrome.

3. Pea coats

I love a man in a pea coat. It just screams class. I don't think I've ever seen a man look bad in a pea coat. Again, this is classic and never really goes out of style. They come in different styles and colors. I don't have a preference *cough* grey, just as long as it fits properly i.e. don't be 6'1" wearing a smedium. I always knew I liked men in pea coats, but I didn't realize how much until I walked into Shoe City yesterday and got wet just looking at the mannequin wearing a peacoat. Yes, it's THAT serious.

4.Old Man Hats/Flat Caps

Be still, my beating heart *sigh*
Men in old man hats are just SMOOTH! It's almost like the hat has magical powers that instantly makes you exude smoothness. I never really referred to them as old man hats. I called them Uncle Jerry hats. My uncle Jerry ALWAYS wore these hats. I was shocked he wasn't buried in one. Some day I'm gonna have one bronzed and put on his grave. Some people call them kangol hats. Samuel L. Jackson wears these hats and we all know he's the epitome of smooth.

5. Tattoos

Nothing says no fear of commitment like a tattoo! no, I'm kidding. Tattoos are one of my favorite forms of self expression. I'm not saying Lil Wayne-esque tattoos on your forehead or THUG LIFE in old english letters across your stomach. Some tattoos are just in poor taste.

I'm not saying these things are REQUIRED, but they boost a man's chances of getting my attention.........

7 interesting facts.....

2009-11-05T19:00:00.006-05:00

OK I was tagged in a blog to list 7 interesting facts about myself. Oh gosh...you guys know how I HATE to talk about myself //**sarcasm**. I don't know how interesting these facts are, but I was trying to come up with some random things that a lot of people don't know about me. Here it goes.....

1. I have to eat my food in its entirety. I must always clean my plate and I hate to share food. If I do share my food, I must eat the last bite. If I don't, I feel unfulfilled like I haven't eaten.

2. I clean my nails excessively.

3. I have trouble saying the following words: statistic, pussy, Catholicism, schedule, navel, comfortable.

4. The first time I went to a Catholic church, I saw candles and started doing Buddhism chants because it was all I understood growing up.

5. I hate to use the bathroom. My kidneys are gonna be a problem when I'm older.

6. Orange peel is my kryponite.

7. My shoes are size 11.

Now, I'll tag some bloggers.....sike.

OH HAI!

2009-11-05T18:21:00.004-05:00

Been a long time since I've blogged over here. I've been busy over here and here and here. If you loved me, you'd frequent my other thought ~~whoring~~ broadcasting websites.

Anyway, I have been inspired by Sir Bloggington to update this blog that I've neglected, so expect updates real soon!

In the mean time, check me out elsewhere :)

Life Call Moments: Drake

2009-08-03T09:29:00.006-04:00

I love Life Call moments! I'm sorry. I just do!

Today's life call moment is brought to you by Drake.

He falls and busts that ass around the 32 second mark...and BONUS: He busts his ass again around the 45 second mark.

QUICK! SOMEONE CALL DR. EDWARD HOWARD DUDLEY!!!

Lil Wayne then entertains the fans (who are still singing and cheering...gotta love true fans) by stroking his hair like a Valley cheerleader and telling the fans that because ~~Drake doesn't have any health insurance~~ it's late, they wouldn't be going to any hospitals. He then asks if one of the fans would like to play nurse for Drake. The loudest fan raising her hand to be his nurse should probably go home and work on a relaxer for that head.

oh hello....

2009-07-31T11:25:00.003-04:00

In my last entry, I whined like a sleepy toddler with a shitty diaper over how Fish & Spaghetti didn't post my Baskin Robbins story and guess what? THEY DID! So read about it >>>HERE<<<

I WANNA BLOG DAMNIT!!

2009-07-21T08:55:00.003-04:00

So I finally have the urge to blog...actually, I was working on this 584 page blog entry about Michael Jackson's funeral but now my computers are broken!! yes, computerS!
How does one person break 2 computers in a matter of days!?! I hate writing something only to have it go down the shit tube (like my Baskin Robbins entry for FishandSpaghetti) simply because it isn't relevant anymore. By the time my computer is up and running again, it'll be old news. It already IS old news thanks to Chris Brown's half assed, rehearsed apologize to his walking forehead ex girlfriend for banging her up a little bit.

I guess if he can make himself relevant again by apologizing for something he did 6 months ago, maybe Michael Jackson's corpse will re-enact Thriller so I can continue my blog about his funeral in 6 months.

OK FINE! I like the damn song!

2009-07-04T02:56:00.020-04:00

I don't really listen to rap. Nothing seems to catch my ear, and I gave up on it a LONG time ago...some time around March 9, 1997. Most of the stuff that comes out these days is pure garbage and I'll be damned if I become a fan of said garbage simply because everyone else likes it. The band wagon has uncomfortable seats, and I refuse to ride on it.
Anyway, one day I was watching a UStream video by one of my homies and there was a catchy tune in the background that I just couldn't make out. I couldn't ask him about it because the Ustream was like 11 minutes long featuring a bunch of different songs. Since I don't own a radio (it's trash), I wouldn't hear it again.

Back in May, I started hearing a lot of hoopla about this Drake person. yep, you know where this is going. Whenever I asked who he was, I pretty much got the same reaction I get when I tell people I've never seen Forrest Gump. It's a combination of "WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!", the face a guy makes when a woman says she's late (even if she just means late for work), and the ultimate eye brow raise followed by the side eye to the 5th power.

Fast forward 2 months, Drake was in the back of my mind and I was still trying to get this damn tune out of my brain! Morning, noon, night...in my dreams and nightmares I was hearing "baby you mah errthang, you all I eva wanted...we ka' do it real big, bigga than you eva dun it"...only in my mind, I could only hear the beat and the lyrics came out as "dada da da dada, da da dada da, dada da da da da, da da dadadada" *sigh*

Little did I know, people were updating their statuses all over twitter and myspace with the lyrics.

@rellevent21: "Cause she hold me down, every time I hit her up. When I get right I promise that we gonna live it up..."

@DC106: I get out the car.....drake song on....I get in the car....drake song on.....wow..."buzz so big I could probably sell a blank disc"

@Flawless15: Is singing "baby you my everything, you all I ever wanted..." to who???I'm not sure, kinda want to sing it to somebody though! (random urge)

it was right under my fucking nose the entire time and I had NO idea!

So one day, another one of my followers tweeted the following:

@iamtommyoliver: Truthfully: I'm not mad at The Breast I Ever Had video lol

I was bored and curious so I decided to do a youtube search for this breast video.

The minute I played the video, I KNEW it was the song I'd been searching for! I screamed the lyrics! "DADA DA DA DADA, DA DA DADA DA, DADA DA DA DA DA, DA DA DADADADA" (hey don't judge me!)

so then I youtubed the real song and, sure enough, it was the song that I had been obsessing over. I felt so dirty and disgusted with myself for liking this high yellow Herman Munster that everyone was shitting their pants over! GOD NO! Not ME blending in with the *IN* crowd! What's next?

Risky Business sunglasses??

Those God awful sandal boots?? (I mean WHAT THE HELL!? that's a fucking blog entry by itself!)

become an iPhone slave...

or buy a juvenile ass Ed Hardy shirt?

or better yet, I can sport a Che Guevara t-shirt without even knowing who he is like everyone else!

then maybe I'll have a child and think I'm being unique by naming it Neveah! I mean, go hard or go home! If I'm gonna jump on the Drake band wagon, why not just have one big nasty cliché orgy!

So I broke down and ~~illegally downloaded the song~~ bought the song iTunes. I was so ashamed to even have this song on my iPod that I changed the name of it. You know how there's always someone glancing over your shoulder on the bus trying to see what you're listening to??

so yea, I like the song. I still don't see what all the hype is about as far as his looks. My little sister (and every other teenage chick) drools over him! He looks like Herman fucking Munster! Actually, I'd give it up to that rotting corpse before I'd give it up to Drake.

Drake released an official video, but it's nothing but tits bouncing up and down. I have my own tits...and not to toot my own horn, but my tits are more spectacular than anything I saw on that video. if you wanna see the garbage, google it. I took it upon myself to create a better video for Drake:

(unfortunately, Windows Movie Maker put me through some shit this weekend as some of you may have read on twitter so this is the short, unedited video that's not even close to as good as the first one I created, but whatever...it's still better than Drake's video lol)

Michael Jackson is DEAD

2009-06-30T19:52:00.003-04:00

...and so is everyone else. I haven't really felt anything for MJ since I had a death in my own circle recently. I don't care to talk about it, but I will say that Michael wasn't on my mind last weekend. I do love Michael Jackson's music. I grew up listening to it since my step dad was a mega fan. Like, dude was seriously pricing flights to the UK when he found out MJ would be there. It's really sad, but outside of my hysteria over the Universe smelling like death, it hasn't hit me yet...and it probably won't.

Seems like this world is coming to an end with all the deaths I've heard about. Sure, every day thousands of people die in this world, but I have NEVER seen people I know (one after the other) come up to me to announce a death the way they have been these past 2 weeks. There were S-E-V-E-N bereavement notices on my desk on June 19th. Even the celebrities are falling like flies. Okay some of them were ill or extremely old (hell, most people thought Ed Mcmahon died years ago), but Michael Jackson? MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON DEAD? Are you serious? Wasn't he supposed to outlive us all? There's a Peter Pan reference in my brain somewhere, but it won't come out. A world without Michael Jackson simply isn't real life. Our King of Pop! He was SO loved "in every country in the United States" according to Papa Joe.

Anyway, we've all heard the rumors, accusations, speculations, and the details from the child custody circus that's even deserving of the side eye from Maury.

so I'll just link you to Fish and Spaghetti's Special Michael Jackson Friday Face Off!!

Let me also leave you with this AMAZING Michael Jackson karaokesque youtube video....

Easily Amused.

2009-06-30T18:40:00.002-04:00

The Power of Christ Compels You, Young Man

2009-06-21T19:32:00.005-04:00

Does anyone play World of Warcraft? I like some video games...the simple, happy, lala land games before Sega. As soon as Sega came out, I stopped playing videos games because all that 3D stuff would just make me nauseous. I never really got hardcore into computer games either. I'll admit, I LOVE OMGPOP, and I've been known to stay up all night trying to get to the next level. So tell me, is World of Warcraft THIS serious???

oh please let this be a real video!!

blank stare

2009-06-14T16:13:00.003-04:00

NOTE: the last video that was posted got deleted so here's a different one.
1:30 mark

Fish & Spaghetti's Twitter Tuesday featuring ME!!

2009-06-02T21:09:00.009-04:00

I was featured on Fish & Spaghetti for today's Twitter Tuesday! Check out the story of how I ruined a marriage via Twitter by clicking here!

The EPITOME of Class & Sophisticatedlyness...

2009-06-02T10:56:00.004-04:00

ok what celebrity in hell has been seen this this hairy hot mess on their eyebrows? It's not enough that she has WEAVE in her brows, but the bitch had to make them BLONDE?

BLAH!!

2009-05-18T12:28:00.003-04:00

I know I said there'd be more mom moments, but I really got bored with talking about her and all moms. They were super awesome in the beginning of the month when all those Mother's Day Baskin Robbins cake commercials were coming on.

but now it's kinda like eh....big deal.

In other news, I seriously hate blogging. It seemed like a good idea before I got the blog, but then once I started it, I was like BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
I guess I just like knowing that it's running in the background.

That is all.

A Mother's Day let down

2009-05-10T21:26:00.006-04:00

Today is Mother's Day so I went to spend it with mom and of course she blessed us with, yet another, mom moment. When I got there, she casually pulled out this scratch off that she got in 7-Eleven. Being the conspiracy theorist that she is, she explained that she only bought the scratch off because the 7-Eleven was a new store and because since she doesn't live in the ghetto, she was sure she'd win. *blank stare*

So she pulls this scratch off out and shows me that she won $100 because she scratched off 7 words.

After counting the words, I told her that she actually scratched off 10 words, meaning she won $5000!! After me and my sister fought over who's the favorite child, why we deserve a cut of the money, ass kissing, and double checking the dictionary, I decided to read the rules. She did, indeed, follow the rules BUT she scratched off letters that were not hers.

The yellow arrows point to 2 random letters not included in the 2 rows of 9 letters. She thought those were her letters. Needless to say, we were all very disappointed.

*sigh* only my mom...

Mom is SUCH a follower!

2009-05-09T14:57:00.002-04:00

...and when I say follower, I'm not using social networking lingo.

Lately there have been a lot of news stories about people killing themselves and their families over ~~the current economic crisis in America~~ being broke and having a shit load of debt. Guess what? We ALL have financial hardships, but you don't see us decapitating our children!

Here's a recent phone conversation with mom:

me: hello?
mom: hi. Can you come over tomorrow at about 2pm?
me: sure, why?
mom: all these people who are in debt are killing their families, so I think I should do it too because I'm in debt.
me: *blank stare*

***dial tone***

The next day:

me: hello?
mom: hi, do you remember what day I'm supposed to be killing the family?
me: you said today at 2pm
mom: I DID!? shit! I have something to do today. well, it's noon now, so I should be done by 2pm.
me: oh, but you have to come to Baskin Robbins with me today
mom: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT IN ME KILLING THE FAMILY!
me: but there's a special today: 31 cents per scoop of ice cream
mom: oh really?
me: yea, but it's only from 5-10pm
mom: hey did you go and get 50 cent iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts yesterday?
me: no, I was rushing to my hair appointment after work
mom: oh, since Quill is my honorary son, he should also come today.
me: he has to get a hair cut
mom: AT 2PM!?
me: no, his hair cut is at 6pm
mom: well, he needs to be here....and what about your sister? did you tell her?
me: no, I assumed you did. she was off today, but she picked up an extra shift
mom: maybe we could just go to her job and do it
me: maybe.
mom: okay, well I'll see you later. make sure you shower and wear clean underwear.
me: okay, bye.

Only my mom would schedule a family slaying, include her honorary son, and remind me to wear clean underwear...y'know, for when I'm at the hospital. how sweet!

Mom Moments: The Twitterers

2009-05-08T12:27:00.003-04:00

I know that I said today's mom moment would be about her plot to kill the family, but I must blog about the events that took place yesterday.
Me and mom have this Thursday evening ritual of getting food from Chipotle. Yesterday was such a nice day so we decided to eat on her porch, southern style with sweet tea.
I loveeeee mom's sweet tea. It's the epitome of southern life. I decided to twitpic this moment:

We sat on the porch (or stoop, if you will) eating when my mom started asking about "that twitter stuff". I was trying to explain it to her, but it's kinda hard teaching old people new technology. Just last week she called me in hysterics because her computer had a virus:

Mom: I THINK MY COMPUTER HAS VIRUSES!!
Me: yea, I noticed that last night when I was there.
Mom: it keeps saying something about trojans. I guess the virus came from that website. I don't go to no condom websites! it must've been Zay! [my 16 year old sister]
Me: *blank stare*
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
*****dial tone*****

Anyway, as I was explaining twitter to her for about an hour, a direct message from one of my followers (that I don't know) came to my phone.

Follower: Is that the corner of ****** and ***** ?
Me: yes, are you watching me? lol
Follower: No, but I live on that corner and I just looked out of my window.

At this point, I was feeling like I was in the movie Scream. I told mom what was going on and she immediately freaked out and started asking questions. She dubbed my followeR (singular) "The Twitterers", so her questions ranged from "Are The Twitterers watching us right now!?" to "Do you think that cop car could be The Twitterers!?!"

Her suspects were:

-cop car with bright headlights
-pizza delivery woman on bike
-her upstairs neighbor
-the guy who parked his car on the corner, got out to smell the roses and then got back in his car
-the group of college students sitting on their porch
-her landlord
-my co-worker
-the couple walking their dog who came over to say hi to her dog

Any and everyone who drove/walked by was a suspect. It was so hilarious to see her freak out over this. She called everyone in her phone book to tell them about The Twitterers.

My mom is a paranoid schizophrenic/conspiracy theorist with little to no knowledge about social networking and an obsession with Law & Order-CSI-type shows, so you can image the types of thoughts she had running through her mind. The best part was that she verbalized each thought in a non-whisper (she's one of those people who thinks she's whispering when she's not) while I laughed hysterically. I suppose she forgot that we live in Smalltimore where EVERYONE knows EVERYONE!

For shits and giggles, I kept telling her that The Twitterers told me they were watching us and described what we were wearing and doing.

Tomorrow's mom moment will definitely be about her plot to kill the family.

"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it." — Chinese Proverbs

2009-05-07T14:49:00.012-04:00

Mother's Day is during this month, and although I'm a week late, I've decided that a way to make sure I update this blog daily is to post MOM stuff every day. Why? Because moms are cool. Even the mom who allowed her snotty 6 year old to comment on how big my granny panties were in the line at Walmart.

The mom wasn't amused when I told her daughter that some day she'd menstruate and be forced to wear granny panties on her heavy flow days...or maybe she'd suffer a break up and just want to be alone in her apartment wearing chocolate brown velour pants with bleach stains at the bottom, eating popcorn and watching Lifetime movies. There's really no point in wearing a sexy bikini cut or wedgie inducing thong at that point!

Most of the mom moments will probably come from my mother. She wears many hats and has many names. My favorite name for her is The Mega Bitch. She's a bitch and proud. She's also ditzy, funny, loud, obnoxious, sweet, lovable, evil, selfish, selfless, annoying, humble--so many personalities in that crazy head of hers. She's definitely my mom.

I'll start with one of my moms favorite quotes:

I went to her house last night for dinner. She was watching CSI and forgot about the turkey wings in the oven. Yes, that's an actual picture of the turkey wings from last night. I cannot tell you how many times she has forgotten about her food in the oven. She has been known to start cooking and then watch tv, go out shopping, shower, and yes, she has even left town while food was cooking. If her quote is true, I should look like Halle Berry right now.

And I don't.

Tomorrow's mom moment: Her plot to kill the family.

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 3

2009-05-01T21:58:00.002-04:00

Tattoos are COOL!

2009-05-01T14:56:00.007-04:00

I really love tattoos, like A LOT! I've had a fascination with them since forever, and as a kid, I would imagine all the tattoos I wanted to cover my body with. Of course I have to be more realistic now that I'm an adult. ~~My superiors at work~~ Old people (in general) already frown upon the 3 tattoos that I have. If it was up to me, my body would be covered in tattoos with everything from random animals to quotes in German to tatted tracings of squiggly lines drawn on my body by my friends. I don't understand why I'm obsessed with them. I can't justify it, so I won't try.

Lately, I've seen some pretty awesome tattoos. I was posting them on twitter, but then I remembered that I had a blog to share them with you all....yep, all 4 of you who read my blog. Some of these tattoos are random, sad, funny, creative, or whatever descriptive word you'd like to use. They all have one thing in common: they got my attention. If I've posted a pic of your tattoo, your art, or your cousin's baby mama's neighbor's ex husband's co-worker's son's classmate's step father's mistress's hair colorists' niece's tattoo, I'm sorry. That's what happens when you put photos of yourself on the internets. I will, however, give you props in my blog or tell the story about why you have a staple remover tattooed on your calf muscle. K? thanks!

My brother has some kick ass tattoos! He's just all around awesome and will pretty much get anything tatted on him. His latest, done by his boy JD (if you're ever in the Dallas area), is from one of everyone's favorite childhood books Where the Wild Things Are:

My absolute favorite tattoo that he has is a self portrait from when he was about 4 years old:

and, of course, the classic Bettie Page:

**UPDATE**

My tattoos are actually quite lame compared to some other tattoos I've seen...
(like this)

but here it goes...

First tattoo: this is on my ankle. I got this when I was 18. without getting too technical, it means positive energy. it hurt the most because I have no meat on my ankles.

#2: this one gets a lot of attention and any salsero/a who sees it doesn't really need an explanation. I love salsa and the queen of salsa is Celia Cruz. her catch phrase was "azucar" which means sugar in Spanish. one day she was ordering coffee and the waiter asked if she wanted sugar in her coffee. that's the stupidest question anyone could ever ask. the bizarrity of the question prompted Celia to tell her fans the story of the waiter who asked if she wanted sugar in her coffee right before her performances. After awhile, she dropped the story and just simply shouted "AZUCAR" before/during her performances. After she died, I got this tattoo. The music notes were supposed to be an arm band, but the tattoo artist didn't recommend it.

3rd tattoo: I got this one in Miami. I had no plans to get a tattoo while I was there. I met Marc Anthony for the first time, fainted, and upon waking up, I handed him a sharpie and told him to draw a heart on my arm. I just had the tattoo artist trace it. His signature heart is very odd looking so I love it.
(I got into a fight with my curling iron and got burned 2 weeks ago so disregard the scar)

I'm being STALKED!!

2009-04-30T13:25:00.008-04:00

I'm being STALKED!! As always, the stalker is gross. Hot guys never stalk anyone...and if they did, they'd lose their hot guy points and become gross...then we'd be back at square one; being stalked by a gross guy.

This all started one morning on the bus when I sat next to him because there were no other seats left. I don't think he understood the bus seating procedure. If there are no more seats, I'll sit where ever I have to! This is not some bar or lounge where I sat next to him because I thought he was attractive/interesting and I wanted to strike up a conversation.

I sat next to him and he was quiet for all of 2 seconds. The bus was hot so he opened his window. I'm not sure if he did it as an ice breaker or what, but he asked me if I had a problem with the window being open too much. As soon as he said that, his breath drop kicked me in the throat.

I couldn't understand why he'd even ask such a question seeing as how it was 90 degrees on the bus and he only cracked the window less than 2 inches. I just gave him a short "no", avoiding eye contact. Some people get the hint when I'm barely responsive and my face is void of even the slightest inkling of the desire to talk or be around other human beings. He didn't get the memo. He went on for about 3 minutes with this window crap which seems like a short time, but it's actually an eternity in the presence of breath that smells that bad. How bad did it smell?

well, say I had some expired eggs in the fridge and I decided to cook them and leave those cooked eggs on the stove for 3 weeks, at which point the dog jumped up on the stove and ate the eggs and upon realizing how bad they tasted, he barfed up the expired eggs that had been cooked, left out for 3 weeks, and possibly covered in mold and then took a massive, watery diarrhea-like poo on the barfed up eggs...then my stalker ate the eggs and washed them down with Amy Winehouse's bath water and then went 6 months without brushing his teeth.

During the entire bus ride, he bragged about being an RN (his Grey's Anatomy name would be McBreathSmellsLikeShit). He not only asked me out to dinner, but also spit on me! I hate when people spit while talking because I still don't know the correct response to that. Do you wipe the spit off in front of them? Do you make a 'say-it-don't-spray-it' joke? Do you act insulted? Do you just ignore it? Anyway, I think it's only human to say something if the person who spit on you by mistake has acid breath that melts your skin, but I didn't react to it. I was in shock!
It was the LONGEST bus ride ever and I just needed it to end.

Everyday since that bus ride, I've seen him on the bus. It's like he's watching me and getting on the bus at the same time. He always flags me down and says hi (excitedly) in an attempt to get me to sit next to him. Even when I was sitting on the opposite side of the bus, next to an open window, 3 seats behind him, I could STILL smell his fucking breath!!

BUT can he wipe his own ass???????? PT. 2

2009-04-26T01:20:00.004-04:00

Thank you for being a friend

2009-04-25T23:06:00.006-04:00

Bea Arthur/Dorothy Zbornak/Maude, the epitome of wit and sarcasm, passed away today at the age of 86 from....well, when you're 86 does it really matter?
When I found out this afternoon (via twitter because that's how information is shared these days), I was just heartbroken! This news took a rather large dump on my day. I really thought her ornery ass would outlive us all!

I broke the news to my parents separately, and here's how it went:

me: ma, I have something to tell you. you better sit down.
mom: I hope it's a boy!! well you know the first born child is always a girl. we'll do green and purple for the baby shower since you hate pink.
me: *blank stare*
mom: ...and you better not give my grand child a ghetto name. I'm gonna send Zay [my younger sister] to live with her father because she's ungrateful and I'll turn her room into a nursery. you can't keep the baby at your apartment because you only have one room. My grand child needs her own room.
me: *eye roll* BEA ARTHUR IS DEAD!!!
mom: what? Bea Art...OMG...AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE! SHE DIED??

-------------------

me: hello?
Al (step dad): yea?
me: Bea Arthur died.
Al: *dramatically* OH GODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAUDE'S DEAD! I HAVE TO TELL MY MOTHER! you know she still watches that shit every night!
me: oh really?
Al: yep...was it cancer? I know she smoked.
me: yea
Al: I bet she was a hard ass in real life just like on the show.
me: yea she...USE A FUCKING SIGNAL AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING STOP SIGN YOU WORTHLESS PIECE --
Al: well, you sound busy so I'll let you go. we'll talk later.
me: yea I was trying to cross the street. talk to you later. bye.

My family, ladies and gentlemen.

Anyway, rest in peace Maude!

fung what? FUNG WAH!

2009-04-24T18:08:00.012-04:00

My new obsession is Twitter. I'm gonna get my thoughts together and blog about this new phenomenon (that I swear didn't become a phenomenon until I got involved) in the near future. In the meantime, read about Twitter here.
Anyway, one of the people I'm following is hip hop's Noreaga....mostly because he's a hot mess and we all know how I feel hot messes. Also, he's OBSESSED with twitting (or tweeting...or twatting). This dude twitted (or tweeted...or twatted) through the birth of his son a couple of weeks ago (ehem on MY birthday), including his girlfriend's contractions, his confusion about the doctor fingering her, and how he smelled like weed in the waiting area...and that's just obnoxiously cool.

Today, in the midst of his cringe worthy grammar and misspelled twitting (or tweeting...or twatting) about waking up, smoking a blunt, drinking some tiger bone, jogging, and eating vegan foods, he mentioned a bus company up north called Fung Wah.

The answer:

Apparently, Nore's DJ had to catch the Fung Wah bus from NYC to Boston.
I'll admit, it's funny to say, but I have the sense of humor of an 8 year old boy.
Noreaga liked it so much that he decided to make it into slang.
So what's the definition of fung wah??

Brilliant!

Nore decided that we'd have Slang Fridays, although Slang Saturdays would've had a better ring to it, but really, who wants to be sitting at home twitting the new slang on a beautiful Saturday afternoon??

if you're still confused on how to use the new slang, here are some examples from Nore and his followers:

@noreaga I heard that was fung wah what happen wit the danity kane girls?

@DJJAZZYJOYCE when you find the remote and the batteries are dead and nobody want to go get new ones that fung wahhh

@I_NvesNme My boss is str8 Fung Wah for bouncin to Miami, while we stuck in the office! LoL

@noreaga When people don't answer they phone fungwahhhh!!!!

@noreaga When skinny people say they fat fung wah!!!!

and it can also be altered by saying/asking "what the fung wah!!!" (obviously, what the fuck)

got it????

I shall return on next Friday with Noreaga's slang of the day...but judging by his daily consumption of weed, I doubt he'll remember.

birthday wishes from hell

2009-04-06T14:41:00.010-04:00

ok so I was twittering last night and started publicly venting about my ex Shanna Moakler style. One of my followers (who was probably secretly giving me the side eye and wishing I'd stop filling his screen with non-sense about how I wished my ex would have acid poured on him or maybe even become sterile) showed some interest in the dysfunction that was my relationship. After expressing that it was impossible for me to sum it all up in the mere 140-character limit for status messages, he suggested that I write a blog about it. Unfortunately the attention span of my readers is about as long as the penis on a contagious midget.
Did anyone else think of the Verne Troyer sex tape when I mentioned the penis on a contagious midget? no? only me?? okay.

Anyway, after receiving another slap-in-the-face birthday present from him this morning, I couldn't resist blogging about it.

This year he sent me a birthday card that referenced voting for Hillary Clinton.

**************BLANK STARE****************

One could only assume the card was from early 2008 (or possibly late 07) since Obama won the primaries in February of 08. It was also bent with food stains on the back. This is so freaky. I'm having a hardcore déjà vu right now, like he's done this before. Anyway, before I even opened the card, I knew what was in there: a Starbucks gift card.
Normally I'd be happy to receive a gift card for Starbucks (even though EVERYONE knows that I prefer Dunkin Donuts coffee to Starbucks because Starbucks has bitter and ridiculously priced products). I had to go into ungrateful bitch mode because this gift card was given to him by his mother like 2 years ago, and he's been trying to get rid of it. LAME!

Here's the icing on the cake. He wrote this in the card: This way, next time we sit in Starbucks, we won't be freeloaders.
Now while you're sitting there thinking "yea, and...?", I should note that him and I have NEVER been to Starbucks together.

even Al Bundy is shaking his head at this foolishness. I couldn't find the clip, but I'm talking about the episode where Kelly and Bud give Al his birthday gift and it's the exact same shirt and tie that he's wearing.

Welfare Deer Trying To Get Liquor For A Buck

2009-03-12T15:33:00.003-04:00

Mickey Rourke Schween

2009-02-25T11:38:00.007-05:00

Alright, I waited for F-to-the-Nichelle to point this out and she has not done so yet. The people can no longer be withheld from this pertinent information.

Did anybody notice Mickey Rourke's outfit for the Academy Awards?

Is that a wrinkle in his pants, or is he just happy to see me?

Maybe he was looking at one of the ladies on the runway?

I normally wear underwear to prevent that from happening. But thats me.

Frankie Nichelle edit for your viewing pleasure...

FREE PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-24T07:58:00.008-05:00

....more than, almost, anything in the world!! I can eat pancakes for breakfast lunch and dinner. I've been getting a shit load of phone calls, messages and emails about free pancakes at IHOP. HOW EXCITINGGGGG!!!!

...cause sometimes you just need your pancake fix!

Free Pancakes at IHOP!

Tuesday, February 24th between 7 a.m. and 10 p.m., every IHOP in the country will serve a free short stack of buttermilk pancakes.

In turn, they ask that you make a donation - any size donation - to IHOP’s national charity partner, Children’s Miracle Network, which helps improve the lives of children at 170 hospitals nationwide. One hundred percent of the funds raised locally will benefit the Children’s Miracle Network hospital in your area.

The retail value of a short stack is about $4.79.

About National Pancake Day

Known also as Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras, National Pancake Day dates back several centuries to when the English prepped for fasting during Lent. Strict rules prohibited the eating of all dairy products during Lent, so pancakes were made to use up the supply of eggs, milk, butter and other dairy products…hence the name Pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday.

Since beginning its National Pancake Day celebration in 2006, IHOP has raised nearly two million dollars to support charities in the communities in which it operates.
With your help, we hope to raise $1,000,000 for Children’s Miracle Network in 2009!

Go get your free pancakes and make a nice big donation! do it for the CHILDREN!!

Oscar Meijer Weiner Lovers

2009-02-23T10:49:00.011-05:00

Since nothing else was on I just left the TV on the Oscars last night. I learned a couple things.
Frankie Nichelle's comments in green.
Antón's additional comments in blue.

(Straights do NOT have biceps like that.)

1. Wolverine and Sean Penn are light in the loafers. Its a little unexpected because they aren't your typical twinks like Adrien Brody or Jackie Gyllenhaal (I heard he's a "bottom" didn't see the movie yet). For me, its like Russell Crowe coming out of the closet. If that happens I know our culture has come full circle-reliving the Roman Queer-Is-In Era. My dad always said everybody in Hollywood is bi. I shut off my Bi-dar last night because it almost blew the speakers. It was just one solid tone like when someone dies in the hospital. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep (Anthony Hopkins on stage) *silence* (he leaves) beep beep (Al Pacino on stage) beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. The beeps drove my bird nuts. (and yes I realize Hannibal was bi, but Anthony Hopkins doesn't take his work home!)

I don't know about those other twinks, but Adrien Brody can butt fuck (or be butt fucked by) me ANY TIME!! raw...no lube...WHATEVER!
Russell Crowe can get it as long as he's being the dominant one and isn't wearing that God forsaken pony tail! Al Pacino is starting to look mad old and sickly. who am I kidding? he could get it! He has to do the Cuban accent OR pretend to be satan though.
You fantasize about Adrien Brody's nose hitting your G-spot? Cuz we all know its possible with that long ass nose.

2. Queen Latifah sings better than That Woman. One of the things I do to judge somebodys singing talent is listen how they transistion from note to note. I really really enjoyed Latifah's performance. She puts emotion into her voice. Kudos to her.
Latifah's singing was lovely. I really teared up at the end when they showed Paul Newman.
Homeboy had his own popcorn label! But he became my hero in Cool Hand Luke ;)

3. When That Woman and Butch Wolverine were doing their Musical Tribute to ADD, I noticed that That Woman tries too damn hard! One thing I love about her is her child-bearing hips. YUM! That Woman has some legs on her omg... "esta por matar". But anywho. Yah, that whole performance was horrible! And I love Broadway. They jumped way too fast from one song to another and the vocals were way too rushed. And while I do love interracial porn, I do NOT love interracial Grease. No! Don't do that to Grease! And somebody needs to resend Hugh the memo, you are NOT Michael Crawford!
I really wanted a drunken Etta James to crash the Oscars and beat THAT WOMANs ass for trying to slip At Last into her skanky performance.

4. I realized that Hollywood is so full of themselves. No where else is it socially acceptable to be so proud about being recognized for your own work. I mean lets be honest. The only person that won an award last night for the right reasons was Jerry Lewis. I mean, how can these people be so into themselves?! Jerry got an award for being himself and here are all these clowns crying like they received the highest honor in the world for just acting? Grow the fuck up. Thats why I like pimps like Marlon Brando (another Bi) who are too cool for Oscars. Lol... He was a pimp.
I HATE when Kate Winslet's cry baby ass wins ANYTHING! She always acts like it's the first award she's ever won...EVER after working for 60 yrs in this business. give me a fucking break Katie! GIVE ME A BREAK!!
Right, right, but you know her hair was bad ass. It had this Sharon Stone thing going on.

5. Its official, Diane Lane and her husband are hotter than Bradgelina. I'm just saying, the Jolie-Pitts moved to number 2 in my list of Couples I'd Have a Threesome With. And I don't want to read any comments about Jlo-Marc. They are not even on the list-Thank You very much! Although, I will say Jlo was on the list when she was with Ben Affleck and that one time when I imagined her dating Ricky Martin-they would have had some hot ass twins! YOU KNOW IT TOO!
I love Diane Lane. her performance in Unfaithful was great. that's what made me love her. It also kinda made cheating okay in my book ;)
Yes! That performance gave me a fascination with cougars. It started with her.

6. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a clone of Heath Ledger's sister.
I agree...only her devil horns are missing.

7. The gowns and suits were BORING across the board! I could find more fashionable apparel at Farm and Fleet or Meijers-true story. I could have showed up with something from Target's clearance rack and I would have been the hottest man on the Red Carpet.
and what was with all those nude colored dresses? gag! I liked Sarah Jessica Parker's dress. don't even get me started on Alicia Keys! she looked like Barbie's older tanned tranny sister!!
Alicia Keys tries to damn hard too! She needs a professional make artist. I think she ODed on makeup. At least she didn't bedazzle herself with a silly ass jewel on her foreheard.

Was it just me or was Heath totally ignored from the In Memoriam Tribute to the Most Important People of All Time (note the sarcasm)? Maybe the timing of his death was not in the window of opportunity for recognition? That sounds so silly. Then again, so was the whole damn event.
I just read that Heath was included in the 2008 thingy. Brad Renfro wasn't included.

complaining and commuting...

2009-02-19T06:42:00.002-05:00

6:42AM - I really have a taste for teriyaki chicken. This is a good sign because lately, I haven't had a craving for anything other than this:

and that's only because I've seen it posted on like 8 blogs in the past week. I can't think of eating anything but that even though it's disgusting and borderline deadly. I even went to Dunkin Donuts last night in an attempt to make this grossness on my own, but they were closed.

so yes, I have a craving for teriyaki chicken and if I can get out of my house by 7:30AM, I'll be able to get some before work. God knows there's nothing decent to eat on campus. I just need to wash and dry my hair, shower, get dressed, clean the litter boxes and feed the cats so I can leave by 7:30.

7:54AM - No teriyaki chicken for me...seeing as how I'm JUST leaving out!

7:56AM - OH GREAT, a red light! How delightful as 3 buses roll by. I'm pretty sure at least 2 of those buses was the one I needed.

7:57AM - I've walked passed this paper man 70 mornings since I've moved in my apartment. If I didn't want a newspaper the first 70 times WHY, pray tell, would I want a newspaper on the 71st time?? QUIT ASKING ME!!

7:58AM - I need some fucking coffee and I'm taking the first bus that comes and going to...here it comes... 11 - Towson. I'm getting on this shit and going right to the Starbucks in Charles Village.

7:59AM - ewww this fucking bus is crowded. I'll go to the one in Mount Vernon since it's closer and it's right on the bus stop. If I was in NYC, I wouldn't have these issues getting coffee.

8:03AM - Why is this woman behind me so loud? Did she just say "I can't believe it's Thursday already" ? SERIOUSLY????????? I feel like Tuesday lasted 3 days!

8:04AM - This guy has a Dunkin Donuts cup. see, that's what the fuck I wanted. OOOHHH this chick is NOT wearing taxi cab yellow pants.

WOW...it's really too early in the morning to be looking at these pants. She needs to burn them...ASAP!

8:11AM - I'm getting off to get Starbucks before I die.

8:11AM - I kinda don't want coffee anymore. well, since I'm here, I may as well get coffee.

8:12AM - Am I ordering food? FOOD? Why did he ask me that? they don't even have real food here and I am NOT about to pay $1.35 for a donut. get the fuck outta here.

8:13AM - Did she just say my total for a frapp was $4? this is some boooooolshit. For such a pretty girl, she sounds like a man. I wonder if she used to be a dude. They're always the pretty ones.

8:15AM - What the fuck is taking so long?? She better hope I don't miss--and there goes my bus. Of course my order is ready after my bus has pulled off. some BOOOOOOLSHIT!!

8:16 AM - My boss is gonna kill me!! I guess I'll be 15 min late which is better than 45 minutes like the rest of this week.

8:17AM - hmmm Embroidered Royal Trophies...that's an odd place for that store. I wonder if I could go in there an order an Edgecombe Elementary School - Most Improved Student trophy to get over the trauma of not getting this trophy as a kid. It was supposed to be MINE!! They described me right before announcing the winner and as I stood up to accept it, they called Jacora Knight...my arch nemesis. It has haunted me for 14 years!! She used to co--here comes the bus.

8:21AM - I hope it's not crowded. I guess beggars can't--FUCKING ASSHOLE DRIVER ALMOST HIT ME!! WHAT THE FUCK! I think he's reading a China Wok menu. bastard.

8:24AM - It annoys the hell out of me when the person sitting near the window has to get off the bus...which means I have to move my fat ass while the bus is in motion...and even though we are directly in front of the back door, this cunt ass bitch has decided to get off at the front door...meaning we have to pivot around one another.

8:27AM - Why are all these bachata songs coming up in the shuffle on my iPod? I don't even like bachata. hermanita el no te quiere quiere..tiene como veinte mujeres
y tu lo sabessssss...yea, Romeo could get it. That video was so stupid. If I was the girl in the video, I would've left that ugly, abusive ass chump and boned Romeo on the table of that restaurant. yep.

8:30AM - I really wish this chick didn't sit next to me. She's really pretty, but her breath smells like she just got done sucking on 3 sweaty, uncircumcised dicks.

8:32AM - MAN LOOK AT ALL THOSE EMPTY SEATS! Why is she still sitting next to me!??!

8:33AM - ok the way she slid her arm across my neck to ring the bell SCREAMS lesbian tendencies. maybe she likes big boobs.

8:34AM - The driver rode passed her stop. She just sighed real hard and that breath almost singed my eyebrows!!

8:37AM - I just realized these pants are high waters. I mean, I knew when I put them on but I didn't realize how high. FUCK! I have a hole in my pants too. at least my fuchsia panties match my fuchsia head band and shirt. fuck it.

8:40AM - Finally at my stop.

8:41AM - Why is it taking 1 minute...1/60th of a goddamn hour to pull this dumb ass bus on the side of the street and let us off?!

lemme get my ass in this office before my boss notices that I'm late for the 3rd time this week!!

but first, I need to post this video of this quadruple threat. Don't ask me what the quads are because this kid does everything...and he does it WELL! Anyway, he performed it at an open mic I attended on Sunday. He's comparing the bus to a slave ship and fuck if I can't agree!! There's a bit of talking in the beginning, but it starts at 3:13.

such a turn on....

2009-02-18T11:37:00.008-05:00

I was browsing some blogs and came across this picture. There's something so yummy about scruffy, dick grabbing Brits. Oh who am I kidding? We all know the real reason I'm aroused: TUBE SOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if my ex wore these instead of those God forsaken ankle socks, I would've ~~swallowed~~ been less of a bitch. He used to put on these stupid white ankle socks that barely covered his feet right after molesting his entire body with a jar of Vaseline. The smell of hot petroleum jelly didn't help the situation either.

Another thing that turned me on today was my bank account. I should have taken a screen shot of it at 2AM when my full paycheck was deposited, clearly by mistake, but I was too excited. By 6AM, it was all gone. WHOMP WHOMP!! I won't take a screen shot of it now because it's VERY pathetic...especially after my deductions make it look like I get paid like 7 dollars (per hr) LESS than I actually do. I'll just say that at 2AM my checking account was looking realllll fuckable.

FUCKABLE: my new co-worker. His sex appeal has a lot to do with the lack of men working in my department. There's William, the barely legal (19), baby faced accounting major. There's "Sam" (whose name has been changed because it was wayyy too uncommon), the cross between Akon and Omar Epps. He has 10 years on me and is somewhat of an office father figure. If it wasn't for that and my strange respect for his wife.......................
Anyway, there's a new guy here now. We'll call him Isaac to protect his identity. After talking with him a few times, my gaydar starting humming the tune to Dancing Queen.

He's cute. He reminds me of Frankie Hubbard on All My Children. Maybe I saw him and immediately gave him Frankie's personality...ultimately making him fuckable. I don't know what it is, but that dancing queen can feel the beat from my tambourine anytime he wants.

I let this other dude feel the beat from my tambourine this weekend....and beat it, we did. I woke up with a nearly detached nipple. Being the texthibitionist that I am, I was gonna write about the experience, but the Malibu, Belvedere, Peach Schnapps infused orange juice I drank the night of the incident is keeping me from remembering exactly what happened. I questioned Quincy (the culprit whose name has been changed because he looks more like a Quincy than whatever the hell his name is...and I'm pretty sure I screamed that out a few times), but he didn't remember on account of whatever he had in that SoBe bottle.

It sure as shit wasn't the Black & Blue Berry Brew juice on the label because Black & Blue Berry Brew juice does NOT turn your eyes dark pink and force you to go from a shy, soft spoken guy to an S&M pro. Well, I wouldn't exactly call him a PRO because a pro wouldn't leave you scarred and disfigured the next day.
Anyway, this is about what has me aroused today. I'm not turned on by the need to probably have my nipple sewn back on. It's all about being able to explain to random strangers why I'm in pain and whip out my tit for them. That's always fun.

Drama Queen of Hong Kong

2009-02-16T09:46:00.007-05:00

And I thought Latinas were dramatic...

Speaking of Drama
I almost died this weekend. Yep. A woman driver completely ignored her red light and decided to keep going (at full speed) as I was going through my green light. At the last moment I noticed she was not slowing down at all, so I had to punch it. She just missed me. If I would have slowed down she would have T-boned me (in which case, I would be typing this from the hospital bed or via Miss Cleo through Preci.)

"Watcha want to ask me Darling?"

At first I was afraid. I was petrified! Kept think I could never live without you by my side. Needless to say, I Will Survive.

The woman driver decided to stop after she completely passed the intersection. At that point you might as well just keep going.

Speaking of Women Drivers
I went to a Valentines Dance with my mother. Didn't see any hoes there. There was more dudes there than women. I was the best dressed (as usual). No pictures. Sorry toots. But this was like the first time ever I didn't get all depressed about being single. I actually was really happy. Still am.

Speaking of Pimps & Hoes
I've decided I'm going to learn the Pimp Walk Slide!

Its going to take a while but I anticipate uploading a video of what I've learned. But don't hold your breath because I haven't gotten down in a while. My joints get rusty. I use to break when I was like 7. Then there was this incident...

We'll see.

speaking of the shit I've been reading online today....

2009-02-13T12:13:00.008-05:00

My co-worker came in and told me that it was Friday 13th. I thought to myself hmmm this would've been a GREAT day to release the new Jason movie. well slap me with a hard dick...IT IS coming out today! DUHHHHHH!!!!

Speaking of Friday 13th, check out this review for the movie at FishAndSpaghetti. I kinda wanna see it, but at the same time I REALLY want a prequel to this movie. I LOVE prequels even though they hardly exist. I want a full movie about Camp Crystal Lake, Maureen Prescott's whoring ways, and how Samara Morgan came to be...not just clips throughout the first movie and the 17 sequels to follow. If you're tilting your head sideways wondering who these people are, you're no fan of horror movies.

Speaking of tilting your head sideways: THIS IS SOME FUCKED UP SHIT!!!!!!!!

Speaking of fucked up shit, imagine your boss stumbling upon pictures of you dressed as a fairy princess at a party you attended on the day you called out claiming to be taking care of a sick relative. Read this and more embarrassing online mishaps here.

Speaking of the internets, I have become addicted to Questlove's addiction to twittering, but he hasn't said anything in 11 hours. Should we send the dogs out???

Speaking of addiction, this dumb bitch is crazy!! She's addicted to children AND Angelina Jolie. I'm sure there are plenty of men and bi-this-week women who are obsessed with Angelina Jolie, but they are not trying to kick out 37 babies and have their bodies stretched out like THIS!!!

Cagao on the Red Carpet

2009-02-12T13:57:00.012-05:00

A picture is worth a thousand words. And an improperly sported Roberto Cavalli is worth more than Dulcolax Stool Softeners; so why does Miley's pose scream constipation?

Mira mamita, stop trying to be miss thang. We've all seen this before, first you think you is a runway model then you's showing your cooch off all over TMZ. Her toe is curled like something got stuck somewhere up in one of those crevices.

You is not grown folks. Stick to your Hanna Barbera or Hanna Nebraska business. (I dont know what her Sasha Fierce is called.)

Also out and about on the night scene, trying to act like they stylin... Rihanna.

Sporting her favorite colors... black and blue. I hear Chris loves her in those colors too! I guess its politically incorrect to make fun of the victim. Yah... oh well.

Another ho, with more money than she got style, Angelina Jolie.

The upper half of the dress is ok. The bottom half looks incomplete or short. Those colors are too boring! What was Versace thinking?! Leave the primary colors to Tommy Hilfiger. I expect better from Versace (I'm sporting a Versace knit today). I'm sure the black tights underneath the dress was not recommended. There is no way. Maybe she is gonna go to the gym after the red carpet? I think I speak for all men when I say flesh tone lips are nasty. Whether or not you add color to them is your personal preference, but don't take away the natural color! Maybe that is her natural lip color... ew. Brad Pitt just lost cool points for associating with that.

complaining and commuting...

2009-02-11T08:27:00.008-05:00

I really wish the bus that I'm taking to work could flip over on its side (without hurting anyone) so that I'd have a decent excuse for being late for work AGAIN today. I've literally been standing out here for over 40 fucking minutes waiting for a bus.

I can't even call my boss and tell her that's the reason why I'm late because I wasted that excuse yesterday. WASTED because she didn't get in until an hour after me so she wouldn't have even known I was late if I didn't leave that voicemail. Meanwhile, a vein in my head is about to pop because I need my coffee, I've watched 7 other buses that I DON'T NEED ride by, and also because I'm bothered by the overuse of the word "literally" . There was no reason for me to type it in the second sentence, but I can't erase it or my entire blog entry/text will be deleted.

Update - 8:32 AM
I am aggravated and on the verge of giving this inconsiderate, cigarette smoking bastard standing next to me the Chris Brown Special!

Update - 8:39 AM
I'm calling the fucking MTA. There has to be something wrong. There's NO way I should be standing on a fucking bus stop for this long during the morning in the middle of the week.

Update - 8:42 AM
Okay there's a water main break around the corner. I'm not sure what that means...something dealing with pipes and water. It always sounds kinda important and troublesome. It's not a good enough excuse for my boss to be concerned about my well being or give me the next 3 days off, but it'll work.

Update - 8:43 AM
The bus is FINALLY here. damn, it's only going to Taylor Avenue (not the complete bus route) and a shit load of people going further than that will be left behind and PISSED. Nevermind, it's crowded as hell.

Update - 8:44 AM
got a seat...well, half a seat because his entire fat ass and my entire fat ass can't co-exist on these 2 small seats.

Update - 8:45 AM
just great. There's a freakin child on here singing some homemade song. SHUT THE FUCK UP!! See, this is my problem with children. I'm all for free self expression, but I don't wanna hear this little girl's offbeat, random freestyle when I have to be to work in negative 15 minutes and I'm sitting on the crowded bus with my ass halfway off the seat and some OTHER kid kicking the back of my chair...and in case you forgot, I HAVEN'T HAD MY CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always say I don't like children, but it's really the parents who annoy me. SHUT YOUR KID UP!!
(I know I'm getting the side eye from the parents who read my blog)

Update - 8:48 AM
Is this dude seriously getting on this crowded ass bus with a big ass cardboard box!? SERIOUSLY????????????????

Update - 8:57 AM
it smells like cigarettes, cat piss, bergamot hair grease, hot onions, feet, Desitin ointment, and apple Now & Laters on this bus.

Update - 9:04 AM
I know this bus is crowded, but I'm really getting tired of this dude hitting me with his big ass ~~man bag~~ purse. Time to zone out to some Barretto before I have to smack a bitch!!

Update - 9:09 AM
add pine tree to the list of random smells.

Update - 9:27 AM
I'm here!!

oh fucking joy.

I just came.

2009-02-11T05:40:00.001-05:00

A few years ago my boyfriend-type-person (now ex) sat me down and told me that I had an obsession with food. Before the words could even leave his lips, I was cursing him out, accusing him of being an insensitive, rude asshole! Was he calling me FAT?! Unbeknownst to me, I HAD AN OBSESSION WITH FOOD.

It was never about eating the food...well, sometimes it was because I'm not exactly a size 2, but it was about the food appealing to each and every one of my senses. I love the way it feels on my fingers. The smell of it makes me weak in my knees and moist in other areas. The taste of so many incredibly flavorful dishes on the inside of my mouth...my tongue, my gums, my teeth. The sound it makes when you bite into it...that crunch provided by apples, fried chicken, potato chips...oh my! Some folks are bothered by people who smack their food, but my insides get all excited to hear it. The most amazing part of it all is the way the food looks...MY GOD! I can sit for hours and hours googling pictures of food and never get tired of looking at it: wedding/birthday cakes, recipes, restaurant menus....it's like porn to me!! Whenever I go to a restaurant, I never need a menu because I have my meal picked out down the to the dessert and drinks.

It's a really sick obsession, but I've accepted it. I even changed my major to English so I could become a professional food critic. That was before I realized that I suck as an English major (don't ask me about past participles) and I suck at critiquing food (I usually have an orgasm and don't wanna be bothered by writing before I can even finish a meal). Anyway, I gave you the short version of my food obsession to mention this AMAZING website I discovered while reading the entries for a caption contest on Dlisted a few days ago: This is Why You're Fat

After looking through the pictures, I smacked myself for not having a camera handy to capture my reaction to each one. It would've been a kick ass reaction video. I watched it at work and needed to go wipe and smoke a cigarette when I was done. It was more exciting, arousing, and pleasurable than any sexual experience I've ever had. sorry guys.

wait a minute...does that revelation make me a loser???

Anyway, most of the stuff on this website is a heart attack deep fried in grease, sprinkled with powdered sugar, smothered in chocolate sauce and served on a platter made of broken glass for you to eat after shooting up 1329mg of heroin while sitting in the middle of the highway during rush hour on a Friday evening. I mostly get off to the pictures, but I'd try anything once.